Down by the frozen banks of Lake Whittemore

The Single Greatest Find in The History of Everything Part II: More cheesy explosions than a Michael Bay movie

2010-01-22T20:05:00.003-05:00

Very long time Ladies and Hosers. A lot has gone down that I could've posted about in the last few months to say the least, but with such little time, I'll give a quick recap of the last few months:
-UNH has issues with teams in red (communist plot?)
-Good Guys in Blue strong in Hockey East
-Rex Ryan is really fat
-The Winter Classic: Best $300.00 I have ever spent in my life
-Hose-Head and I got to see Charlie Jacobs and Tom Werner throw down at Fenway
-Mainers still suck
-Turns out NU is absolutely nothing without Thiessen
-Um-Ass still sucks too

But now we turn our attention to something much more important to the masses. There comes a moment in recorded history that grabs the attention of humanity by the testicles. Something so shocking, mind-blowing, and thought provoking that it could even cause the most inbred and corrupt Mainer to actually date someone outside of his own family that is actually a female human being.

And then that something creates a sequel....And nothing is ever the same again.

Ladies and Hosers, Madames et Monseiurs, Mainers and Douchebags, I give you the 2009-2010 Alaska Fairbanks Nanooks intro video!

Another one of those rare moments where the sequel outduels the original! But let us analyze the messages this masterwork of absurdity.

-Are these videos made during the Winter Solstice in Alaska? 24 hours of Sunlight while good for deflecting Vampires, must do a number on the mind.
-The one Giant Space Polar Bear laying waste to Anchorage, the Hubble Telescope, and the Moon is no longer enough...It appears their target is now a random Oil Tanker, Michigan St, Ohio St, Miami of Not Florida, and then the world itself while flying fighter jets and bombing volcanoes...THESE CREATURES HAVE NO LIMITS TO THE TERROR THEY CAN INFLICT!!!
-Kenny Loggins continues to provide the soundtrack for these videos...Alaskans must really like that whole Val Kilmer/Tom Cruise volleyball scene in "Top Gun".
-Take note, apparently the best real estate for rinks in the future are on distant Asteroids
-Hockey programs could save millions if they could learn how to magically make a Synergy like the Giant Space Polar Bears.

That's all for now, until the next time something completely absurd catches my attention,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

The Maine-Doza Line

2009-10-25T01:45:00.003-04:00

Quote of the Week:
tCBG: The bear is playing grab ass with her!
Nick: BEAR ASS!!!

Welcome back boys and girls. This past weekend marked the return of the annual White-Out weekend at Lake Whittemore where we welcome the sad and pitiful folk from the North known only as the Mainers into our land so that we can marginalize and mock them, just because it amuses us so.

These days ladies and Hosers, our foul smelling foes have endured some truly harsh times. They have gone from NCAA contenders, to mostly a team of repeat offenders. They went from competing with the other top tier teams for home ice, to competing with Merri-Mat just so they can stay on the ice and away from an early start to Golf season. The once proud and boastful though inbred and diluted Mainer faithful have seemingly succumb to the sadness of the decline of their program. Just how bad is it in M-oron-o? Your hero did some investigating, and I have developed 7 tell tale signs of how sad the trailer park Denizens are as of late.

1. UMaine's top alums have crafted this letter that was sent to the School President which demands Timmay's resignation

2. Mainers are so furious with Timmay, that current Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini is being seriously considered for being the first NFL Coach to make the jump to collegiate hockey.

3. Mainers have attempted to make contact with anyone named on the infamous MLB Failed Steroids Test in order to bring them in so they can have another guy to cheat their program to prominence and almost get away with it.

4. Bentley........

5. The only encouragement Mainer goalie coaches can give their sieves is that their goals against average is about the same as Daisuke Matsuzaka's 2009 ERA.

6 Actual Post by Mainer on USCHO on the UNH vs Maine thread:
"**** you Timmay. I am not renewing my season tickets as long as that *** hole ****** bag is behind the bench."

And finally in the spirit of Halloween:
7. Mainers have joined elite company. They are now among fanbases that require only small item in order for others to dress up like them for Halloween. For example
-You could be a Detroit Lions fan
-You could be a Toronto Maple Leafs fan (have fun out there Blake's brother)
-You could also be a Pittsburgh Pirates fan
-And with a with a little work, you can now be a Maine fan

That's all for now ladies and hosers. Be sure to check in throughout the season for more musings and words from the wise to the un-wise. I bid you adieu with your Parting Shot:

Boston's own Bill Simmons enjoys luxury

Good day, Eh
Rouge

One of the greatest internet finds in the history of EVERYTHING

2009-10-06T19:40:00.002-04:00

Welcome to this special edition of the ramblings of your borish and clumsy heroes of heroes. We cover a wide range of topics in these scriptures ranging from the economic crisis, global warming, alternative energy, politics, and pretty much everything that isn't the other things I just said cause I've never mentioned them before nor ever will. But, never has a single post stayed on one topic before in the history of these ramblings. Never has the focus been on one single thing.....

Until tonight...

Last night while watching the Monday night game (AKA ESPN continuing their prevalent hard-on of everything Brett Favre does), the man simply known as Bos, brought something to my attention that not only amazed me, but blew my mind with a cascade of stupefying absurdness!!!

Ladies and Hosers, Douchebags and Mainers, I give you...the 2007 Alaska-Fairbanks Nanooks Hockey team entrance video:

Simply stunning...
What can we learn from this you may ask. Well this finally proves that Polar Bears do indeed come from space and that they will destroy the Moon and the Hubble Telescope one day. Is it possible that the Northern Lights, Winter Solstice, and being so close to Mother Russia have affected the minds of Alaskans the way inbreeding continues to plague Mainers? Could be proof that the Chicago Bulls entrance song, Kenny Loggins, and Metallica can coexist. Maybe it's something of a PSA for the constant threat of Giant Space Polar Bears that control much of the major cities in Alaska. OR..It could simply be a historical reenactment of that failed Soviet space experiment that involved a bear being sent into space.

We may never know the true meaning to this fine cinematic achievement, but we Hoser-folk can take one meaning from this. This video is one of the few reasons that it's good we don't have a jumbotron in the Whitt. Cause you know Marty $carrano would find a way to get something weirder.

Good day, eh!
Rouge

10 not so talked about storylines

2009-10-04T01:57:00.002-04:00

Quote of the week:
"That's what happens at Spring Break, your friends get attacked by stray dogs."
-Bill Simmons

Oh it's the most wonderful time of the year Ladies and Hosers! Another season of conquering the world one rink at a time has begun and what a start it has already been. The traditional drubbing of a irrelevant Canadian team is complete and the latest talent crop to join the ranks of the Good Guys in Blue are thus far impressive. And to top it off, the Black and Gold left the former Whalers in their proper place; Beaten and Bloody.

With the start of every season, there are always several stories to be told with every team. Some of the questions asked are whether the Good Guys can build on their postseason surprise even after Reemer picked Phail-adelphia cheese steaks over DHOP Dollar slices, and whether or not Beancan U can repeat last season's entertaining run to glory. But your hero here will be digging deeper into the storylines that NO ONE is looking into. So here's 10 Storylines that aren't so-talked about.

-Will Timmay finally change his coaching strategies?
Apparently no one has told him that NCAA Hockey isn't like the NHL, in regards to constantly sucking earning you high draft picks.

-How can UNH redeem themselves after the Email debacle?
If only Congressman Soup had been asked to solve their computer confusion earlier.

-Will Gary Bettman and Jim Basillie ever just hug it out?
Forget Hamilton, just bring back the Winnipeg Jets dammit!

-Will we ever see a NCAA Hockey video game?
You figure with Marty $carrano still on NCAA Hockey committees, he'd be foaming at the mouth at this attempt to make a few bucks.

-Just how will the Hab-Nots rebound after an Embarassing start to their centennial season?
Here's a hint

-Can the NUtered one's finally get a Beanpot back to Matthew's even with Thiessen gone?
Their new jumbotron can show a picture of the Beanpot, that's as close as they will ever get.

-Merri-mat....Why do they continue to bother?
Seriously, if anyone knows the answer to this, please call me.

-Is Low-ell on the rise after a surprising HE Tourney run?
I'd be willing to bet that their coach's BAC and Lowell's homicide numbers will still be higher than their winning percentage,

-Just how much lower down the evolutionary ladder will the MVU Cat-A-Fraud fanbase fall after their trip to the Frozen Four after winning the "Patty Cake" Regional?
Everytime the issue of legalizing Marijuana comes the congress, those against pot use these losers as precident to prove that weed turns the most promising young mind into a complete moron.

-And finally, will studies finally confirm that the Common BC Douchebag is nothing more than the Bastard test-tube child of the common Montreal Hab-Not?
Really, the resemblences between the two are really striking.

That's all the wisdom I can muster at 2am for this evening my friends. I'll do what I can to enlighten you all some more this season, but before I depart for the time being, here is your parting shot:

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Not-So Winter Classic Concepts

2009-07-17T19:37:00.002-04:00

Quote of the week:
"KUUUUUNNNNNTTTTZZZZZZ!!!!"
-The common reaction by most who noticed that the KC Royals 1st base coach is named Rusty Kuntz

Welcome back Ladies and Hosers. After a couple of weekend's worth of debauchery, mayhem, and world conquering, yours truly has returned with some thoughts on the big hockey related announcement of the week. No, the Mainers have yet to completely renounce their ways by admitting that they follow a program that encourages cheating, macking on Hannah Montana aged girls, drug use, and general deviance, but this announcement is just as rewarding.

After months of it already being general public knowledge, the NHL officially confirmed that the 2010 Winter Classic Game will be held in the shadow of the Green Monster at hallowed Fenway Park. It will be my beloved Black and Gold, against those punks from PHAILadelphia. As many of you know, I will be making it my mission to be in attendance at this event and will be selling to sell my...errrr umm YOUR kidney to make it happen.

And to top it off, It appears College Hockey will in turn join in the historic event by allowing the lowly likes of Beancan U and Brokeback College to sully the holy grounds of Fenway by having them play a pair of games against yet to be named opponents. Now before all us Hosers get excited, from what I have read thus far, the likely opponents will not be the Good Guys in Blue, but will likely be the Goons from Proviced, and the Cat-A-Frauds. Now of course the smart idea would be to have BU and BC play each other then have UNH and the Mainers go at it on New England's most sacred field of competition, but it appears those in power will go with what might be a failure of an idea. Which got me to thinking...How could the NHL, or college hockey for that matter, manage to create a failure from the concept of an outdoor game. Well, after some investigations, here are some ideas for outdoor games, that just wont work.

BC Hockey @ Alumni Stadium on Brokeback College's campus:
Really, imagine a stadium full of BC bags of douche screaming like little girls at how cold it is. Besides, winter conditions don't allow for Rave fogs to roll in like they do in Conte

NY Islanders @ the Three Mile Island Faceoff.
Well a busted nuclear reactor is nicer than the Nassau Colosieum.

MerriMAT College @ Some NHL Rink sized frozen section of the Merrimack River
Another case of the outdoor venue being nicer than the regular home venue

Carolina Hurri-Cant's @ Darlington Speedway
OK, this was actually an idea some putz actually suggested on the Boston.com sports section forums for future Winter Classic venues. Whoever, this idiot is, I have never wanted to strike someone upside the head with a newspaper for being such a dissapointment to society more than when I read that suggestion. And to add to it, can you imagine the braintrust that is NASCAR nation trying to watch an event at a NASCAR venue that involves taking right turns?

MVU Cat-A-Frauds @ Anywhere in Vermont
Really, can you imagine anything else but the obvious happening where you mix MVU with a venue that has Vermont grass in it? Nothing but blazing.....and hazing

NY Rangers vs Washington Craptials @ Yankee $tadium
This seems to be the likely arrangement for next season, but let's face it, the only people who would be able to afford front row tickets to this event would be Lorne Michaels, Bill Gates, Donald Trump, and Alex Ovechkin himself, so why bother?

That's all for now Hoseheads. My next rant for the benefit of society may not be for a while as I'll be be out and about conquering the world for the next few weeks, so before I go, here is a Parting Shot to keep you amused till next time

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

You're tweeting for a beating

2009-06-21T20:56:00.003-04:00

Quote of the Week:
"I really don't like wet wood"
-Capt Morgan

Welcome back to the shitshow Ladies and Hosers. Today we are going to delve into a topic that has become something of an international craze with most of society: Twitter.

As most know, Twitter is an online account that allows you to post small snippets of your daily goings on for all to see and follow. Athletes do it to connect with their fans, sports columnists use it to keep readers informed of the latest stories they are working on, and celebrities of course use it to feed off the sad folk that live vicariously through them.

Now yours truly has never bought into the internet sensation du jour, but I do admit that the other day, I decided to browse a few twitter accounts to try and see just what makes this such a hit across the country with all walks of life, and here are some of the "tweets" I came across.

"Man, I really love this twitter stuff. Texting my players was killing my phone bill"
NotCoachingMutch@BC
05/30/2009 @1:45pm

"Just outran another "Fire Timmay" mob. Thankfully for me, I ran through a field of sheep and they were plenty distracted by that. Really do wonder how PETA hasn't declared war on this part of Maine yet."
UhOh!I'mstillcoaching@Maine
4/26/2009 @10:33AM

"25 shots of vodka later, I've fallen off my barstool, and that goal should have counted"
DUIBenchboss@UML
3/30/2009 @4:30am

"The Coyotes will stay in the desert no matter how bankrupt they are and the best part is, now the league and I get to run the team ourselves. We've run the league just fine so this should be a piece of cake!"
CommishNapoleon@nhl.com
06/02/2009 @8:15pm

"I think someone may have shit on the coats during our team's 100th Birthday party!"
ThePriceisWronginMTL
04/18/2009 @9:53pm

"Really good turnout at the post season rally though many of the male fans seem to really like fishsticks for some reason."
BrokebackColl69
03/30/2009 @3:12pm

"Just got these sweet USB drives for freshman orientation day, but was just told something about a long walk around campus for all freshman and that we might need to wash our hands after it."
CatAfraudfroshie00
09/03/2008 @2:34pm

That's all the Twitter trashtalk for now ladies and Hosers. You have my permission to go enjoy summer now that the rain has finally stopped, so before you head out into the sun, here is your parting shot:

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

2009-2010: Any bets on which populus we horribly offend first (besides the Mainers)

2009-06-01T20:14:00.005-04:00

Quote of the week:
"I consider my style that of the men of the 1930s, where men had an elegant style, tight suits, tight collars, lots of jewellery, a clean sharp image. I must admit my style has been called foppish, but I like it."
-The Great Don Cherry

Welcome back Ladies and Hosers, I might be a little behind in bringing up the schedule that was released for the 09-10 Season. We of course have our usual engagements with the River Pigeons, Proviced, Merri-mat, the standard Anonymous Canadian college team (Acadia this time), Um-Ass, and the NUtered Huskies. But lets take a quick look at the dates that will be circled on the calendars of those that so desperately need us to save them from themselves and the perpetual failure that is known as their lives.

10/10: @RPI
-As I've been to that region recently for work already, I can definitively say, they really need a visit from the Hosers to give them a beacon of hope and glory...And I was disappointed in the gentleman's clubs in the region as well.

10/16-10/17: vs Miami of Not Florida
Last season's National Runner-Up will be the first NCAA opponent to enter Lake Whittemore. And they were last inductee to enter the "Last minute loss to Beancan U in 2009" Support Group along with us and MVU.

10/24: Whiteout game:
Word is that Timmay will be getting a ticker tape welcome parade through Durham for continuing the justly deserved new tradition of Mainer hockey since he got to town.

10/30-10/31: Halloween with Bad-gers
These are the guys that took in Beach-ball Bennet....enough said.

11/20-11/21: vs Beancan U
Will the Bromance between Soup, George and the BU fans end? Or will they hug it out and watch Titanic together?

01/03: vs Corned-nell
In December of 2006, The Hosers and Cornell formed an alliance to stamp out run-away Mainer-esque lifestyles during the great Hoser Conquest of Florida. We'll probably commemorate this anniversary by handing out autographed Mike Ayers mini-masks complete with authentic "face mask save" puck marks.

01/16: vs Dartmouth in Manch-Vegas
Where for art thou Keggy?

02/05-02/06 @ Sn-Orono
If recent history says anything, the majority any angry inbred mobs will be chasing the coach out of town instead of us at the end of the weekend.

02/19-02/20: vs MVU
Anybody wanna start an over-under for how many Cat-A-Fraud failures visiting town get fitted for a set of UNH police zip-tie cuffs?

02/26-02/27 vs NUtered Huskies
The NUtered ones will likely still be in their usual Beanpot failure hangover at this point.

03/05-03/06 vs Brokeback College
We have to spend one of the greatest days in recorded human and Hoser history alike in the Biggest douchebag mecca in mankind outside of Montreal?!?!

That's all for now Ladies and Hosers, and before I go here is my parting shot:

As some of you may know, a recent steroid bust in Florida was found to have ties to the Washington Capitals. Upon review of this highlight from this past season, It's clear to me that if the Caps were given any performance enhancing drugs...There certainly was no testosterone related drugs in Alexander Semin's system at the time of this little incident

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Vote Rouge for Commissioner in 2010!!!

2009-05-21T23:12:00.008-04:00

Quote of the Week:

"If you don't like this kid, then you just don't like your mother"

-Dwight Evans on Dustin Pedroia

Welcome to the New and Improved scriptures Ladies and Hosers! Hopefully now I will be able to make something of a Mario Lemieux-esque comeback to greatness in order to save you all with my words of wisdom.

As many of you can imagine, I'm still mourning the unjust demise of the Black and Gold (hence the Black and Gold layout, in Honor of a still great season to remember) and somewhat discouraged in the possibility of an incredibility boring Cup final. So unsurprisingly, these events made me remember all the ways the NHL has completely disappointed me over the past decade or so. Of course, I've already made a similar post in the past about how to save the NHL, but now I'm ready to take it one step further.

Right now, that Blackberry guy in Ontario wants to own an NHL team, the ESPN Sports Guy wants to be the GM of the Minnesota Timberwolves. So Fuck it, I'm announcing my candidacy to become the new Commissioner of the National Hockey League!

Crazy you say? Absurd and ridiculous you think? Well hey, lets consider who the current guy in charge is. The same one that took the league that was at least on stable ground in the early 90's, and then pretty much sent it to hell and oversaw the first cancelled season in all the major sports in North America. But before I continue to rip into Mr. Bettman any further, lets look at the very few ways he may have gotten things right.

1. Promoting the new generation of stars: I could do without the unhealthy man-crush he has on Cindy Crosby and Ovechkin, but for the most part, their definitely has been a shift in how the league is marketing it's players which is good considering rising talents like Kane and Toews in Chicago, Phaneuf in Calgary, and of course Lucic out here.
2. The obstruction penalties-I originally was against this as it was called so often in the beginning, but now it seems the players have adjusted and the game is faster.
3. The apparent return of old time hockey- Within the last two seasons, their seems to be a lot more aggression out there which is a good sight for traditionalist fans and a good way to lure new fans
4. The Outdoor Game- An absolutely great spectacle and the fact that it does count in the regular season makes it mean something. With Fenway being the next likely host (I will be looking into tickets FYI), Cities like Philly (Lincoln Financial Field), New Jersey (Giants Stadium), and even NY (Yankee Stadium) could be next. But I'd be hesitant about NY, mostly because if they have A-Fraud drop the ceremonial puck, it would be the first big steroid scandal to hit hockey

And now, this is where I come in and begin the Reign of Rouge to save the world of Pro Hockey. Here are the decrees set forth by the soon-to-be benevolent-ish dictator.

The Contractions and Re-Locations: What amount of crack and heroin was Bettman smoking when he thought that moving teams from where hockey was alive and thriving to places that don't even have real winters?!?!?! Here is my list for teams that are either moving, on the brink, and going the way of the California Golden Seals
On the Brink

Carolina-Maybe a little postseason hatred still stewing here, but I do acknowledge they do get great crowds now-a-days, but I'm fairly certain as soon as the team goes south in the standings, they would go back to tarping off the upper bowl again. But safe for now.
Columbus- This is a market that I think could work once they string some more winning seasons, but have largely been an unknown since their inception.
New Jersey- Some would think it absurd that I would put a recent 3-time cup champion in this column, but I think it's more absurd that a 3-Time Cup champion couldn't sell out for playoffs in either their old rink or the new one, and was even more embarrassing in the regular season.
Dallas- Still on the fence here, but I am concerned where the team goes once Mike Modano calls it quits.

Same Faces, Different Places:

Phoenix- It looks like it's bound to happen as it is, the only question is will be it be the return of the Hamilton Tigers, or the return of the Winnipeg Jets (my money is on the Jets as the owners clearly hate the Blackberry guy)
NY Islanders-I truly hate the fact that one of the last real dynasties in hockey are now at the point where they can't get any help in either getting a new rink, or even fixing the complete crap tank they currently play in But if any of that doesn't happen, they'll be packing up for KC, Seattle, or the loser of the battle for the Coyotes (Winnipeg or Hamilton).

OOOHHHH SEE-YA!!!

Atlanta- You'd think Bettman would've gotten the hint that hockey doesn't work in Atlanta the FIRST time Hockey failed there (see Atlanta to Calgary). Time to get Kovalchuck on a team where his talent will be appreciated.
Anaheim- A lame Disney idea from the start, and supposedly they actually had to lure fans to their Stanley Cup celebration with free food..Not cool
Nashville-Really...Nashville, Gary? Other parts of Canada or the Northern US didn't make sense but fucking Nashville did?
Tampa Bay- Hockey team in Florida...enough said
Florida- See above
Montreal-....Well OK, I guess I can't cut them, but their uber metrosexual fans and the fact that they had Cirque Du Soleil for the All Star game are actually making Brokeback College look more like Chuck Norris

Places I think would be good for hockey (both old and new places)

Seattle- This is an area desperate for a pro team at any level and already has high grade junior hockey thriving. Could develop a healthy rivalry with Vancouver
Winnipeg- The originators of the White Out should have their team back
Hamilton- They came as close as having a successful season ticket drive when the Blackberry guy nearly got Nashville
The Maritime Provinces- I've always found it odd that no one tried to tap into this region of Canada
Kansas City- Very on the fence with this, but I still remember when the Penguins were nearly moved there, and some out there had actually had KC Scouts jerseys made with Crosby's name on them, so there is interest and an appreciation of history.

And speaking of people and other things on their way out, We'll start with Colin "Can't do my Job" Campbell. The leagues chief disciplinarian has been completely inconsistent with how he does his job and everyone knows it. For example, and I apologize for using a Boston reference here: Milan Lucic tags a Hab-not in the head with a cross check, and gets a one game suspension. Upon retrospect, this was the right call to make but was not required by the rules. However, later in the playoffs, not one but two clowns on the Carolina Whaler-canes get instigator penalties in the final minute of a game ( See Scotty "Sucker-Punching Scum" Walker and Eric Bayda) which automatically calls for a one game suspension by the rules. "Can't do my Job" Campbell goes against his own rules and doesn't suspend either player. Oh and let's not forget about how he booted Sean Avery for multiple games for saying naughty words that had no bearing on the game whatsoever.

Also, it's about time we heard the oh-so classic hymn better known as the National Hockey Night theme again. VS hasn't been terrible, but if your looking for reaching out to new fans at all ages, it would be helpful to have regular exposure on a network that everyone has. And also put some more personality to it by having more than just the man with the Golden Mullet. Get the legendary Don Cherry on the show and Mike Milbury has really gotten my attention as well.

As it is late, I'll make my final revisions for the moment short and sweet. The instigator rule, gone. Let the players police the game as they have in the past (and as we previously mentioned, the rule isn't even correctly enforced). Forget the trapezoid for goalies. The shootout goes bye bye and we bring back ties. Go back to the Wales and Campbell Conference names (cause why not?). Why not take a page from college hockey's book of tricks by using an ESPN TV deal to have a big rivalry week on the schedule with historic rival games (Boston vs Montreal, NY vs NJ, Philly vs Pitt, Toronto vs Ottawa, Edmonton vs Calgary etc) to get the die hards glued to the TV and get some new people to see the game at a near playoff pitch.

That's all for the moment folks, stay tuned for some new rants and other absurdities I may point out...And now for a new portion I like to call "The Parting Shot"

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Frozen Four 09: Hosers crash the White House

2009-04-12T18:16:00.005-04:00

Quote of the week:
"George, I will take a shit in front of this door just so you can accidentally step in it"
-Mr. Soup

Well ladies and Hosers, It's mid-April which means it's time for the annual Frozen Four pilgrimage for your heroes. This year Washington DC played host for the clumsy and borish ones. So let's give you the full recap of the goings on.

Wednesday: "Has anyone seen the Baltimore Colts?"
We were off from Manch-Vegas and arrived in Baltimore just after lunchtime. While the Godfather and Darci went straight to DC to catch up with others, yours truly, Jorge, and Mr. Soup ventured into Baltimore to enjoy a ball game. Unfortunately it involved witnessing the NY All Sta-roids. During the course of the game we noted several similarites between Camden Yards and a certain rink in North Andover (bear with me on this). Like the Volpe, a large portion of the people that attended the game, were not fans of the home team. Also like the Volpe, some of the more vocal home team fans, were barbaric to say the least. After an evening at a truly luxurious ballpark, we returned to our quarters to rest for another day of Jorge and Soup waiting for me to catch up to them as I struggle to carry luggage and hockey gear alike all through town.

Thursday: Beavers, BU fans named James and not Kevin, more Beaver, and has anyone seen BC anywhere?
After a long morning of dragging luggage and hockey equipment everywhere between Baltimore and DC, we rejoined our fellow hosers at the House that Ovechkin Built. Now as Hoser Tradition states, we always sit in an area more accurately described as the "Lodge". We are used to fine leather seats with plenty of leg room and the occassional fireplace when needed. However on this occassion, yours truly was regulated to.....a folding chair...with one arm rest. Game One consited of the Miami not of Florida DodoHawks and of course the Beavers. Really though, aside from seeing a grown man run around in a Beaver suit that looked more like Goldy, it was something of a snoozer. Game 2 aside from the fact it involved the Cat-A-Frauds who were fresh off their hall-pass of a regional win, was a true thriller. In the end, Beancan U left the arena with the win and one particularly beligerently drunk fan named James, and MVU left for the Elephant exhibit at the Smithsonian to plan for next years frosh class.

Friday: Skills competition and the Poster's Game....I had the best moves in both events of course ;-) And don't forget "Inappropriate Touching Friday" AKA Darci's ass is gonna be bruised the next morning

While the Hosers trekked throughout the monuments in the capital, yours truly was preparing to give all the USCHO a true treat. That's right ladies and Hosers, was going to lace up the skates and make my rookie appearance in the annual USCHO Posters Game. Unfortunately for me, some guy named "Rogue" stole the show with some dazzling moves and superb skating. Can't hate the guy though, he is a damn good looking man. Later that evening, we made our annual appearance at the Skills Competition. Last season we saw records set in the category of fastest recorded slap shot...This year we saw a record number of botched or otherwise unimpressive moves. The moral of this story..when you look to guys named Orpik or Bradford to make impressive moves, your probably going to be more disappointed than someone thinking that going to Maine will get you ahead in life.

Saturday: Beancan U steals the show and now we wait till October
In the spirit of the epic and heartstopping games that have occurred throughout the postseason thus far, it only seemed fitting that the title game be the biggest shocker of them all. Down 3-1 in the third period to Miami not of Florida, Beancan U pulled off a blockbusting 2 goal outburst in the final minute. The epic drama was enough to create a true bromance moment between Jorge, Soup and a pair of elated BU fans. Come OT and after Soup and Jorge exchanged numbers with those BU fans, Beancan U took their place at the top of mountain one last time. Congrats to Beancan U and all our friends who while misguided in their support of BU, were as always great for that final postgame gathering at the bar.

And so another tale in the Epic of the Hosers came to an end, and we raise a glass to the hopes for the Good Guys in Blue come october.

On a more serious note, while the Good Guys in Blue will obviously be back and ready to go next season, and certainly the Hosers and Friends will be there every step of the way, I'm sorry to say that I will not be among them come next season with very few possible exceptions. This was not by any stretch of the imagination an easy choice nor one made on the spur of a moment, but I do think it's the best choice everyone involved.

I don't like Goodbyes, and I don't think it's entirely necessary since I'll be tempted to make an appearance here and there, so I'll just say thank you from the bottom of my slightly broken heart to the Hosers and anyone else bunched into our group, whom are the best hockey fans at all levels of play, and are some of the best people that I have ever met. Thank you all for 6 of the best years of my life.

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

The weekend we'll never forget

2009-03-29T22:07:00.003-04:00

HA HA! Back from the dead for but a brief moment Ladies and Hosers. It's certainly been a long season of ups, downs, beers, more beers, and Mainers that are so ugly, no amount of beer could possibly convince me otherwise. But after the weekend that transpired a few blocks from my abode in downtown Manch-Vegas, I felt compelled to grace you with a musing that you all have been missing for quite sometime.

I make no qualms about it folks, this has been a tough season for all of Hoser Nation. It was a season of a few great games, and some really bad ones. OT and Grandpa Hoser made few appearances as they have been very busy with raising the great Hoser child of the Future (whom is to my understanding has become the biggest hit on NESN besides Hazel Mae and Heidi Watney), and yours truly had to break his own streak of consecutive home games (nothing compared to other Hosers but nonetheless) for work reasons. The Good Guys in Blue had some rough weekends throughout the season that made much of us faithful cringe at times and they were dealt less than a pleasant card this postseason.

First it was playing Brokeback College it the HE Quarters. And the bags of douche were able to leave our home away from home with their collars popped high and their trust fund fueled egos in tact. Then we discovered that for the NCAA regionals, we would be facing the Fighting "CENSORED" in mine and the Godfather's backyard. I make no bones about it Hosers, this backyard has been less than pleasant for the Good Guys in Blue in years past.

We arrived at the regionals only hoping they would put on a good show, and for the most part heading into the 3rd period they did. And then with a 5-3 lead for NoDak late in the third, even the most die hard UNH backer was preparing for the usual early exit.

Then Greg Collins brought the deficit to within one goal late in the third. A faint hope existed from that moment. But with 5.7 seconds left in the game, it should have been done with. The game should've been over. North Dakota with their reputation should've ended UNH's season with that faceoff. There were people on USCHO ready to start the UNH offseason thread.

With .07 seconds left, Thomas Fortney defied everything and sent all of New Hampshire into hysterics. A simple rebound goal tied the game. UNH is never supposed to make plays like this and certainly not like this in the NCAA postseason in Manchester, but they did. And for the first time ever, the line between Lake Whittemore and the Rink on the Corner of Granite and Elm was blurred as the building shook with excitement.

And then 45 seconds into overtime, Peter Leblanc committed the ultimate act of defiance of common beliefs by blasting a one-timer for the win.

I simply say, there are certain moments as a sports fan that stay with you forever. For me, there's Dave Roberts stealing second, Vinaterri's field goals in 01, Game six vs the Habs this past year, and now there will be 03/28/2009 UNH vs UND. No one could've predicted nor scripted this game any better for all the UNH faithful.

Today, a grand prizefight between BU and UNH took place that should also go down in history as one of the best played games in history. While it is dissappointing that UNH was unable to advance beyond today, it does not tarnish nor take away what was really accomplished by the good guys in Blue this weekend.

For the first time in a number of years, the Good Guys in Blue truly captivated the Granite State if not all New England with the amount of heart, grit, and will to win they showed in the face of tremendous odds. For that, I raise my glass to the Good Guys in Blue, in particular those that played their final game in blue and white tonight and say thank you and congratulations for competing with the passion and honor you showed.

Once again, there are moments in time you can never ever forget. This weekend, all of UNH will remember that .07 seconds is all it takes to make one believe again.

Good day, eh!
Rouge

Closing time eh

2008-10-17T23:40:00.003-04:00

As Metallica once said, you know it's sad but true. Yours truly has decided that its time to put the brakes on this online encyclopedia of randomness and absurdities at least for the time being.

As you may or may not have noticed, new posts have become few and far between. And for the most part, most of what I've put in lately hasn't been the works of genius and brilliance that I was proud of, but could not admit to making in the court of law for assorted legal reasons.

I started this thing up in 2006 mostly as a means of killing time during ops shifts at the whitt or as an excuse to not do homework. And a lot of it was that everyone seemed to get a kick out of it which was pretty rewarding as well.

It's 2008 now, and I don't do ops shifts in Durham anymore, if I skip out on doing work from home, I possibly could get fired, and with few exceptions, it seems like fewer and fewer are stopping by. Perhaps they were tired of getting their mind blown on a regular basis.

I wont completely rule out a possible comeback tour if something absolutely crazy happens that cannot be ignored or bringing it back in a different format. But for now, rather than feeling bad about not posting enough, or advertising it enough, I'm just gonna close it out for the time being.

Thanks to everyone for providing with the fodder to dish out a few laughs while degrading a couple groups of people for shortcomings including but not limited to screwing livestock, screwing their cousins, being closet case retards, alcoholic midgets, foul mouthed pot smoking losers, bags of douche, and several others that I cannot remember but probably offended.

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Hosers Almanac 09/28: The season approaches and why no Black Bear pinanta at the party, Matt?

2008-09-28T10:05:00.007-04:00

Quote of the week:
"...I've gotta go run some little French guys over."
-Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton before a preseason game with the Hab-nots

Thats right ladies and Hosers, we officially in sieve-ing distance of the season. Another couple months worth of making lives better and a complete nightmare all at the same time approaches. And just to get things going, here's a little something yours truly had brought to his attention recently.

Aliens sure as hell didnt cut this crop circle. As you can see, all restrooms and dog fouling can be done on the right side of the maze. Legend has it that there is no prize nor exit from this maze, there is only Eddie Caron waiting at the end, savoring the next meal to come.

-Godfather Hoser of course recently celebrated his birthday. Thus it was a celebration of epic proportions that included a boxing match of epic proportions that topped Ali vs Fraser (of course I wasn't present to place bets on it). As great a celebration of Hoser-dom it was, I must ask, why did no one think to bring something like this to the party?

-Of course all the world is celebrating the return of the Hosers to Lake Whittemore. In fact all the world is has declared the next 14 days an international celebration of greatness. In upstate Vermont to this day, citizens still re-enact the now world famous incident of the Hosers being greeted by US Border Patrol and then being ultimately exonerated of any wrong doing by a local police officer (whom is now a folk hero).

-Speaking of folk heroes. I present to all of you in Hoser Nation...A true Hoser of Hosers:

Jason Bay doesn't wear a batting helmet...He wears a batting Tuque!!!

That's all for now Ladies and Hosers, back to the beer and couch I go.....See you at Lake Whitt tomorrow, and until then, as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Hosers Almanac 09/13: Elm St wont know what hit them and the overdue Hoserfest recap

2008-08-10T20:37:00.005-04:00

Quote of the week:
"Empty net goals are for faggots"
-Former NHL slapshot master Al "Wild thing" Iafrate

Still alive and kicking ladies and Hosers. Its been a good long time since I last enlightend the masses, so lets get right into it.

-Fuck you KC Chiefs Safety Keith Pollard.

-As you all are aware, yours truly has relocated to a new more convenient location in downtown Manch-Vegas. Once again your hero is within walking distance of UNH games (even if it's only for a guaranteed 2 games). It's been a pretty hectic two weeks to say the least. Between the ticker tape "Welcome Home" parade the city threw me, receiving the keys to the city, and ultimately striking fear into the hearts of those who are non-hosers, we've barely had time to complete the move in process. We've only just begun installing hardwood floors made from the few trees found at the summit of Kilamanjaro and we are still in talks to allow a Sam Adams brewery to be built into the living room. But it does smell of rich mohaghany and leather bound books, so progress is being made.

-The world stood still as the grand celebration of hockey, love, alcohol, and the never ending crusade to stamp out runaway Mainer-esque lifestyles in the world, better known as Hoserfest 08 took place last month. To give the complete recap of the weekend would result too many minds being blown from the epic magnitude of it all. So here's a brief listing of what went down

For once, I wasnt the one that got completely plastered
Godfather Hoser defeated Darci, and the victory celebration went something like this
It has been confirmed..Anything the Hoser Child of the Future may do wrong...IT'S ALL NICK'S FAULT!!
Aquatic baseball is possible, and the Hosers can easily defeat the team better known as the NY Skankees
Whitesnake did not make their scheduled appearance, and it's their own fault.
It was proven that a man and the posterboard rendering of another man can find true love at Hoserfest, even if it involves alot of alcohol and papercuts rather than chaffing.
Someone other than myself, Jay or Ankur got shitfaced at a Hoser gathering, Im still astounded
Maine still sucks
Black Betty made an appearance at the Whitt, and she bitch slapped Marty
And overall the world is now a better place, thanks to us.

Thats all for now Hosers, stay tuned for any further madness as the season approaches. Before I go, here's a friendly greeting to all those NY fans (with few exceptions) who appear to be reveling in the injury of his greatness Tom Brady:

J!-E!-T!-S!YOU STILL SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Hosers Almanac: 06/06: Stumping for Charity and renaming the Calder Cup to the Haydar Cup

2008-06-06T22:27:00.015-04:00

Another week of hiding behind the corporate wall (at least, that's what one guy claimed I do for work) is over ladies and hosers. And I'm here to send you into the weekend with my latest recap of recent events that the world can say "Hey, them Hosers did right once again, and Maine still sucks".

-Yours truly will be participating in the "All Day Powerplay" event July 26-27th in Hudson, NH at Cyclones Arena. The name of the event pretty much describes it perfectly, as your hero will be lacing it up for 24 hours worth of ice time (Yes, I know I'm crazy, you know I'm crazy, and you know its one of my more attractive qualities). All donations and other proceeds will be going towards the Nashua, NH Children's Home. The common goal held by alot of those skating in this event is to be able to pitch in about $500 worth of donations from others. I will be pitching in about $100 myself. I know a lot of you hosers and others who read maybe pretty financially strapped, but this is definitely a worthwhile cause and I'm throwing this out there to anyone who would be able and want to contribute whatever amount they'd be able to. If you want to throw in a contribution, leave a comment here, drop me an IM, or call if you got the number, and I'll send you some of the tax writeoff paperwork once I get it. Think of it like this, you get to help out a great cause and know that I may drop dead from exhaustion of playing a straight 24 hours of hockey. As the site says, My Pain, their gain!

-The NHL season came to a close Wednesday evening with the Red Wings claiming the Stanley Cup in 6 games over Pittsburgh. In other words, sadly another year where Lord Stanley is kept away from it's rightful home on Causeway St, but thankfully, another year where its kept out of the hands of the slime of humanity better known as the Hab-nots. Unlike the previous post-lockout finals, this one was actually very entertaining to watch. But we here in the Nation have to wonder, would TyCo have let the nail in the coffin-goal dribble in easily like Fleury did? I think not!!!!....As long as he stayed in net of course.

-While all of us here in Hoser Nation continue to make worthwhile contributions to society and making the world a better place in general, those failures up in Orono, another pathetic failure follows his misguided dream.

-The American Hockey League is apparently in the process of changing the names of the league championship and MVP awards to the "Jason Krog Award of Greatness" and the "Haydar Cup". And I think that this little photo proves that somethings never change in spite of time and level of play when it comes to UNH forwards making Beancan U sieves look foolish

-The Hoser Child of the Future better known as Emily is apparently already bench pressing a bus. Look Roger, no roids!

-As we all have noticed, the 08-09 Schedule once again includes a night in Manchester vs the Scum of the Earth. We all have heard the rationale of such scheduling as it will be another year of regionals being held in the same arena. All of us here in the Nation are of course unhappy with sacrificing a Maine game in Durham for yet another year. It's quite apparent that the powers that be that wont listen to the intellectuals of Hoser Nation, are committed to playing additional games in Manch in years where the regionals will be played there. Your heroes have of course come up with various remedies to this problem. We could always play Merrimack in that extra game in Manch, so that not only we would get additional playing time on that sheet, and Merrimack actually gets a slight taste of what a postseason birth may actually taste like. Then again, the way the Mainers are going, playing that game in Manchester could be the closest thing to a postseason game they may get for some time too.

Poster Boy of the Week: Roger Clemens
Apparently this was the performance enhancer Roid-ger was using all these years.
Viagra: The official drug of Major League pitchers that make up words in front of congress while testifying about his use of performance enhancers. The only remaining question is whether he was trying to enhance his performance on the mound, or his performance with 15 year-old girls?
Well that wraps it up for another week ladies and hosers...Oh wait, I forgot to give you your quote of the week...2 words say it all:
BEAT LA!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Until next time, goodnight Canada, and of course as always

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Dockett #20082009: Hoser Nation vs The World

2008-05-27T22:36:00.005-04:00

Well it's officially out Ladies and Hosers, the official 2008-2009 Hoser Nation World Tour/UNH Hockey Schedule. This upcoming has a lot of the old mixed in with some friends we have not seen in a while. So here's a short sample of who will be graced by our presence come the Fall.

Saturday October 04, 2008 7:00 PM
ST. FRANCIS XAVIER (Exhibition)
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
While the outcome of our last encounter with this team wasn't so much fun, the after party when we locked Referee Tom Fyrer in the stockades and pelted him rotten fruit was good times had by all!

Saturday October 11, 2008 7:00 PM
WISCONSIN
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
The Wisco-trash powerplay dance should be replaced with this more appropriate little number

Friday October 17, 2008 7:00 PM
RENSSELAER
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
These guys aren't relevant enough to warrant a witty remark

Saturday October 18, 2008 7:00 PM
BOSTON U.*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
Where'd you go Beachball Bennet, we miss you so

Friday October 24, 2008 7:00 PM
MASSACHUSETTS*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
Those grey pants really worked out for them last year

Sunday October 26, 2008 3:00 PM
at St. Lawrence
Canton, N.Y.
Appleton Arena
AKA: The Hosers vs United States Border Patrol II: Prophecy Fulfilled

Friday October 31, 2008 7:00 PM
NORTHEASTERN*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
Remember last year when some NU clown on USCHO thought the NUtered mutts were on the same level of the Good Guys in Blue? Maybe he was referring to number of beanpots in the last 20 years

Saturday November 01, 2008 7:00 PM
at Northeastern*
Boston, Mass.
Matthews Arena
"IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Friday November 07, 2008 7:00 PM and Saturday November 08, 2008 7:00 PM
at Minnesota
Minneapolis, Minn.
Mariucci Arena
This really says enough

Friday November 14, 2008 7:00 PM
at UMass-Lowell*
Lowell, Mass.
Tsongas Arena
Iron Mike Lowell's one regret in life is that this slum scum town shares his namesake

Saturday November 15, 2008 7:00 PM
at Boston College*
Chestnut Hill, Mass.
Conte Forum
The levels of Douche-baggery will be at an all time high for this one

Friday November 21, 2008 7:00 PM
at Northeastern*
Boston, Mass.
Matthews Arena
Still don't get....IT!!!!!?

Saturday November 22, 2008 7:00 PM
PROVIDENCE*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
Ever notice that the best players on Proviced are from New Hampshire?

Saturday November 29, 2008 7:00 PM
MERRIMACK*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center

Maybe they'll finally have that breakout season people have been predicting for the last decade...or not

Friday December 05, 2008 7:00 PM
at UMass-Lowell*
Lowell, Mass.
Tsongas Arena

UMass-Lowell: Where the rate of students and alums being infected with STDS is higher than our winning percentage

Saturday December 06, 2008 7:00 PM
UMASS-LOWELL*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
3-2.....No that's not my prediction for the score of this one, that's my guess on how many shots of vodka it will take to get Blaise drunk before this one.

Thursday December 11, 20087:00 PM
HOLY CROSS
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
I find it extremely ironic we are playing Minnesoter and Holy Cross in the same season.

Sunday January 04, 20092:00 PM
at Maine*
Orono, Maine
Alfond Arena

Our annual visits to the White Trash Penal Colony of New England have been much more pleasant in recent years, too bad Benji Bitch-op wont be around for the assist anymore

Friday January 09, 2009 7:00 PM
MASSACHUSETTS*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center

They had to beat up on the Mainers just to get in to the playoffs: See below as to how that went

Saturday January 10, 2009 7:00 PM
at Massachusetts*
Amherst, Mass.
Mullins Center
All that work in beating out the Mainers and Merrimack just to get into the playoffs, and all they got was laughed out of the season

Saturday January 17, 2009 7:00 PM
vs. Dartmouth (VWA)
Manchester, N.H.
Verizon Wireless Arena

If last years experience taught us anything its that.....I'll think of it sometime

Friday January 23, 2009 7:00 PM
at Boston U.*
Boston, Mass.
Agganis Arena

The only beacon of hope, in an arena home to several hopeless souls, is the Dick Umile Scoreboard

Saturday January 24, 2009 7:00 PM
BOSTON U.*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center

Seriously, how bad could the BU 2nd string goalie could've been to lose the starting job to Bennet?

Friday January 30, 2009 7:00 PM
VERMONT*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
Word is Fall-Apart Fallon bolted MVU was due to the rising costs of hash flavored Ben & Jerry's.

Friday February 06, 2009 7:00 PM
MAINE*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center

ESPN better keep their money grubbing hands off this one

Saturday February 07, 2009 7:00 PM
MAINE* (VWA)
Manchester, N.H.
Verizon Wireless Arena

While we are all very upset of wasting the home-ice aspect with this game being in Manchester, we can at least take solace in the fact that we have arranged a section of the city to be the only parking lot Mainers will be allowed to park their horses/wives...The bottom of the Merrimack River.

Friday February 13, 2009 7:00 PM
PROVIDENCE*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
(Insert generic SMT's vs Goons comment here)

Saturday February 14, 2009 7:00 PM
at Providence*
Providence, R.I.
Schneider Arena
Will we see Friar Patty McFeely or the inexplicable PC Dalmatian this year?

Friday February 20, 2009 7:00 PM
BOSTON COLLEGE *
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
The Ricky Kid and Sean are still saddened that the Gerbe Baby was too busy crying and pouting to sign my custom made 8x10's

Saturday February 21, 2009 7:00 PM
at Boston College*
Boston, Mass.
Conte Forum
The first 2,000 fans at the game get a free "BC Diving" t-shirt

Friday February 27, 2009 7:00 PM
at Merrimack*
North Andover, Mass.
Lawler Arena
At least we wont be here just after being at the Adolph Engelsted Arena like last season

Saturday February 28, 2009 7:00 PM
MERRIMACK*
Durham, N.H.
Whittemore Center
I saw a record 5 jersey wearing Merrimack fans in Denver this year...None will probably be present this weekend

Friday March 06, 2009 7:00 PM and Saturday March 07, 2009 7:00 PM
at Vermont*
Burlington, Vt.
Gutterson Field House
Considering how they treat their froshes in Burlington, I imagine being a senior on senior night could be potentially traumatic

Mark your calendars appropriately Hosers! The Season approaches as does HoserFest! That's all for now. Until next time, Goodnight Canada, and of course as always,

Good day, Eh
Rouge

Hosers Almanac: 05/19: The Graduation Speech the Class of 08 wishes they could have

2008-05-19T22:15:00.004-04:00

Quote of the Week:
The Following is an ROC Production: Rick Astley and pistol whipping a Habs fan: Together at last as God intended.

Well Ladies and Hosers, this coming Saturday is a bittersweet day for all of us UNH folk. It marks the One Year Anniversary of the sad day when Durham's greatest hero next to Dave Ball, Rick Santos, and most of the better UNH hockey players, yours truly bid farewell to Durham. It is joyous as another class of fine men and women receive the honor of their UNH diploma's. Now of course, when your hero here took the walk of honor, former president's Bush and Clinton were on hand to honor this occasion (and to consult with the Hosers on things such as foreign policy and just where George Senior went wrong in raising dubya). The class of 08, obviously failed to live up to the legend that is the Class of 2007 so they got some other guy whose name is unknown to all to speak this year.

But for just a moment, let us envision that they did get a speaker of unimaginable wisdom and greatness...But then the guy cancelled and they had to settle for the next best thing, myself. Here is the speech I would grace these brave young souls with.

"My brothers and sister New Hampshire Blue and White, I should spend this entire time to list all the ways in which you have failed to live up to the legend that I and my associates have created for you to live up to. But since this is your day, I will spare you such a stern scolding.

Allow me to be the 1st to welcome you to the real world. I must warn you, it is a world filled with all forms of idiots, failures, and morons. As graduates of this institution, you will be the beacon of hope and truth among these pitiful beings. I'll put it to you like this, think of yourself as a Hoser among a mass group of common Mainer failures.

You have had four years to prepare for this epic struggle of good vs stupid, or if your name rhymes with Gib or Yacobson, you've had something along the lines of a quarter century to get ready for it. I assume and hope each and everyone of you have spent this time having as much as fun as humanly possible, for this world that awaits will be full of dullards and fools whose goal in life is to sap the life out of you with mindless banter. Understand, these people are merely jealous of the greatness you have achieved with your graduation from UNH.

In your time in this little town, you have been in the presence of true greatness, namely us Hosers. Please remember a few of the lessons we have taught you over the years.

Tolerance: As I've stated before, the real world is chock-full of pathetic souls whose empty lives are completely laughable. Some of these sad fools will live in the delusion that they are somehow better than you because their mommy and daddy have footed the bill for everything in their lives and believe that their greasy hair and scummy behavior make them appear to be decent people...These people are commonly called, BC fans. Understand, their pitiful attempts at acting superior are merely acts of compensation for their clear inferiority to you. If you encounter such folk, tolerate them by reminding them that their place in life is best found playing in traffic and nothing says tolerance better than a firm backhand upside their head. In terms of tolerance for folk such as Mainers, well since you all have been cleaning your arse with the equivalent of UMaine diploma all your life, its unlikely you'll have to tolerate Mainers in the future, unless you happen to become a parole officer.

Integrity: If you want an example of why integrity is so important in life, consider the story or UMaine Hockey and how Karma caught up to them in various ways.

Perseverance: Greatness is not obtained overnight (unless you've purchased the all new "Hobey Fornataro keys to greatness and otherwise scoring with a Patriots Cheerleader/SI Swimsuit Model DVD."). There will be days where the idiots of the world will get you down about life. But when situations like that occur, please remember what us Hosers have taught you over the years. Think of what Smokey McHoser might do in such situations (besides have a cigarette or Niccodog).

Intelligence: You know your smarter than everyone, that piece of paper UNH will mail you along with your complementary autographed 8x10 of the Kazoo Hosers, proves it to be true. So act like it.

And finally, the last lesson we can teach you, is to remember: Remember where you came from and those that were there along the way. Remember that you are among the few the proud and the proud. The University of New Hampshire graduates. And let's face it, its not like those elitist dirtbags from BC are going to contribute much to society other than white collar crimes and general douchebaggery. So, the responsibility of saving the world's sanity is on you and all those UNH alums before you.

In closing, I must say..No Darci, that is NOT how that master's degree hood is supposed to be worn dammit! Otherwise, I remind you that this world is yours for the taking, and no matter where you go in it, there will always be a place for you here at UNH, as long as its not in my seat at the Whitt."

Ya.....drink it all in. Congratulations class of 2008. Until next time, Good night Canada, and of course as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Hosers Almanac:5/10: No more beachballs at the Beancan U and The greatest thing to happen to ESPN since Melrose

2008-05-10T13:44:00.004-04:00

Quote of the week:
Do you like watching James vanriemsdyk play hockey? He was unappreciated by pro scouts during his early days at CBA , but when he cracked the U18 Lineup, he really came onto his own, both offensively and defensively. His puck passing had a clear crisp feel, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gave his game a big boost. He's been compared to Bill Guerin , but I think James has a far much better offensive sense, and ability to use the body jousting for position near the net. In 2007, James Van Riemsdyk scored this goal* at BU, his most accomplished goal. This was his undisputed best dangle of the year, a goal so sick most people probably didn't pay attention to his great play leading up to the dandle. But they should because its not just about making your former teammate look like an idiot, and the importance of stick handling, its also a personal statement about who influences Vanriemsdyk in years past.

-Philosopher and Scientologist, Jaromir Yacobson

Back again ladies and Hosers to guide you through all the mysteries that is modern life. We begin with some recent headlines in the world.

-It was announced earlier in the week that now legendary Beancan U sieve, Brett Bennet would not return to the team next season. In memoriam of his departure, Beancan U will hold on ice ceremony on opening night next season that will include a 21 Beachball salute. Not only does this beautifully and accurately depict his contributions to the team, but ironically, 21 was his final goals against average with the team.

-Also leaving their team this offseason, The Gerbe Baby announced that he would be signing a three-year deal with the Buffalo Sabres. While the news of this signing is not all that shocking considering his dominance during the Frozen Four this year, the only shocking fact in this story is that the Sabres did away with their long standing rule of "You must be this tall to sign" in order to acquire him.

Sign that the world could finally be moving in the right direction
The legend that is Don Cherry will be joining the Man with the Golden Mullet better known as Barry Melrose on ESPN

Another reason to consider moving to Canada:
PA Senator Arlen Specter continues to actively question the NFL's handling of the "Spygate" controversy. Specter continues to demand to see the tapes handed over to the NFL by former video assistant Matt Walsh, but he has since be unable to as several nearby delivery and trucking services have gone under as a result of high gas prices sending them into bankruptcy. When asked of this dilemma, Specter asked "Since when does the economy and the well being of the people that elected me have anything to do with being a senator in the US Government? I'm trying to govern a sport I have no jurisdiction over!"

Poster boy of the Week:
Today, we salute you Roger Clemens. You continue to set the bar for all professional athletes in the world who aspire to create their own public relations nightmare amid rampant steroid allegations while still having time to get frisky with a 15 year old girl all the while effectively torpedo-ing any chance of the hall of fame. You are an inspiration to all the Keith Johnson's of the world. We all know you didn't buy those Hannah Montana tapes for your kids.

Weekly shot at the State of Maine (aka the Abortion God wish he had)

-Only a Mainer would consider a program from the Kentucky Derby to be the equivalent of Hustler

That's all for this week ladies and Hosers, until next time, remember to always remind your local BC Douchebag that they too can make the world a better place if they just go outside and play in traffic.

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Still trying to capture the spirit of the thing: Top 10 Moments of 2007-2008

2008-04-26T12:21:00.002-04:00

Quote of the week:
"some advice: when its late at night.... take the stairs"
-Mike Radja

And the postseason honors keep on coming Ladies and Hosers. Welcome to the 07-08 edition of the annual laundry list of madness. We absolutely guarantee that at least 50% of these moments of true genius may have been under the influence of alcohol. Lets get started

10. Hockey East Opener vs BU
Hockey East, meet James vanRiemsdyk. James vanRiemsdyk, Hockey East. He will be making you look foolish from time to time.

9. CC Weekend: Another team from Colorado comes to New England, and fails.
-I always thought playing against a team from the Rockies would be a little more..ya know rocky...John Denver really is full of shit

8. The Whiteout of the Whiteout: Success in spite of people who are not Hosers getting to the doors, Snoooowwww, ESPN, and the general foul stench of Mainers.
-The very least ESPN could've done to make it up to your heroes was to send Barry Melrose to the game. Really, everyone knows the Mullet gives him the power of flight so it's not like he needed a ride.

7. 07-08 Frozen Four: NoDak lays a Rocky Mountain Oyster and punishing the Cornell fan's liver.
-The Good Guys in Blue weren't there, but at least we got a laugh out of the sad failures that are Rockies fans who unknowingly were admitting their own futility to the Hosers of Red Sox Nation, and we at least made a Cornell fan feel our pain one force fed beer resulting from the single greatest game of Quarters ever played. And now we have evidence that there are in fact at least 5 jersey wearing Merrimack fans.

6. In Matthews Arena, only the Hosers seem to get IT.
-IT was the only really normal night in this season's series with the NUtered Huskies. After this night, IT went kinda backwards. But like every year, IT all went to hell for the NUtered ones. And for the record, this night did not have any tequila involved in IT.

5. Hosers in the middle of nowhere NoDak: We seriously have got to go the Volpe after this rink?!?
-Fine leather seats, marble floors, million dollar scoreboards, nazi undertones, laser shows, offensive nicknames, and NCAA lawsuits, just as Ralph Engelstead intended. Also, has anyone seen Darci's hat?

4. Lighting up the Dick Umile Scoreboard: Another night of greatness on Comm Ave.
Several of us Hosers were beginning to think it was Summer with all those beachball goals Bennet has become famous for. And Beancan U didn't even have the Beanpot to make them feel better this time around.

3. "Go BC Diving!": Actual message on the Conte Scoreboard during the clinching weekend vs BC
-What we learned from this weekend: BC douchebags constantly walking back and forth in front of you is their way of taunting. BC is going Emo. There are some 8x10's the Gerbe Baby wont autograph no matter how nicely you may ask. And repeating as regular season champs is a good thing.

2. Visiting the Alfond: Does Darci have to slap a Mainer?
Ben Bitch-op still seems to have recurring nightmares about Trevor Smith, so he decided that maybe passing Radja the puck and allowing him the open net was the 1st step towards healing. Though, not all our hopes were realized despite the nail-in-the coffin sweep on the Mainers. We did kinda hope the Mainers having a joke of a season would kinda force them to drastic measures to change their luck. Like taking a shower, dental care, or laying off watching Kentucky Derby highlights (or as they prefer to call it, Orono Porno). And Smokey McHoser finds the perfect Teddy Bear for every Mainer.

1. It's official, the Mainers are doomed for many many more years to come. The Hoser Child of the Future has arrived.
Nick and Erinn are now the proud parent's of a baby girl, and photos of the child are becoming more sought after than any photo of Brad and Angelina's weekly adoption. Neither Nick or Erinn would admit to it, but we already know the Hoser Child is already bench-pressing an ambulance.

That's all for now minions, stay tuned for further instructions, until next time, Goodnight Canada, and of course, as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Post #100 and the 07-08 Royal Flush-ed Awards

2008-03-25T11:48:00.008-04:00

Quote of the Week:
"You can't take my cherry!"
-Darci to Shrader

Another season comes to an end ladies and hosers. Let us take a moment to offer congratulations to BC who brought the National Championship back to the East this past weekend at the Frozen Four. Now that we've offered our respectful congratulations, let us now speak our minds freely:

Unfortunately, the season ended with the all too familiar "wait till next year" for the Good Guys in Blue. However, this years team did not depart without racking up plenty of individual awards such as a record 4 All Americans. And the season cannot be considered completely done without the annual Hoser Nation Royal Flusher Awards being handed. These prestigious dishonors are handed to the teams, individuals, and general morons who proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are true nuggets of failure that just need to get flushed. So let the Flushing Begin!!Tom Mutch Memorial Coach of the Year Royal Flushed Award: TIMMAY!!
From taking the back door to a Frozen Four, to being Four over par by mid February! Mr. Whitehead introduced the Mainers to a whole new tradition at the Orono Correctional Facility like getting swept at the Volpe, getting regularly embarrassed on your home ice to just about anyone, and not making the playoffs.

Runner Up: Blaise-d MacDonald: For those that skill think Low-ell is all about stabbings, don't forget that Blaise-d has an MBA in DUI.

Pottymouth Fanbase of the Year: MVU Cat-A-Fraud Student Section
It takes a lot to topple perennial loser fanbase Um-Ass in lack of class, but the dirty hippies managed to do it. Many speculate that the Stoner's deep seeded anger towards us is a result of somebody putting the wrong kind of teabags in their drinks this year. The general fanbase distanced themselves further from them than Steve Bartman distances himself from the City of Chicago.

Runners Up:Tie, Um-Ass/Mainers: Still UMassy, Still no classy. Frankly I don't understand why the Mainers were so bitter towards your heroes during our annual trip to the Orono Correctional Facility, It was really the only time this season they got to see a real winner in that crap tank.

The Crying Wilcox Memorial Sieve of the Year Award: Ben Bitch-op
The highlights of his final season with the Mainers were getting an assist on a Mike Radja goal and leaving Maine for good. Of course its still all Trevor Smith's fault.

Runner Up: Paul Dainton: Wanna hear a joke? Paul Dainton and Um-Ass in the Quarterfinals. That was almost as funny as a Mainer claiming that Walsh never cheated

LVP (Least Valuable Player): "Beachball" Brett Bennet
Even those among the Beancan U faithful know it to be true!

Runner up: Brett Bennet had himself such an awful year, that not only could no one even approach him in useless-ness to be considered a runner up, but he even made Jackie Parker consider ending his long-standing grudge with the Grim Reaper.

The W.D.Y.E.B (Why did you even bother) Team of the Year: The Mainers
When you say Maine Black Bears, You said 9th place nobodies!!

Runners Up: Um-Ass: When your fighting with the winner of this award and Merri-Mat for the last playoff spot in Hockey East after being 5th in the nation earlier in the year....You know its been a rough season.

There are so many other sad fools and failures that deserve mentioning among these dishonorable discharges of society, but not enough time. Next time around we go from the hopeless to pure greatness with the Annual Top 10 moments of the Season countdown. Until next time ladies and Hosers, I leave you with one final message: Tide is the official laundry product of Hoser Nation and as you can see here, it can truly work wonders:

MUCK FONTREAL!!!!!! GO B'S GO!!!!

Good day, eh!

Rouge

We're Shipping up to Boston and put us Down for Duluth too

2008-03-17T18:29:00.009-04:00

Quote of the Week:
"Darci's melons are small, but they are juicy"
-Capt Hoser

Another weekend, another slate of games ladies and Hosers. Of course this was a playoff slate that involved the possibility of up to 4 games in 3 days. We had the Good Guys in Blue taking on the Mass-Trash of Um-Ass in the Hockey East Quarterfinals. Saturday, on top of game 2 of the quarters, the Women of the Whitt took on SLU(t) in the NCAA Regionals.

Implications much?

HE Quarterfinals (Fri and sat)

The Godfather Hoser brought up an interesting memory on Saturday night. Remember when Um-Ass was actually ranked #5 in the nation? I remember an Um-Ass "fan" base that seemed excited with all sorts of moronic and class-less ripoffs and other moments of ignorance. Well lets return to the present-day. Um-Ass fans are still classless morons with no hope, but now their team has none either.

Another question to ponder: Does Um-Ass know...The Muffin Man? Well about 5 goals later, I'd say Dainton will forever be promptly terrified at the site of Jerry Pollastrone from here on out. And while they are living in dread of the paralyzing Muffin Shot, they will additionally dread Dan Dries and the Curls of certain doom and destruction.

Traditionally, Hoser Nation are among the few who stick around for the quarterfinals as much of the Durham population make haste for Spring Break. But one individual made his presence felt and then some this weekend. One drunken fan who probably missed his flight to Florida due to the aforementioned drunkenness bravely made his voice heard in support of the Good Guys in Blue (and denounce Dainton's mother a few times). For that, we in Hoser Nation award him with the one prize most of those from Frat Row crave the most.

Captain Hobey proved once and for all that despite anything the NCAA says or does, The Hobey Hat Trick can in fact happen more than once a year.

It should also be noted that Godfather Hoser has yet to serve the penalty assessed to him by Gravel. To Gravel's credit though, he did record himself one tally in the battle against officiating blindness.

Meanwhile up in SnOrono, The State of Maine is still wondering just how to treat the Boobgate scandal involving Mainer failure, Tanner House. We here at Hoser Nation suggest a punishment that will make this early off season for the latest UMaine deviant, a living hell. Tanner House is now officially banned from every titty bar in North America.

The final results of the latest Lake Whittemore Quarterfinals Massacre:

UNH 11

Um-Ass-3

As they say in WAaammherst: OHHHH SEEE YA MASSHOLES!
The Good Guys in Blue are once again Shipping up to Boston, and your heroes will be there as always to make our presence felt, and one Hoser moment at a time, make Boston, a little more unfit for BC Douchebags. Autograph sessions are to be held between games for those who seek our enlightenment, copies of "The Hosers Sing Their Hits" and "Dance Dance Hoser Revolution" will be on sale as well.

NCAA Women's Regional: Sat

With a little bit of revenge on their minds, The Women of the Whitt took on SLU(t) and the sieve with the name no one can get enough out of taunting.

From the start it seemed that the road to Duluth was not paved entirely by the efforts by two teams battling each other. It was in fact paved by a battle between two teams, and their battle by a crew of completely incompetent officials. Petey Silva and his crew of equally lost zebra linesmen made themselves more of a factor in this game than the two teams competing! Let us give you an idea of the kind've behavior that is now legal in Women's Hockey according to Petey Silva.
Tripping, such as this, now legal according to Silva

Holding, like this, sure why not says Silva et al

Sam Faber's Flying Body Check of Rage (dramatic reenactment)..A-OK by Silva

Hoser Nation was none too pleased with this clear and present disregard for common sense in officiating. Obviously, this was nothing more than an evil plot conceived by Free Masons in their attempt to undermine our greatness. And so these official's punishment will be having their car stolen by the UMaine football team followed by the standard issue afternoon dressed as a horse while locked in the stockades in the Orono town square.

Despite the officials going Hellen Keller on us, The Women of the Whitt would not be denied their chance at glory. They found themselves trailing at various parts of the game but refused to surrender. With less than 7 min to go in the game, the Cats knotted the game up and sent the townfolk into a frenzy.

And as for Guckian...well she heard a lot of GUCKIAN! from there on out.

Onto the overtime. We all remember the facemask save vs Cornell by the legendary Mike Ayers that we refuse to let Cornell forget about. Well now we can remind SLU(t) about the Sadie Wright-Ward literally "rearing" the Women to an OT victory and onto the Frozen Four!

Few weekends can match the amount of success your heroes witnesses this past weekend...However, this coming weekend could easily trump it. The Women take on the Bulldog Faced Women from Minn-Duluth in Game 1 of the 08 Women's Frozen Four, and the Good Guys in Blue take on the Silver Spoon Suckers from Newton in the 1st game of the Hockey East Semi-Finals. Hoser Nation will be present at both events. See you all this weekend on Causeway St, Goodnight Canada, and of course as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Dazed and Confused with the Cat-A-Frauds

2008-03-09T12:18:00.005-04:00

Quote of the Week:
"You need to hang out more with older people"

-Ankur on Darci's on-going status as sole care-giver to all the children of Strafford

So we've reached that all too bittersweet point in the season ladies and Hosers. The final weekend of the regular season where we honor our departing seniors, look towards the playoffs, and give the Mainers even more shit for being inbred failures that will find themselves on probation for equestrian date-rape more than a few times in life. This weekend, the Good Guys in Blue had to face a different kind've failure. The EZAC castoff Bong Blazing and Hazing MVU Cat-A-Frauds were in town, so naturally there was a campus wide warning out about being wary of strange brownies being left around Lake Whitt.

Wait who is that emerging through the fog in the distance? It's an OT Hoser and Grandpa Hoser who has himself found his way through the fog of his tequila induced Alzheimer's! More suggestions are being taken for the name of the Hoser-Child of the Future (despite Erinn having much better ideas in mind) Leading Candidates include: Hobey, Vladislav Hoser, Jose Cuervo II, Schwartzbauer, Roboshark, and my personal favorite Jean-Guy Chevais III.

On to game 1:

Doc Hoser got the chance to observe one of the most reknowned traditions in Cat-A-Fraud lore. The standard MVU warmup run. While he was unable to catch a photograph of this trot around the concourse, his description of the event has resulted in this artist's rendering and really no one should be surprised by it.

In a show of complete defiance to MVU traditions, the perpetual frosh better known as Bob Butler struck not once, but twice against the Stoner Sieve, causing Fallon to go into a reefer freak-out.

Meanwhile elsewhere in Hockey East, while the Good Guys in Blue and Beancan U have their spots in the postseason locked up, several teams were fighting for their hopeless playoff lives. Sadly I must report that even after a season of slight hope, Merri-mat season was declared dead as of 9:23pm. Cause of death was determined to be Merri-Mat being Merri-Mat. Elsewhere, the Mainers were revived after briefly flatlining vs the River Pigeons. At this point, they are on life support with a extremely long line of people wanting to pull the plug on them.

Back at the Lake, just when it seemed the Cat-A-Frauds had themselves a moment of hope, Mr. Leblanc brought them down faster than a joint of extra strength hash. Also of note, during the course of the game, Smokey McHoser was not the only one irked about the extinction of the smoking doors at Lake Whittemore. The MVU failures that made the journey were equally upset that smoking wont be an option come next season. One Cat-A-Fraud was quoted saying: "We went to all this trouble getting these UVM diplomas and now we can't even smoke them? That's repression man!"

Onto Senior Night:

Here we salute the class of 2008: Stuart Fricke, Crag Switzer, Brad Flashains, Mike Radja, Kevin Regan, and of course Matt "Just give me the Hobey cause my girlfriend is a Patriots Cheerleader and SI Swimsuit model and yours isn't" Fornataro. Also honored were OT and Grandpa Hoser who got themselves another round of gifts for the Hoser Child of the Future. And in a rare moment, Darci surrendered the throne....or something like it to OT Hoser for the evening.

Wanna know a fast way to kill a decent buzz in the crowd? Get into a situation where there is a delayed call against the other team, and then make a centering pass that ends up going the length of the ice towards your own empty net...and watch it hit the post.

There was a surprising number of MVU Reefers around Lake Whittemore this time around, some speculate this is because they figured they could stay down here a couple days and grow a new stash while the rain washes away all the snow. Some believe the goofy stoners showed up thinking they were in time for the Ziggy Marley show.....from 4 years ago. But time tends to fly by when your higher than Mount Washington of course

Despite some impressive efforts by honored seniors Mr. Radja, Regan, and Hobey Fornataro, MVU earned themselves a successful night at Lake Whittemore. But despite the loss, Hoser Nation had a reason to celebrate. For word had reached the masses about results from across the league, and not long afterwards, the stone-masons of New Hampshire outdid themselves with this masterpiece of masterpieces.In their own pitiful words:

HEY MAINERS! YOU'RE OUT OF HERE!!!!

So, now that the trash has been taken out. The real games begin. The Good Guys in Blue open the Hockey East Playoffs against our old friends from WAaaaammherst. Stay tuned for more playoff related fun this week. See you all friday, Good night Canada, and of course, as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Brokeback Coll takes the dive

2008-02-24T14:43:00.006-05:00

Quote of the Week: (From the Whiteboard)
"That was my 1st dive ever-Gerbe
Jesuits shouldn't lie!"

GOOD GUYS CLINCH REGULAR SEASON TITLE

THE "FOG" COULDN'T SAVE BROKEBACK COLL DIVING/HOCKEY AT CLUB CONTE

THEN THEY TOOK A NOSE-DIVE OF A BEATING AT LAKE WHITTEMORE

Yes Ladies and Hosers, the Good Guys in Blue took that all important 1st step by sealing their second consecutive (7th Overall) regular season championship by beating down the Silver-Spoon Suckers from Newton like a Metrosexual at a biker bar in Laconia. Here we go with the recap of your hero's latest adventures in crossing paths with douchebags.

Friday @ Club Conte

-Club Conte is known for it's never ending techno music, the loss-dodging fog, and high prevalence of common BC Douchebaggery by their greasy-haired fanbase. However, the techno music was limited this time around, as your heroes heard more of Linkin Park, Disturbed, and Metallica than their traditional rave music. It appears BC has become more sullen and dark as of late and have thus become more Emo. Scholars have dubbed this change in BC's behavior as "The Abdelkader Effect"

-"Ya well your 35 and at a hockey game!"-Random chick to the Godfather. It should also be noted, that this particular individual and her two friends decided it would be a good idea to constantly migrate from the seat to seat and do so by walking in front of us...That's strategy for ya. Also, it was noted that while the two females that took part in this constant movement were obviously devoid of any real intelligence, they were quite attractive. However, the male in this trio not only looked like the kid caddy from Happy Gilmore (as pointed out by Godfather Hoser), but he was your typical BC male..A complete tool. In light of this, I feel the need to re-issue this PSA to further the importance of people being smart about not associating themselves with such BC failures.

-At most Jesuit universities, they preach that Jesus saves..Unfortunately for BC, John Boy Muse couldn't stop that blast from the point by Mr. Flashains, meanwhile Mr. Regan saved all thrown his way.

-Dear BC, your campus is NOT in Boston, It is in Newton. STOP RUINING A PERFECTLY GOOD DROPKICK MURPHY'S SONG WITH YOUR LIES ABOUT YOUR GEOGRAPHIC LOCATION IN THE WORLD!

-Apparently now you can text message a cheer to be shown on the video screen at Club Conte, here's a couple of samples: "Kevin Regan Rules" and my personal favorite "GO BC DIVING!"

And now, for the Jaromir Jacobson Moment of Wisdom for the Week:

"My buddy lives down in Florida, and the other day he took his daughter to go swimming at the beach. It was about 80 degrees. You just can't do that up here in February cause she'll die. In Florida it's cute and fun. Up here, it's murder, then you end up in jail and become someone's bitch."

Saturday @ Lake Whittemore

-Unfortunately, Lake Whittemore found itself polluted with the grease and stench of wine cooler that are the BC Superfrauds. I think Darci said it best: "Who the hell thought a urine colored t-shirt was a good idea?"

-I would like to take this opportunity to stump for the newly christened "FREE SMOKEY FOUNDATION". It has come to my attention that UNH wants to do away with the smoking doors thus not allowing patrons to re-enter the building after going outside for a smoke. I ask UNH to consider the following while making this decision. The only people that might be bothered by these doors, are the visiting fans who are stationed in that area, and most of them just don't count as real people anyway. And, do you really want to have Smokey go into a nicotine craving fit as a result of you taking the smoking area option away? Think of Maggie Joyce with pent-up rage in heavy traffic on the highway, and you get an idea of what Smokey could be like in a smoke-free situation....Think about it.

-Some Flyers fans made their presence felt in support of Reemer. Not only did they see Reemer get a beauty of a goal, but they were treated to something that is just never seen in Philly these days...The hometeam winning.

-While we do call our building Lake Whittemore, it didn't give BC the right to dive every which way across the ice.

-Mr. Dries had himself a productive evening with 2 goals, one of them being Ovechkin-esque in nature....It's got to be the hair.

-And now we examine the weekend of BC's so-called Hobey candidate better known as the Gerbe Baby. 2 Important Games: NO goals, NO Assists, plenty of unsuccessful dive attempts, and he apparently had a temper tantrum in the locker room hallways when Aiello didn't want to change his diaper (which was a shocking fact on it's own).

-Meanwhile, Merri-mat had themselves a good weekend against Proviced (sorry Jon), so much so, we here at Hoser Nation cooked up a new look for them in honor of them getting out of the cellar thus kicking the Mainers down those cellar stairs even if for a moment.

-Finally, Captain Hobey Fornataro put the final tally home to send the Metrosexual failures back to Newton with their man-purses in tow for a long night of tear-filled wine coolers, no cuddle time from the Gerbe baby for the collar-popping trust-fund boys, and probably more games filled with emo music.

Congrats on another Regular Season title to everyone involved; coaches, players, trainers, staff, and our fellow fans. Still plenty of work to be done though. See you all Friday for a night with Merri-mat at Lake Whittemore. Remember to Keep your heads held high, and your collars down. Goodnight Canada, and of course as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Uh, oh! Spaghettios! Uh, oh! down goes maine!

2008-02-10T18:42:00.003-05:00

Quote of the Week:

"Mike Radja 3
Maine 2"

SORRY MAINERS, RADJA OWN YOU NOW

Good Guys in Blue Conqueor SnOrono

Welcome back ladies and Hosers. Theres one weekend a year where your heroes are kind enough to pay a visit to a place in the world that is completely devoid of any intelligence or decency. This place is of course, the bottomless pitt for the scum of the Earth better known as Orono, Maine. For one weekend a year, we make the journey to the trailer-trash townhouse (aka Alfond Arena) and do our part to remind these sad and sorry fools of the running joke that is their pitiful lives. Heres some of the sights and sounds from a weekend with the Mainers.

-In game 1 of the weekend tilt, the good guys were down in the 1st, but of course Mike "Black Bear Slayer" Radja changed that at a speed that almost matched the average duration of a Waammherst Masshole trying to get lucky.

-Yours truly had the burden of attempting to get to Orono late and through some occassionally difficult traveling conditions. Upon further review of my dangerous trek of battling the elements, Mainers and the occassional Masshole behind the wheel, I conclude that all Hoser vehicles should be equipped with Zamboni tires.

-We are all aware that Mainers tend to have their own standards in the realm of acceptable attire and style. But Doc Hoser uncovered this true rare gem of a photograph. This is a prime example of the wildly popular Fem-Mullet that is fast becoming the latest hairstyle for the inbred and those of an undetermined gender. Also of note is his/hers jersey, which is among the newest style among Orono failures. The new Nike/Bauer Umaine "Deviants series" celebrates their illustrious tradition of fighting the law, and losing to it. Here we have the latest editions in this new line of Mainer attire

- Godfather Hoser found himself playing a much more visibly effective role than usual this weekend. Whenever Benji Bitch-op found himself at the Hoser's end of the ice, the big blue sieve was constantly looking over his shoulder at the Godfather. With his #23 jersey of the Former Mayor of Durham, it became apparent Bitch-op was having flashbacks to the night he was struck down on Lake Whittemore. Naturally, Godfather quickly took the role of "Scare-Smith" and reveled in the stink of the Sieve's fear....Or maybe that was just the smell of taint from their Violation laden banners.

-In past visits, most Mainers around us have somewhat cordial and have welcomed our awe-inspiring presence. This year we were surrounded by bitter old fogeys, community college dropouts, and future Burger King employees. Some were actually brazen enough to challenge us to fisticuffs! Normally we would gladly oblige them, but what fun could possibly be had in knocking other people's teeth out when they never had any to begin with. Still, I find myself completely baffled at just how bitter these sad fools really were. Could it be that they are jealous of our ability to date people outside the family tree? Our preference to date actual human beings and not equine? Our well-cared for pearly whites? or maybe it's because our team isnt built upon a foundation of cheating and lying? Then again, it's probably just because they all suck at life while we dont.

-DOWN GOES BITCH-OP AGAIN!!!!! DOWN GOES BITCH-OP!! Mr. Dries paid homage to the former Mayor by making the big blue sieve relive the most traumatic moment in his miserable life (besides the moment where he chokes in the frozen four to Mich St, and how they got eliminated in Wammherst, and I guess you can add the moment where he hands the puck and empty net goal to Radja later in this very game). Meanwhile, Godfather laughs a sinister laugh in his Mayor jersey.

-Regan....ya, he owns the scum of the Earth too.

-Mainers:"We got 2, how bout you!

Hosers: "WE GOT 4! CANT YOU READ THE SCORE?"

-I truly believe Darci could've knocked out that one ass-clown mainer who thought our support of the Good Guys in Blue waranted him contemplating punching the mighty hosers. Speaking of which, her longstanding feud with Banannas the Black Bear goes on with no resolution in sight..Odds of the anticipated "strip off" contest between the two actually happening....Are slim to none.

-Im sorry to report that most of the Mainers in attendance were apparently suffering from some form of severe brain damage (moreso than the usual damage that is inherent to Mainers). While they constantly tried to remind the Hosers of how they made it to the Frozen Four, they seemed to forget how they wound up failing miserably there. But of course, im sure the only thing they remember were the clydesdales.

-Despite all the negavity directed towards your heroes, we once again proved we were the better group in this trailer park of a rink. We promised to send the Mainers a postcard from Boston in March.

-In short, WHEN YOU SAY MAINE BLACK BEARS!!! YOU SAID NINTH PLACE!!!!!

With the foul Mainers vanquised and kicked to the curb, we were given the ultimate reward for our weekend efforts...Being able to go back to New Hampshire and not having to be back in SnOrono till next season.

Thats all for now ladies and Hosers. Be back next week with a recap of the weekend with the Goons from Proviced. Practice your Provi-dancing, Good night Canada, and of course, as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Gutting the Gutt while the Bostonians fight over a Beancan

2008-02-05T21:03:00.000-05:00

Quote of the week

"I shouldn't swallow and try to listen at the same time"

-OT Hoser

Back again Ladies and Hosers, here to try and ease those post Super-Bowl blues. And there are few things in this world that can ease such sorrows than looking back on the most recent hoser excursion to the Happy Hazing grounds of the Cat-A-Frauds. Before we get started, be sure to check the Hobey Baker fan balloting site and cast a vote for the UNH representives (Regan, Flashains, and of course Hobey Fornataro himself).

Unfortunately, on the day of this continuation of the classic battle between the Good Guys in Blue and the Hemp Jersey Hippies, a rather unpleasant snow/ice storm reared it's ugly head. Smokey McHoser had planned to make the journey, but a combination of that perilous weather and that he found a promising lead to the secret recipe to Niccodogs kept him off the road. Meanwhile yours truly actually made an attempt to make the journey, however most roads were completely sheeted in ice, and Vermont state law prohibits the use of hockey skates as a mode of transportation on major roadways (yet they allow hazing and lighting the bong, double standard much?) Doc Hoser......He has CSTV...so he sucks.

So it was down to the Godfather and the Queen to represent the Hosers, exact details of their trek have yet to be confirmed, but one can assume it went something like this. The Hoser Express brokedown, and Godfather was forced to venture into the wilderness, capture a pack of wolves, tame and train them to be sled dogs and mushed them all the way to Burlington....

Darci slept through the whole thing.

What they didnt sleep through was one of the most shocking discovery in recent memory. They discovered a fanbase that has even less class than the Massholes of Waaammherst. And they also happen to be the 1st real live population of Angry potsmokers! The Cat-A-Frauds have catapulted (no pun intended...seriously) themselves into the lead for the 08 "Horse's Ass Award" for classless fan base. With such classic and original lines like "Fuck NH", "Fuck Regan" and who can forget "Regan has Herpes". Yes the MVU Cat-A-Fraud student section, smoked so retarded, we here at Hoser Nation salute them with another classic piece of Motivational art

-Mr. Butler once again took a shot at the anti frosh mentality of the Cat-A-Frauds by striking 1st. Speaking of 1st strikes, Mr. Manz and Mr. Sislo are to be congratulated for their 1st tallies of their careers.

-Apparently it has become a custom at MVU for male students to flash their nipple at the opposition whenever they score. One has to wonder if this tradition was born from a BC douchebag transfer who traded his wine coolers for the bong.

-Memo to MVU Non-Student fans: Yes, we understand that it's only the student section that are the classless morons in the building, the seventeen or so remarks you made trying to clarify such are more than sufficient, you successfully distanced your self from the students, you no longer need to waste our valuable time trying to beg for forgiveness and being spared our wrath.

-So much for MVU being the best state school in the region, but I guess they wouldn't have that problem if UNH had bothered to bring more canadian players, fans, scorekeepers, and zamboni drivers into their midst.

-Hobey Fornataro once again proved that the only thing better than pissing off the badmouth bong-suckers by scoring on them, is pissing off the badmouth bong suckers by scoring on them TWICE.

Another night, another drubbing of the Cat-A-Frauds at the Gutt. Now on to that whimsical time of the year where we make our annual trip to the bottomless pitt of hopelessness and failure better know as Orono. Post on that will be up soon. Goodnight Canada, and of course as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Hoser Nation loves that dirty water

2008-01-27T16:45:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Week:

"C'mon! I dyed my pubes blue for nothing?!?"
-Gangster Hoser

Welcome back to the madness ladies and Hosers. It's that time of the year where league play starts to pick up, and we all know that means we get to entertain the group whose very existance revolves around a tin can trophy that means absolutely nothing to everyone outside of Suffolk County. That's right, it's time to welcome Beancan U to town!

-Also in town were the Foreign Diplomats of Hoser Nation (yes, we are considering Detriot to be foreign enough, Chad). During the offseason, Hooligan Hoser presented his case to the British House of Commons to invade the state of Maine. But not with the typical military force, but with one of the most terrifying forces known to man....2 full stadiums worth of english football hooligans!!! He also made it an official law that all Mainers seen visiting the UK are to be greeted with a rousing "PISS OFF YOU HORSE-SCREWING WANKERS!!!!", followed by a boot to the face and a leg drop. Our Vancouver Hoser also made it legal for any true canuck to go upside a Mainer's head with a totem pole.

-Friday night at Lake Whittemore, there was supposed to be a scheduled "Blue Out" that would include the use of the evil devices better known as thunderstix. While the members of Hoser Nation did abide by this request....The team apparently did not get the memo. However, through our own means of advertising (aka white board), the thunderstix were somewhat silenced by the end of the game.

-In the long tradition of Beancan U sieves that can at least win them another meaningless beanpot....Theres this man whom we shall dub as "Beachball Bennet" as seen below.

-In another brilliant move by the braintrusts of Hockey East, both games in this home and home weekend between the Good Guys in Blue and Beancan U had themselves an all star cast of officials. Friday night had Pork Rinds Andrews gasping and weezing his gut across the ice. After a missed call that involved a high stick by the throat of Reemer, Coach Umilie clearly felt like ringing the throat of the overweight zebra...Unfortunately this ref was so fat he had no neck to ring. Saturday night was Old Man Parker's turn to go off on Tim "He Sucks, He blows, say hello to" Benedetto. We assume Benedetto as well as most other HE officials would listen to Parker a little more if they weren't terrified of Zombies.

-Tigers continue to haunt the Beancan U campus as Mr. Radja reeked havoc all across the arena much of the evening. Our honorary Hoser, Shrader continues to stalk the campus in search of the original tiger let loose by those BU players....He has had little success as he often finds himself sidetracked at various drinking establishments and has little time as he continues to analyze just went wrong during his now famous "Superman Shootout Dive" heard round the 07 Poster's Game.

-With the Foreign Dignitaries in the area, many roundtable discussions were held to discuss the State of Hoser Nation. Here are some of the things we agreed upon:

>Beer is a beautiful thing

>When BC plays Maine..The ideal situation is the scoreboard crashing to the ice, thus cancelling the game and neither team getting points

>Darci will remain queen because its been working fairly well, setting up elections is too much work and we wouldnt have enough cash for the traditional briberies and extortions, and frankly we wouldnt want to put an opposing candidate through the headache and trauma of running against her.

>Maine sucks

>BC sucks

>Northeastern's new theme song will now be "Free Falling"

-Once again, the Gerbe Baby and Ben Bitch-op continued their classic rivalry of Pint-Sized Punk and Oversized Sloth. Lets go to the video

-Recently found this weekend: The UNH powerplay! Turns out it was hanging out in Boston waiting to meet up with BeachBall Bennet.

-Congrats to Captan Hobey for hitting the 100 point mark the other night. Later that night, Grandpa Hoser was boasting that he had hit the century mark sooner than Hobey, unfortunately, the 100 point club is not the same as the 100 year old mark.

-As we speak, there are about a million English Hooligans invading Orono, headbutting anything thats toothless and appears to be inbred.

-Ho hum, Reemer strikes again as the Beancan U defense continues to need psychological counseling from their highlight reel burning at the hands of JVR.

-On this weekend, Mr Regan (Kevin, not Brain) was the only Bostonian that could call himself a real winner (the Sox are in the offseason, and the Super Bowl is still a week away).

-After drowning in the waters of Lake Whittemore, and once again falling at the AAAHarry AAAAgganis AAArena, BU officials have decided to embrace this new BU tradition, by renaming their home rink "The Hosers Own Us" Arena. The Dick Umile Scoreboard will remain in its awe inspiring high definition glory, but the ice surface will be renamed "The Kirk Manke Memorial Rink".

-In short, another weekend, another HE sweep!

That's all for now ladies and Hosers, stay tuned as we finally get to entertain the only school where "Hazing" and "Hemp Studies" are majors. Friday night, the road show continues when we meet up with the MVU Cat-A-Frauds. Safe travels and thanks to our international Hosers for making the trip this weekend. Goodnight Canada, and of course, as always

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Misadventures in Manch-Vegas: A weekend worth of memorable sayings and moments

2008-01-23T22:35:00.000-05:00

Quote of the week:

While Walking by a store with lingerie mannequins in the window

Rob: Hey There!

Jeff: Rob, they are plastic

Rob: Hey, that's not gonna stop me from drilling it home!

Well, ladies and Hosers, there are some nights that completely go your way, and there are others that are about as useless as a UMaine diploma (unless your going to wipe your ass with it, only real good use for that). Saturday evening, one of those bad nights reared it's fugly head, and it resulted in the Good Guys in Blue, having not such a good night vs the NH college that everyone forgets better known as Dartmouth. Lets get into some of the sights and sounds of it from the start.

-1st bad omen of the night: This is not the 1st time something like this has happened before, but USCHO Hockey East corespondent and Senior Writer Scott Weighart wrote the weekly column for the upcoming weekend in Hockey East. While normally these weekly posts are well done, this week's was a travesty and shameful act of defiance. With one obvious misuse of a certain goalie's name, Mr. Weighart gave us Brain Regan instead of Kevin Regan. In a futile act of contrition on his part, Mr. Weighart attempted to make amends to the Durham faithful by posting that UNH would win 22-1 in the Riverstone game(see here)......Well Mr.Weighart, I really have to ask...How stupid do you feel now? He has been declared a heretic in the court of Hoser Law, and his punishment shall be banishment into the deepest and darkest regions of Orono, while wearing a horse costume soiled in manure (aka Orono aphrodisiac).....That should keep him from making such errors again

-Meanwhile back at Lake Whittemore, the Women of the Whitt took on their goonish foes Proviced. But something far greater took place during this contest. Forget the Indy 500, forget Daytona, and hell, screw the Paris to Dakar rally, we now have The Great Lake Whittemore Chase to the Bench! This epic contest of athletic skill, intelligence, and pure courage pitted Proviced coach Bob Deraney and the official Mick Jagger stunt double better known as Gangsta Hoser. We have obtained footage of this epic marathon between two tremendous athletes, and it just doesn't get any more courageous than this:

Meanwhile in Proviced, OT Hoser and Grandpa Hoser found themselves the only bright light of hope among the sad and the sorry of the Coffin, and they encountered a truly sad and disturbed child. This poor mentally deprived child had this to say to a PC fan:
Young Maine fan to young PC fan: "UNH sucks."
PC fan to Maine fan: "Their better than Maine."
Maine fan to PC fan: "That doesn't take much, we're in last place."
Incredible, truly incredible. Some psychiatrists would diagnose this child as an obvious victim of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Some would think he could be a future sociopath, we here at Hoser Nation just sit back laugh and say "Uh Oh! He's from Maine!"

Back in Manch-Vegas, Hoser Nation had to endure the presence of not just one, but an entire team worth of little children who have probably been up for adoption every other year. While we Hosers are never one to mock children, as we are all respectable adults and are classier than that...Too bad those kid's parents didn't bother to teach them what class is...They were also clueless enough to not even remind them that their team name is spelled DARTMOUTH rather than DARTMOTH. While some went on a desperate search for Chris Benoit and his expertise in such parenting matters, the rest of us just couldn't help but snicker a little...We didn't have the heart to tell them that the Barney they hired for their next birthday party was in fact Keith Johnson.

Scott Weighart....You still suck.

Doc Hoser was right, we got more shots on goal than Dartmouth has real fans.

Another Riverstone game, another year with no appearance by Keggy....Sigh, however, in honor of the celebration and spiritual rejoicing in Smokey McHoser's day of birth, Dartmouth did send their best concessions customer a birthday cake made entirely of Nicco-dogs...Word is, Smokey is now considering becoming a genetic engineer so he can create Nicco-dog flavored smokes as well.

That's all for now ladies and Hosers, plug in those light brights and beware of Tigers not named Radja, cause Beancan U is next up on the docket. Goodnight Canada, and as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

No Class? You must be in the Mass Attack!

2008-01-16T18:08:00.000-05:00

Quote of the week:
"SCOREBOARD!"
-Um-ass fans to Hoser Nation representitives in attendance at the Dullards Center in Waaamherst....It was 3-2 UNH at this point in the game

Well Ladies and Hosers, as the saying goes, "Never underestimate stupid people in large numbers", and Um-ass fans certainly proved that their large number of moronic and mindlessly vulgar "fans" can in fact take stupidity to new levels! Lets recap a few of the bright and shiny moments of our weekend of our weekend with the "less than a" minutemen.

-While I was unable to make the journey to Waaamherst Friday night (I did watch on NESN), several Hoser Nation representatives did make the trek and had another evening of amusement at the expense of the Empty-headed Um-ass student body and fan base. One of the more bewildering moments of the evening occurred early in the game, and it was so blatantly idiotic and shameless, I even noticed it on television. While we all know the Um-ass fanbase and arena in general is completely devoid of any real soul or identity, Um-ass took it one step further by ripping off one of Brokeback College's moronic PK chant....And then butchered BU's rendition of "The Wheels on your House". Seriously Um-ass, everyone (even the Mainers) know you have no real identity at all, but if your going to rip off stuff, get it right, and pick something that might actually demonstrate intelligence.

To further demonstrate this clear gap in intelligence between the common Waaamherst Masshole, and the great NH Hoser, I provide you with these narratives. This is how a true blue Hoser is viewed...

And here we have how a common Masshole behaves

-Radja and Reemer certainly welcomed themselves back into Hockey East in an appropriate and game winning manner.

-I fully realize there's a greater chance of Mainers being awarded something for "Outstanding Citizenship" than an Um-ass fan showing real intelligence within an arena, but whatever.

-Speaking of the Mainers, it seems they are trying to take their current position in the Hockey East standings in stride..I imagine its kinda hard to do that when that last known living and admitted Merrimack fan has bragging rights on them now.

-Hoser Nation detectives recently uncovered the truth as to what exactly Hobey Fornataro said to HE Official Tim "He Sucks, He blows, say hello to" Benedetto. Sources indicate, that his Hobey-ness said something so mind blowing and reality altering, that Benedetto gave him the ridiculous infraction so that he could continue to live in other denial despite this Earth shattering revelation. Repeating it here, would only cause non-Hosers to go into seizures.

You know who else was in seizures (no not that NU goalie), the Um-Ass powerplay, the entire weekend. Mr. Regan denied them more times than a typical Um-Ass student gets rejected from every other school in Massachusetts (yes, even Lowell).

-NESN needs to get better Hockey Commentators, I submit to you this list of people they should consider for their new coverage team:

1. Robbie Barker-He already proved himself on NESN once before

2. Don Cherry- America needs more Grapes

3. Barry Melrose

4. Godfather Hoser- Why not?

5. Smokey-Like it wouldn't be a ratings grabber guaranteed to get the FCC's attention

6. Dick Osbourne (just promise him it isn't a sting)

If they can't do that, they should at least send Tina Cervasio to every UNH game.

After the game, unfortunately it seemed that another episode of monstrous traffic on the route back to civilization slowed the Hoser Nation contingent. Despite all best efforts, we were unable to have the Hoser-Copter, Air Tuque 1, or even the mighty Hinden-Hoser ready in time to assist the Hoser Express......Not that the Queen noticed as she once again was "post-game comatose".

On to Saturday.

All in Hoser Nation are certainly looking forward to Lake Whittemore crowds returning to normal come next week. I'm sure we've taught enough families and their children the meaning of terms like Sex, orgy, and Benedetto is a tool. Though these children should consider themselves fortunate, not too many people can honestly say they learned about Hockey, the Hoser-ism religion, and have an interpretive dance lesson all in one evening!

-It's official, before going to bed at night, Um-assers check their closet and under their bed for JVR, unfortunately for them, Maggie Joyce is there instead.

-In other related news, Um-Ass "fans" now have competition in the race for the famed "No Class Horse's Ass" Award. That 14 year old NH girl left the Indianapolis Dolts game as the only real winner in a stadium full of losers.

-After much deliberation, careful thought, and years worth of research, it is still completely impossible for even Momma Hoser to teach UM-Ass fans (not that she'd lower herself to that), even if she used a tire-iron as a teaching aid.

-Unfortunately for Um-Ass, the good guys in blue would not be performing an encore of their recent bout with SLU(t). Instead, we at Hoser Nation send them this message in honor of their defeat at the hands of the Hosers

The finals for the weekend, 3-2, and 5-3...All wins for the good guys, a very good weekend to get back on track in the never ending battle to stamp out indecent Mainer-esque behavior in the East.

That's all for now Hosers, see you in Manch-Vegas this weekend for the Riverstone game vs the Hanover, NH Learning Annex...Will Keggy finally make his Hoser Nation debut this time?!?!? Until then, Goodnight Canada, and as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Its never too late, to look ahead to headlines in 08

2008-01-08T21:04:00.000-05:00

Quote of the week:
Don't you like my Styrofoam breasts?
-Rob to Doug

Happy belated new year all, 2008 has gotten off to a so-so start for the good guys in blue, who settled for a 1-0 shutout vs Merri-matt at the rink that is not the Ralph, and of course the travashamockery of Sunday's loss to SLU(t). We wont get into the gory details.

Hoser Nation continued to out do themselves in the artistry of the perpetual inside joke and the overall greatness that no Primary could possibly overshadow. Now I realize I'm a little tardy in my new years related post and most other posts, but I think this could make up for it, I have donned the all knowing Swami Tuque and will now look into the future. These are just some of the headlines you can expect to hear about in this new year, into the future we peer! bwweeeeeeeooooooooppppppppp (yes this is what non-alcohol fueled time travel sounds like)

-NU finally gets over the hill at the Beanpot!
North-leastern will face Brokeback College in the final thus ending any chance of Beancan U fans feeling like their season wasn't a total loss. The NUtered Huskies will take a 3-0 lead into the 3rd period behind Thiessen's strong goaltending. The Doghouse is alive like never before and they can feel it coming. Unfortunately, the 3rd begins with a weird bounce going BC's way past the NUtered Sieve, making it 3-1. No sweat, right? Then Thiessen lets a softy go by him in classic Ben Bitch-op fashion. 3-2 and NU is rattled, two stupid penalties later, the Gerbe-baby ties the game. Brokeback College will shatter North-leastern's Beanpot dreams in OT. The loss sends the once promising season of the NUtered Huskies into a downward spiral. Hey I said they'd get over the hill, I never said they wouldn't fall backwards all the way back to the bottom before it was over.

-Hoser Nation wins celebrity dance competition!
Gangsta Hoser's world famous Mick Jagger moves land him on every major celebrity dance competition around! Rumors became rampant that he met Keith Richards backstage at one of these competitions and Keith mistakenly thought Doug was actually Mick himself. Its still unclear whether it was his uncanny dance moves, or the uncanny amount of drugs Keith was on, that led to this case of mistaken identity. Not to be outdone, Smokey McHoser turned this stirring rendition of his own in for the next season of "So you think you can dance?"

-Farewell TIMMAY!
Yes, it finally happens. The Mainers relationship with TIMMAY has been comparable to Ike and Tina Turner, and it will finally come to an end with the Mainers dismissing the embattled head coach despite 3 frozen four appearances. The University released Whitehead mostly as a result of his failure to meet his contractual obligation of commiting a certain number of NCAA Violations by his 6th year. The UMaine AD also noted that he was even more furious at how the players felt like they had to become criminals of all varieties just to preserve to UMaine tradition of deviance and wrongdoings.

-France surrenders.....to JVR
Reemer's offensive onslaught in the World Juniors frightened France President Sarkozy so much, he and the rest of France unconditionally surrendered to JVR not long after his return to the states.

-The FCC cracksdown on Um-Ass
After Um-Ass students went on one of their usual needless and moronic cursing and swearing rampages live on the 1st Friday Night Ice broadcast of the year, NESN was forced to go to a 20 min tape delay in order to censor their classless banter. The next game, The FCC sent federal officials to patrol the Um-Ass neanderthal err umm student section. By the end of the 1st period, Federal Officials had removed the entire section from the building. Mullins Center employees were upset stating: "I dont f%$}&ng know what their f%$}&ng problem is. The f%$}&ng students aren't f%$}&ng swearing that f%$}&ng much, I mean so they f%$}&ng swear and $#it to kids, so they f%$}&ng beat up a 70 year old man in a wheel chair just because he had a UNH hat on, big f%$}&ng deal. Yeah they threw a 6 year old cancer patient down the f%$}&ng stairs because her parents alums from the opposing school, so f%$}&ng what. Thats how we support the F#$^&}ng Mass Attack in WAmmmmherst!". Meanwhile on Comm Ave, Beancan U students are wondering "They thought we were bad?!?".

-Another Mainer will get arrested
Tanner House will find himself in trouble with the law again before the end of the season. He will be arrested for another charge of Sexual Assault. In his statement to the police, House will largely base his poor choice on how he got his dating tips from the likes of Keith Johnson and Tom Mutch.

-Hoser Nation becomes a fully recognized University organization
The Hosers have recently corrupted and influenced enough of the Durham population to recieve such a status in the University community. As a result, the Hosers are now entitled to the following perks: Perpetuation of all Inside Jokes without being required to explain them to others, the right to throw a toaster at anyone not wearing white at "Whiteout the Whitt", the right to force others to dance to any form of music w/no regard to things such as rhythm, and the God given right to punch anybody meeting the basic requirements to be classified as a "BC Douchebag (see diagram here for further info).

That's all the soothsaying I got for now ladies and Hosers, see you this weekend at the Lake, always remember to be classy and not Umassy. Goodnight Canada, and as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Hoser Nation Christmas Spectacular!

2007-12-23T21:35:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Week: As preached from our patron saints of Hoser-dom

Happy Holidays ladies and Hosers! Christmas time is always that special time of the year where we all remember and appreciate what really matters in our lives, friends and family that we love, a cold Molson, and that Maine sucks. But it also means a hectic time of preparing those irritating Christmas cards. We send them to people we haven't spoken to in 10 years, and often receive them from people we had presumed dead years ago. In the spirit of this age-old tradition, your heroes have created some true Holiday cards that will warm your hearts and bring a tear to your eye.

Here's one going to Merrimack:

And now here's one on it's way to MVU:

This one is addressed to our simpleton friends in WAAAAmherst:

Here's the card we sent to our favorite silver spoon suckers in Newton:

And finally, we did remember to send one to our inbred underlings in Orono
Well that's all for now ladies and Hosers, Safe travel wishes to the Hosers who will be making the excursion to NoDak to see the Good Guys in Blue take on the Fighting CENSORED. Time for another glass of beer-nog, I wish you all a happy and safe holiday! Be sure to observe Boxing day as well!

Merry Christmas, Eh!

Rouge

The Whiteout of the Whiteout

2007-12-21T20:15:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Week:

Jon: Maine at full strength

Student Section: That's Debatable!
Smokey McHoser: And his girlfriend is inflatable!

Happy Festivus Ladies and Hosers, the Christmas season is upon us and the 1st half of the season has come to a close with the Good Guys in Blue tied for 1st with the NUtered Huskies in the madness that has been bizarro Hockey East. Of course the 1st half could not end without us continuing the never ending quest to marginalize and mock the scum of the earth better known as the Mainers.

Traditionally, Whiteout the Whitt is among the most sacred of Hoser days of celebration, as Lake Whittemore hits a fever pitch and good times are abound as our favorite band of inbred failures provide us with nothing but humor from their obvious evolutionary shortcomings. When the schedule 1st came out for the season, we were lead to believe that the annual bout with the Mainers would take place on a Saturday as it usually does. However, the braintrusts of ESPN who have in the past decided to cover Mexican Belt Fighting over providing coverage for hockey at any level, decided that they wanted to have the coverage rights for the game. So in a blatant and unforgivable act of defiance to every law in Hoser Nation, ESPNU rescheduled the game for a Sunday 4pm start. According to my sources, ESPN didn't want to keep the game on Saturday as they had already booked coverage for this riveting event that evening

Of course the Sunday they chose just happened to be the same day that a lovely Nor'Easter that featured everything from heavy snow to freezing rain came through NH. And of course the day the game was originally scheduled for was a clear and cold night. To top it all off, ESPNU didn't even send the Man With The Golden Mullet, Barry Melrose to cover the game. So with an apparent skeleton crew of an audience on tap for the night, White out the Whitt would look more like dress like an empty seat night. The faithful that did attend waited and waited for word that the game would go on......Obviously fearing a backlash of unending wrath from a certain Queen of Hosers and society potentially breaking down into sectarian violence, at 11am, yours truly brought the joy inspiring news to the masses that the game was in fact on.

On the bright side, the Hoser-Dome certainly smelled alot better with more Mainers opting to stay in the barns to snuggle with Dolly the sheep and Mr. Ed.

The Student Section however, did show up in full force (obviously needing to be in the awe-inspiring presence of the Hosers to give them strength for the upcoming finals week).

From the start you could tell this wasn't going to be your typical UNH vs Maine matchup. Tanner House was still in shock that he actually hit on a girl that wasn't his cousin or a horse, and Ben Bishop continues to be haunted by the never-ending nightmares of the day when the now former Mayor of Durham leveled him harder than reality levels the hopes and dreams of all of Maine. Well, I'm sure the Incest riddled fools in Orono will still blame Trevor Smith for Mr. Butler scoring the 1st goal of this game.

Between periods, it was reported that more UMaine administrators were encouraging students to make "Voodoo and resurrecting the Dead" their major moreso than usual. It was also reported that a several dozen phone calls were made to Detroit in order to try and convince Jimmy Howard that he still had some eligibility left.

Throughout the 2nd and 3rd period, the sad Mainers continued to try and get back into the game, however true to form, Mr Regan denied them more times than their aunts at the latest speed dating seminar errr ummm family reunion. As the clock ticked away toward the end of the game, Mr. Leblanc put home the nail in the coffin empty net goal, that sealed away a 2-0 win for the Good Guys in Blue!

Then came the fun of digging out our vehicles while the Mainers went to dig out their wives/horses for their trek back to the cardboard box tralier parks. Thankfully despite the difficult and perilous conditions, the Hosers proved once again that they are truly among the world's finest heroes of heroes and all got home in one piece. Requests have been made to UNH to furnish us a sort've six-wheel drive super vehicle to serve as our company car. We asked for something like this. Talks of a Hoser-Copter are still in the works as well

That's all for now ladies and Hosers, to close this installment of my ramblings, I say this to ESPNU, next time you want to mess with our schedule; at least send Melrose to greet us, or we shall send Maggie Joyce to greet you...with PAIN!!! Check back sometime monday or tuesday for the Annual Christmas special. Goodnight Canada, and of course as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Its time to take out the trailer trash again!

2007-12-11T21:45:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Week:
"it is impossible to describe the low life class level of a mainer while lookin through the eyes of a hoser, how ever if u were to look up in a hoser dictionary; that person would be described as a horse fornicating, child stalking, waste of inbred space that needs to be wiped clean of the earth by means of dipped in an acid bath filled with piranha.......or something like that"

-The great Hoser philosophizer-Marcel Von HoseHead (still alive, still hates Maine, still killing NESN)

Well it's finally that time of the year once again ladies and Hosers. That whimsical time of the year where we "entertain" that lovable group of backwoods retards and lifelong failures of humanity better known as the Mainers. They bring with them incest, bestiality, a complete absence of intelligence, a stench of scUMbag, and constant unoriginal ramblings that no one can understand due to their lack of teeth and/or other evolutionary related shortcomings.

This is always a time of great amusement for all your heroes, for we always strongly condone and recommend the complete marginalization and humiliation of the ScUM of the Earth. Now of course you can get a good laugh from the annual flame fest going on as several of our Hoser brethren and fellow UNH faithful "communicate" our thoughts to these inbred failures. And of course when Lake Whittemore is in full Whiteout regalia, the Mainers will certainly hear the voice of Hoser Nation.

Did you really think I was going to let the Orono trash go without a pre-whiteout lecture on their inferiority? So here we go with another Hoser Nation Top 10 list. The Top 10 reasons why Its better to be UNH blue than Mainer pussy blue and screwed.

10. There aren't too many disgraces worse in this world than being the piece of crap that Massachusetts dumped and flushed away (credit to Godfather for this one)

9. UNH has one of the best Engineering Schools around...This is the kinda work Mainer Engineering gets ya

8. To Mainers, any Budweiser commercial featuring the famed Clydesdale Horses is considered to be free soft-core porn

7. UNH Alums can look forward to bright futures and happy homes, the only future a Mainer alum can look forward to is finally finding a Wal-Mart Parking lot close to Horse Stables to park the trailer in and call that home. And those are the lucky ones

6. Lets compare residence halls shall we? Lets see a UNH Residence Hall vs a Mainer "University" residence hall.

5. While the Good Guys in Blue have their classic and sharp uniform style, the Mainers have decided to go for a new set of uni's that more accurately depict their off-ice "contributions" in recent years.

4. Much of New England reveres and respects their baseball team (see Red Sox AKA America's Team). Mainers just beat up their own baseball team

3. The Mainers have spent some quality time in the cellar this year...just not the same Cellar Keith Johnson and Tanner House were hoping to lead their respective women of choice into.

2. Dental Plans...We got them, Mainers lack the minimum amount of teeth to qualify.

1.Mainers like to talk about 93* and 99. With 96 NCAA Violations, Drug Dealers, Child Predators, and other Mainer players getting arrested for sexual assault related charges, somebody must have forgotten to talk to them about having some integrity.

And in case all that didn't sink in for ya. This really does say it all. And it says to me, even if only for a brief moment.

EVEN COACH WALSH FIGURED IT OUT!!!!

Thats all that really needs to be said for now, plenty more will be said Sunday. Be ready Ladies and Hosers, the struggle between good and evil rages on this weekend! Goodnight Canada, and of course,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Catching up with the Hosers

2007-12-07T19:52:00.000-05:00

Quote of the week: Doesn't this just bring a smile to your face?

Well ladies and Hosers, I seem to have fallen behind a bit in enlightening the world with our tales of greatness and wonderment. So here's a little recap of the goings on from the last few weeks:

-What can Brom do for you? Not much beyond losing 5-2 on the waters of Lake Whittemore

-The best hockey name since Schwartzbauer: Brownschidle!!!

-Grandpa Hoser's Birthday! He is now ummmmmm, lets just say he's celebrated birthdays with Moses (apparently the Roman Empire had killer parties too)

-Doc and Darci's Birthday too!

-Maine still sucks

-USCHO is a good source of information, it's also full of a lot of crazy morons that can't comprehend logic at all

-This is possibly some of the most disturbing news to come out of Canada in recent memory...I will begin research to disprove this once and for all.

-A weekend with Lowell: Friday night was good, Saturday night......not so good, either way, no Hosers were stabbed.

-And Radja still Tiger now

That's pretty much the short version of whats been going on in Hoserville lately. The snoooowwww is on the ground and Christmas is fast approaching, but before we can enjoy all the presents and eggnog, we have a full plate worth of adventures to undertake.

Tomorrow afternoon, your heroes ship out to the intellectual abyss of Amherst to show the UMassholes how to behave in an intelligent and classy manner....We have more hopes that the Good Guys in Blue pull off a good win than Massholes being classy.

Then come Sunday the 16th, the ultimate battle between good and evil continues....That's right, the Good guys in Blue host the Scum of the Earth at Whiteout 07-08!

That's all for now Hosers, see ya tomorrow for Being Classy and Not UMassy 101, goodnight Canada and of course,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Thanksgiving in Hoser Nation

2007-11-22T19:58:00.000-05:00

Not exactly the quote of the week, but there's few things more amusing than the misery of Mainers

Happy Thanksgiving everyone, hope your holiday has been restful, filled with plenty of food, and the traditional during football naps

As Hosers we have so much to be thankful for, our fellow hosers, friends, family, not being mainers, hockey, the list goes on. But one thing we often neglect to give thanks for are those exceptional beings that set the standards in showing us how NOT to go about our daily lives or how to be a team player in the College Hockey ranks. These individuals are true turkeys worth mentioning on this great American holiday and so I introduce the 1st Hoser Nation True Thanksgiving Turkeys

Nathan Gerbe-Brokeback College

The Gerbe-baby already has a reputation for being a pint sized hack, but lately this year it seems he's been stepping up his chippy play. After several other noted incidents in the past and more recently, Hockey East Dick-tator Joe Bertagna suspended the Gerbe Baby for one game for an alleged "butt ending" incident vs Merri-mat. We feel that Bertagna may have misinterpreted his actions. While with other men's teams, butt ending would be a penalty, but with Brokeback College, butt ending an opponent is considered foreplay.

Tanner House- Mainers

The latest piece of black bear trash to have run ins with the law. This pathetic soul was charged with unlawful sexual touching and assault when he grabbed a woman's breast at some club in Orono. Though it's probable that he was too drunk to realize that it was a woman at some club he was trying to get frisky with rather than that new horse down at the stable he's had his eye on......Since when are there "clubs" in Orono anyway?

Brett "Everyone knows his" Motherwell

Your team is struggling right out of the gate, you should step up your play and do what you can to bring your teammates up as well, right? Nah, go break a few team rules and get yourself suspended from action for a while. Now, your team continues to struggle and you've got some important games coming up, a good teammate would talk to the coach and team, admit your wrongdoings, and dedicate yourself to redeeming yourself and get the entire season back on track right? Why do that when you can jump off the sinking ship, head for the AHL, and say screw you to school....Way to go Brett Motherwell

Ben Bitch-op- Mainers

Ohhh Benjamin, you worthless over-sized sieve, like there wasn't a chance you weren't going to end up here after you and the rest of the Scum of the Earth got themselves swept for the second weekend in a row...To Merri-Mat of all teams. Oh and the fact you got yourself hurt..again doesn't help either, but then again, helping your team hasn't been your strength lately hasn't it? It was all Smith's fault again wasn't it?

Blaise-d MacDonald-Low-ell

Considering he got busted for DUI after the River-Pigeon program was sparred from extinction, I wonder how shitfaced this wee-person was when he found out they were considering dropping hockey. Seriously though, you're a midget who coach's a hockey program that nearly got dropped that resides in Lowell, getting drunk off a bottle cap worth of vodka is not a good way to create a positive image.

That's all for today, see you Saturday, Have a great rest of Thanksgiving and a pleasant Thursday for all those in Canada and other countries, and as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

(PS. If you clicked on the link, consider yourself the latest to be Rick Roll'd)

One fugly friday and then Good News for Hoser Nation that is bad news for Maine

2007-11-18T09:25:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Week: "Does anyone remember who the Patriots punter is? We never see him anymore. That's gotta be one of the cushiest jobs in the league"
-My father during the 1st half of the latest Pats massacre of the National Football League

Well.....there was a game Friday night in Durham, but considering the eventual outcome of said game, I think a short but more animated recap of how things went is more appropriate for summarizing this "game"

The game should have gone something like this, with the Good Guys in Blue scoring and making saves in a similar fashion as to what is seen below

However, Friday night looked more like this
http://www.adultswim.com/video/?episodeID=50861230c31071ca0b30605d0c1abdd2

Nothing further needs to be said.

Saturday evening provided the Good Guys in Blue a chance to at least attempt to redeem themselves from the night before. Now unfortunately, yours truly was unavailable for this journey, however, during the course of their journey down to Proviced, the group that was able to make the trip made a startling discovery...The long lost OT and Grandpa Hoser...Apparently Grandpa Hoser's Alzheimer's was acting up again as hes been spending the last few weeks at the Schneider thinking it was the Whitt and all poor OT could do was sit there, pregnant and wondering what to do besides laugh at him....

Yes Mainers, your worst fear realized, the Hosers are reproducing, a new generation of Hoser will come to make your lives suck even more! Congrats to Nick and Erinn of course!!

And on to the game, unfortunately I have yet to be informed of any interesting tales of the journey yet other than Darci in "hooker" boots, and her and Jay driving every which way across creation on the way home. Judging from the box score and some other details given to me, it was the "Paul Thompson Show with James vanRiemsdyk and the Thomas Fortney Band" as they seemed to do it all in a 5-4 OT win for the Good Guys in Blue.

Do you think that line shuffle just may have paid off just a little bit?

Meanwhile elsewhere in Hockey East, everything continues to be ass backwards thus far..NUtered wins again, Brokeback Coll took one on the chin to UM-Ass, MVU beat Beancan Univ after the Toy Poodles lit up the Cat-A-Frauds like a cheap bong. Annnnnnnnndddd at the Volpe, the Mainers found a way to top their performance from last weekend...One thing that's sure to top getting swept by Proviced in your own toilet bowl rink, is getting swept by Merri-Mat in their rink.

Back in Orono, the sullen and downtrodden Barnyard deviants have resorted to such heartbreaking and yet incredibly amusing acts of depression

Cop Pulls Over a Drunk Redneck Driving a Lawnmower - Watch more free videos

That's all for now ladies and Hosers, Have a great Thanksgiving and enjoy those naps during the Football, no worries I will be back Saturday for our non conference tilt with Brom. Goodnight Canada and of course,

Good day, Eh
Rouge

From the Squallers of Lowell to Popped Collars. A weekend with the RiverPigeons and Metrosexual Eagles

2007-11-13T12:48:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Week:
"At least it wasn't another Horse"
-Most of Hoser Nation in regards to yet another piece of Orono Scum getting in trouble with the law

http://www.uscho.com/news/college-hockey/id,14606/MaineHockeyPlayerChargedWithAssaultUnlawfulSexualTouching.html

Well ladies and Hosers, we certainly found ourselves in an unusual schedule this past weekend. Friday evening we would find ourselves entertaining the alcoholic midget led Stabbing River-Pigeons. The next night we went from the homicidal lushes of lower-class Massachusetts to the Silver Spooned Bags of Douche from so-called upper class Massachusetts.

Friday Night vs Low-ell

Allow me to ask you a question. What could possibly be more worth poking fun at than a midget who got busted for DUI even though he can't see above the steering wheel? The answer is a midget that gets busted for DUI that can't see over the steering wheel who also happens to be the coach of a subpar team from Lowell that nearly got axed by their own board of trustees.

As if being from Lowell wasn't enough ammunition for your heroes.

So it was unofficially Blaise-d MacDonald night at Lake Whittemore. There was the singing of the newly remastered version of "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall", plenty of straight lines pre-painted on the ice so Blaise-d could attempt to redeem himself, local police were on hand and ready with breathalyzers, and of course plenty of complementary and commemorative nip bottles of Absolut Vodka.

Blaise-d didn't seem to appreciate the significance of the event.

Despite impressive goal scoring from the likes of Mr. Thompson and Mr. Flashains once again, and a strong goaltending outing from Mr. Foster, The RiverPigeons were able to escape Durham with a hard fought tie. The offense did have more success on the ice than Blaise-d did in convincing those Lowell cops that the bottle of Smirnoff Ice he had didn't hit him as much as the sobriety test said. There was also a surprisingly low amount of penalties considering the high homicide rate Lowell has.....away from Lowell itself.

Saturday Night vs Brokeback College

The 1st tilt between the Good Guys in Blue and the Collar Poppers had some unique circumstances them this year. 1st of all, as we all know the Metrosexuals from Newton (not Boston) no longer have Franken-Douche Boyle and BC's favorite Cuddlesieve Schneider at their disposal. But as gametime rolled around it was revealed that they would be without several of their key players including everyone's favorite little leprechaun bitch Nathan Gerbe who had been suspended by Hockey East Dick-tator Bertagna for a "Butt Ending" incident not previously seen in a previous game.....This more than likely explains why Aiello was skating more gingerly than usual saturday night.

And so begins the game. Early on Mr. Radja showed that not even trust-funds can save the opposition from the Ghost of Ryan Whitney. Nor could their mommy and daddy's fortunes they got from embezzling money stop Mr. Collins (Not Sean) from dangling his way past the Brokeback Coll Sieve who isn't Schneider.

BC managed to tie the game up at 2 a piece in the 3rd period. But instead of a game ending, rave starting fog, the Douche Bags from Newton got themselves Mr. Flashains doing his best impression of Muffin Man Pollastrone by floating a danish of a shot past their frosh sieve for the lead. Later on Mr. Switzer let a shot from the top of the circle go and made it a 4-2 game.

Yes...I just said Switzer scored to make it a 4-2 game. Perhaps a turnaround is in the works

Brokeback Coll was much chippier than usual this evening, possibly making up for Gerbe's absence. Gravel himself was much more subpar than usual. Clearly he forgot his favorite Hockey East fan was in attendance as always.

Meanwhile, Jerrrwy York is sending a frantic telegram to Vancouver desperately looking for his real goaltender. And in Orono, The Proviced Friars were taking the ruler to the scum of the earth for the second night in a row.

With the lead at 4-2, the Good Guys in Blue were not done with their foe this evening. So leave it to Mr. Highlight Reel himself to put it away. Reemer dangled his way through his limp wristed opponents and burned the Brokeback Sieve for the nail in the douchebag's coffins.

UNH 5, BC 2....And we feel better again.

That's all for now Hosers, be on the lookout for the latest volume of the "Hoser Nation Jazzercise" DVD in stores. Features all the latest dance moves that you have to be truly specialed or really loaded to be able to successfully execute. See you all Friday, Goodnight Canada, and as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Finding Waldo on St.Boltoph St (Beanpot yet to be found in that area)

2007-11-07T12:06:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Week: "It"
Because it's the word

Another day, another trip to Beantown for your heroes. This week, the Hosers found themselves in the frosty and ancient confines of Matthews Arena. This old building has always had a special place in the heart of many of your heroes. Some enjoy being in one of the oldest arenas still standing, some of us revel in being in the original home to the Bruins, but all Hosers simply enjoy being their because the NUtered Huskies always offer us a good laugh with their futility.

And so once again began the epic battle between the Dog House and the Litterbox. Not even 5 min into the contest, Mr. Flashains sent a rocket past the Husky Sieve to make it an early 1-0 lead for the good guys. Late in the Period another UNH tally put it at 2-0, but the NUtered ones added one of their own before the period was out. So it stands at 2-1 for the Good Guys in Blue after 1.

One of the more curious changes to the Matthews game environment was that the Husky Band and their husky cheerleaders were stationed in the visitors section of the arena. Being the courteous and warm-hearted guests we always are, we readily gave our assistance to the husky band and their husky cheerleaders. NU can thank us for supporting the often neglected South-Western view point they seem to forget when they say Northeastern. Above all else, when prompted by signs...We did in fact Yell IT!. But what exactly is "it"? Let's examine shall we?

Could this "IT" that the husky cheerleaders be the fact that by the end of the 2nd period, Mr. Fritsch and Mr. Radja put on more tallies to further put things out of reach? Could it be another Chocolate Chip baked confection from Muffin Man Pollastrone that found it's way past the NU Sieve? Perhaps it is the fact a husky failure was sent packing via game dq? Whatever it is, we certainly made sure to yell it.

3rd period rolls around and despite attempted NUtered comebacks the game seems fairly in hand. Hoser Nation made one of the most sought after discoveries in recent history. After verifying it with all the books and all known descriptions of the man, we did in fact find Waldo! As you can see in this photo, Waldo was hiding among the NU fans, but when he realized how much of a lost cause they are, he jumped sides and seemed to readily change his stripes to New Hampshire blue and white. Leave it to the Hosers to find and convert Waldo before Northleastern could find the beanpot.

The Husky cheerleaders keep telling us to yell it, and so we do. They begin to inquire about our age at the same time though....I think they might have been hitting on the Kazoo band though.

Oh wait there was a hockey game too! Captain Hobey Fornataro put the game all but out of reach from the NUtered failures, and then Reemer puts home the nail in the coffin to seal a solid 7-4 win in Beantown

There was a game on Sat night too....But why bring that up? All that needs to be said is that NU had it, and the Good guys...not so much.

Well the weekend approaches ladies and Hosers. Friday night, be sure to lock your liquor cabinets and wear your knife proof kevlar, the River Pigeons and Blaise "Absolut drunk midget" MacDonald come to town. Then on Saturday, the trust-fund trash from Newton come to Durham as Brokeback College tries to find life after Brian "Franken-Douche" Boyle and Aiello's old Cuddlesieve, Schneider. We go from stabbing knives and DUI's to the silver spoon and an inflated sense of entitlement all in two days, so practice your knife fighting and techno dancing and we'll see you Friday. Goodnight Canada and of course,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

The Weekend that made Colorado really dislike New England: The New Hoser Epic: Conclusion

2007-11-01T13:29:00.000-04:00

And now for the #1 reason why Colorado really hates New England after this weekend:

1. Just after the Cats sent the Tabby Tigers packing, America's team took what was theirs!

Hoser Nation proudly salutes the 2007 World Champions. America's Team: The Boston Red Sox

The Hosers ship up to Boston tomorrow to pop in on our friends the NUtered Huskies on Huntington Ave. The Dog House collides with the Litterbox once again.

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

The weekend that made Colorado really dislike New England: The New Hoser Epic Part II

2007-10-29T23:37:00.001-04:00

Quote of the Week Runner-Up:
"When you wear Red Sox on your shirt, you're good at something"

-David Ortiz

And so the new saga continues. Everyone in Hoser Nation was feeling particularly upbeat after the previous evening's stirring comeback victory over the Community College Tabby Tigers and we were all looking forward to game two of the latest chapter of East meets common fools from the west. But we in Hoser Nation were confronted with a conundrum that has become more common than how we should keep Mainers in Maine (we are open to all suggestions on how to solve that one, common ideas have been giant electric fence, over sized moat, or just deceiving them into thinking all the cows in New Hampshire have migrated to Nova Scotia so they can go there to find a prom date that isn't a cousin)

Game 2 of the weekend just happened to conflict with game 3 of the 2007 World Series which of course pitted America's team, The Boston Red Sox against the JV League Champ, Colorado Crockies. For most in Hoser Nation, the answer was academic, but for many in Durham it was much more of an issue. Would they choose a home hockey game against a ranked foe not commonly seen in these parts, or would they remain glued to TV's and watch America's team inch another step closer to claiming their 2nd title in 4 years?

Naturally, we gave those who were bound by Hoser Law absolutely no choice in this matter, it was hockey 1st, and then catch the rest of the game afterwards. Defiance of this decree would result in punishment by being locked in the stockades in Orono while dressed in a sheep costume.

Being it parent's weekend, there was a somewhat unusual crowd in the section. The new question to be considered was not if we were going to offend this crowd of families, but just how many were we going to offend to the point where they were no longer going to allow their child to attend UNH. I believe Doug may have guessed the highest without going above the actual number.

Now I could go with the usual game summary but considering the fact that America's team was also playing a team from Colorado the same the Good Guys in Blue were doing the same, I feel a top 10 list is in order. So I present to thee the top 10 reasons why the state of Colorado failed miserably against the combined power of Hoser and Red Sox Nation.

10. Rally towels AND Thunderstix...pfft real fans need not such objects to inspire victory

9. Nate "Prick" Prosser spent so much time taking regular cheapshots at Reemer and crying to the officials about how he stole his lunch money, that he missed out on trying to stop Captain Hobey from scoring.

8. Both the CRockies and Tabby Tigers received complementary t-shirts after they departed New England. The T-shirts read: "I went to New England, And all I got was badly humiliated and mocked on a large stage"

7. NH Native Paul Thompson earned himself his 1st collegiate goal. Colorado natives earned themselves another weekend of wishing John Elway would come back and save them.

6. The Hosers stole every ounce of Coors beverages in the greater Portsmouth area so that CC fans wouldn't get that taste of home while visiting Hoser Nation.....Sam's is better anyway

5. John Elway wouldn't even have been able to beat Mr. Foster this evening no matter what the hopeless and altitude sickened fools of Colorado may believe.

4. This time, Boston didn't lend Ray Bourque to CC or the CRockies in order for them to win games.

3. Prosser is still a flaming bag of douche

2. The CC Tabby Tigers and CRockies shared more than utter defeat at the hands of two of New England's finest. The Tabby Tigers GAA was just was as ridiculously high as the CRockies ERA (except for that one pitcher who had something like a 94.43 ERA)

And for the number one reason why Colorado really dislikes New England after this weekend.....to be continued....as if theres any doubt why.

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

The weekend that made Colorado really dislike New England: The new Hoser Epic Part I

2007-10-29T01:43:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Week:

"The shot wasn’t even that hard. It was a little muffin I put on that, but it found its way to the net.” - Jerry Pollastrone

This has certainly been one of those weekends where all those in Hoser Nation can truly look back upon, smile, and say "Hey, that was a good couple of days, and Maine still sucks." So much so that your friendly neighborhood bar-room hero will make this a 3 part mega epic.

And so this saga begins with a Friday night under the lights of Lake Whittemore. Fresh off Coach Umile's 400th career win over Beancan U, the Good Guys in Blue welcomed the Community College Tabby Tigers of Colorado Springs. Last season, New Hampshire ventured out into the Rocky Mountains and delivered a White Mountain beatdown on the Denver rejects. This time around, these sad fools thought that Lake Whittemore would be more kind to them...pfft must be the altitude sickness that went to their heads long ago.

1st period

It appeared that there was something of a "400 Win" hangover in effect as Community College somehow managed to sneak their way into a 2-0 lead. As is the way of Western Hockey, CC attempted to bait the Good Guys into penalty situations using chippy play, particularly from one Nate "Western Bag of Douche" Prosser....Unfortunately such play did result in alot of penalties. Down 2-0, the perpetual frosh, Mr. Butler continued his campaign to at least be promoted to Sophomore status in the eyes of Hoser Nation by making it a one goal game...Unfortunately CC got another tally so its back to a two goal lead.

Sidenote: If your going to ask Hosers to set up and care for a very large banner and also hand out free tech-wick t-shirts in the same night.....It's probably, sort've, definitely a good idea to make sure at least ONE Hoser actually get one of said T-shirts. Just throwing that out there so that no one has to endure punishment by catapult in the future.

2nd Period:

Down 3-1 when 15 seconds in, there he is, Hobey "Rock you like a Hurricane name Matt Fornataro" Fornataro brought everything back to within one. More chippy play from the Tabby Tigers, which could only delay the inevitable that was to come.

3rd Period:

OK. If there's one thing you have to like about how things have been thus far this year, is that 3rd periods are alot more fun. Still down but not out, the Good Guys in Blue needed something big. Mr. Pollastrone then unleashed onto the world the next greatest thing in the world since a Johnathan Papelbon "Slutter" pitch. The great muffin shot heard round the rink tied the game up. You think he's done? Hardly. Mr. Pollastrone floated yet another baked confection past the CC Sieve, leaving him feeling like he had just gotten bitch-slapped by Fred the Baker. Captain Hobey added the final tally to nail down yet another impressive come from behind win, but the story didn't end there. Clearly reeling from the shame of having lost the game after being buried in the Pollastrone Bakery of shots, rather than facing his conquerors, the CC Sieve scurried away with the rest of his defeated comrades to the locker rooms rather than pay respect to their hosts with the traditional postgame handshake.....Silly Western Superstition or not, they earned every boo they got as they left the ice with their tails between their legs and heads well up their asses.

And that's only game 1.

to be continued....What kind've childish hackery will CC resort to in game 2? Can the CRockies save their season? Will Captain Hoser make it to the Hoser Dome in a Sober state of mind? Will it be a blueberry muffin, chocolate chip muffin, or perhaps coffee cake muffin brand of goal that will do in the Tabby Tigers next time?

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Hoser Mailbag: Sox, Cats, CRox, Tigers, Indians, and Slack-Jawed Morons from Orono

2007-10-24T19:55:00.000-04:00

Well it certainly has been an eventful last couple of days in New England to say the least. Of course all of New England will be keeping an eye on whats happening on the diamond the next week or so, but there is business to attend to in Hoser Nation. There is mail to answer and hopeless lives to give a brief glimmer of hope to, or crush the dreams of. And here we go with Kevin from the Mistake by the Lake better known as Cleveland.

Dear Hosers,
As a Cleveland sports fan, this week was a pretty brutal week for me, you wouldn't happen to have any words of wisdom to help me out?

I will say this, your Indians were indeed valiant opponents, and at least the marketing department at Jacob's Field gave you guys crying rags in anticipation of your imminent failure..What did you think they were just rally towels? Well Kevin, my best advice is to take solace in your other teams. You always have the Browns, oh wait the Pats trashed them. Theres always the Blue Jacketsss oh nevermind. Ummmm how about the Cava-lost in the finals and their best player is a Yankees fan. Ummmmmmmm how about you take up painting or something, at least your not a Mainer, you always have that.

Onward to Darren from Cambridge:

Hosers,
What do you make of the recent problems at the BC rink? Alot of people seem to be really upset about it.

Well Darren, I think a team flying from Dakota to Boston for what was supposed to be one of the Premier matchups of the early parts of the regular season, only to have it be called a draw after two periods because of fog and terrible ice conditions that had happened in the past, just might piss a few of those NoDak fans off a little bit. Some have blamed it on poor compressors, some blame the unusual weather outside, some say global warming as a whole, some say Costanza had something to do with it, and many stand by BC mistakenly thinking that NoDak was only here for their Halloween Wine Cooler Rave. You'd think with the kinda trust funds they have, they would have fixed the problem a while back. Put there must have been a sale on pink collared shirts that day.

Now here's a real pressing question from Sarah in Durham that I'm sure many have also pondered.

Hey Hosers,
I don't what to choose from this weekend. I got tickets for the Cats games vs CC, but I also want to watch the World Series too. Half my friends say Cats, the other say Sox, what am I going to do?

OK, since Friday night is an off day for the Sox, that should be what I would call a "No-brainer unless your a Mainer". Saturday I might encourage some creativity. Bring a radio with you to listen to the game (the commentators on Fox are douchebags anyway) at the hockey game. By the time the Good Guys in Blue are done with sending the Community College Tigers back out west, you'll be back in time to see the Sox take on the CRox. If you happen to have a portable TV that would be able to pick up the game, you are required to bring it to Sect 123 Row A for our amusement, and a couple 12 packs would be expected too.

Well that's all for now, see you all Friday at Lake Whittemore, and remember to order your copy of "Johnathan Papelbon: Duke of The Dance" today!

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Kings of Comm Ave: HE Season begins under the bright lights of the Dick Umile Scoreboard

2007-10-20T00:01:00.000-04:00

Quote of the week:
"The champagne tastes just as good on the road as it does at home."
Indians 1st Basemen Ryan Garko just after his team got clocked in game 5 and before they got further trounced in games 6 and 7.

Yes, Ladies and Hosers, the real games have indeed begun. And this new season of Hockey East starts off with the Good Guys in Blue paying visit to the Miniature Poodles of Beancan U. Of course this meant that once again the Hosers would be basking under the high definition glory of the Dick Umile Scoreboard.

As history has shown, Comm Ave has been a kind place to Hoserkind (not just T's Pub either) and your Masters were looking forward to getting this new season off to a good start. Of course old Beancan U couldn't resist flaunting their precious Beanpot trophy that no one outside of Boston cares about as a means of attempting to put a positive spin on their failures of last season. Of course the Poodles were still yipping in sorrow over the loss of their Hobey Baker Winner that never was, Butters Sieve Curry.

1st period:

Well no one appeared to know what to expect from either team as they both were coming off unexpected losses just the other week...And right off the bat it seemed that both were still reeling from those losses. Your heroes were less amused than an MVU failure at a smoke free Ziggy Marley Concert.

Meanwhile down the road in Newton (NOT Boston). The Brokeback Coll Douchebags were set to take on the NoDak Fighting CENSORED in another battle between these two rivals...Instead, it was another Fog Rave Night at the Conte. While the BC folk were all about the usual glow stick, fogs, techno music, and popped collar atmosphere, the fans from Grand Forks were somewhat bewildered by this metrosexual behavior and angered that they flew out all this way just to end up getting two periods of hockey and an all night trust fund techno rave.

2nd Period:

So we're down 1-0 after a period of mostly being shorthanded, and just who do we look to right this wrong of wrongs...Unfortunately while Bobby Orr was in attendance, he was unavailable, so Captain Hobey took care of that problem. In other news, the most wonderful event occurs in Merrimack. It's the long anticipated battle between the Beavers and the Trojan Condom Warriors of MerriMat.

3rd Period:

More penalties, more BU faithful reveling in their beanpot. But then the Son of a Fritsch let a laser of a shot right past the BU goalie that everyone wished was still Curry. So things have begun to look up in the world yet again...But do we stop there? NEVER!!!!(cue diabolical laughter). Mr. Radja proceeded to tack on the insurance to make it 3-1. Would we call it a night then? That's like asking if there any branches to a Mainers family tree..the answer is NO! Just because he can, JVR dances his way past several inept beancan u defenders and nails down a highlight reel goal and ultimately Coach Umile's 400th win behind the UNH bench.

So we begin the Hockey East season with a solid W, but the road is long and littered with many challenges and even more Mainers with failed lives. Next week we play host to Colorado Springs Community College at Lake Whittemore. Until next week remember, when life has got you down just remember, at least you're not a Mainer or as of this weekend, from Cleveland.

Good day, Eh

Rouge

Hoser Orientation Day Mailbag!

2007-10-15T13:16:00.000-04:00

Welcome back Ladies and Hosers, I bring a special edition of the Hosers giving guidance to the lost masses of the world. As many of you noticed, this past week's exhibition game saw a surprisingly involved turnout that consisted mostly of that inept and lost status of being known as the freshman. While I of course applaud those who made the choice of Hockey over Sox, I did notice some appeared to be a little on the lost side throughout the game. So for those who were unsure of how things work within the cold confines of Lake Whittemore, I am here to answer your queries. There are NO stupid questions to ask.....unless they are really really dumb ones.

Kara from Rochester, NH asks:
Dear Hosers,
It was my 1st game the other night, and I had a great time! But I wasn't sure exactly how I could go about taunting the opposition..Any suggestions?

Well Kara, It's completely understandable that you were confused, so I present to you a video version of taunting 101:

Hope that gives you an idea of how to taunt...If not just follow our lead next time. Onward to Brad from Concord:

Hosers:

I'm looking for a new start now that I'm at UNH. What are the benefits of joining the ranks of Hoser Nation?

Excellent question! There are many benefits for joining our motley crew. Aside from being the most respected and well traveled fans in College Hockey. Our unique 401K takes every dollar you add and forwards it to the Hoser Nation beer fund, it's not like your going to retire anytime soon once you join. Our popular health plan goes as follows: If you happen to have a slip and fall incident, become ill/hungover from too much drinking, or happen to bruise easy like Darci, we 100% guarantee that once we are sure you are not seriously injured, we will point and laugh at your misfortune. We also offer a wide array of perks such as: Boozeshare (senior personnel only), weekly fish shaped Canadian candy allowances, leftover baked confections, a Mainer-free environment, Push a BC Douchebag into a pile of cow dung day, weekly raffles for a chance to kick Bananas the Black Bear in the groin, and a complementary copy of "David Hasselhoff's Greatest Hits".

Finally we have Tara Dover:

Dear Hosers,
Are there any rules for bringing friends who happen to support oppsing schools to Lake Whittemore for games?

Well, we at Hoser Nation don't mind you bringing such friends to the arena....We just wont acknowledge them as a credible being worth listening to at any extent. But there are such exceptions and technicalities to the rules. MVU fans we don't encourage being in the section as it may be hazardous to the freshmen of UNH. Brokeback College bags of douche are too stuck up to even bother with. As far as the scum of the earth better know as Mainers......if you bring one to the section, expect to find your friend tied to the amtrak rails by the end of warmups...Zoo-Mass fans, are good for a nasty article in the local papers once and a while. To be honest, If you know a Merrimack fan, please bring them to our attention! Theres a better chance of seeing a live Dodo Bird than seeing a Merrimack fan who would publicly admit to being one...

That's all for now, see all you Hosers and Beancan U poodles at Comm Ave on Friday, until then as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Annnnddd Here we go again

2007-10-13T06:56:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Week:
"They were swimming into my ass!"
-Darci

Hold onto your tuques and make sure your molsons are good and frosty, because the 07-08 season is finally upon us! Lake Whittemore has opened for business once again and so have your heroes who once set out to make the world a better place for all Hoser-kind. The Good Guys in Blue open up this season's campaign with a high profile matchup against the Junior Varsity Black swatch Plaids of the University of New Brunswick.....Yes I know, Canadian Colleges are just an expensive form of sub par junior hockey leagues.

While your heroes began the new year without the Token Hoser, O.T Hoser, Doc (who the hell works during a hockey game anyway?), and Grandpa Hoser's usual incoherent ramblings of how Hockey was played with large wooden clubs and over sized boulders back in his day (aka the Jurassic Era), we were graced by a long overdue appearance of the Hanson Brothers. They brought with them the foil and tales of the great Eddie Shore, Toe Blake, Dit Clapper, and that one guy Joe drafted that used to get deliberate penalties so he could get by himself in the penalty box and........well you get the idea.

Of course while this game meant nothing to standings and such, it was in fact the long awaited debut of the highly touted JVR. All eyes were indeed on him, except for the moments when our eyes turned towards the UNB backup goalie who clearly became the early front runner for "Douchebag Haircut of the Year" as shown in this artists rendering. After the traditional Canadian Anthem and Star Spangled Banner which was performed the apparently resurrected Luther Vandros, the season began!

1st Period.
With the Bell of Death and Destruction in hand and a whole new drone of freshmen fans to brainwash, everything seemed OK for the 1st 5 minutes, then we fell behind 1-0...Not a big deal, an easily surmountable lead.

2nd Period
And we are now down 2-0 and the team doesn't seem to be gelling all that much yet, no big still early and it's only 2-0, wait no, make that 3-0...What the hell?! Then Hoser Nation is given a reason to celebrate besides Godfather Hosers Birthday and the baked confections that came with it. JVR tallied his 1st point as a Wildcat with a wrister so nasty, the Scum of the Earth in Orono felt it. So now it's 3-1, JVR got his 1st goal and as an added bonus, beat up a few of the JV Reds and stole their lunch money (even if it all was in Canadian currency). Meanwhile, it's become very clear that picking quotes of the week is going to be exceptionally difficult this year, as 5 of every 6 things Doug says is noteworthy and puzzling all together.

In other news, Mainers are still an abomination and a mockery to the human spirit, Cleveland pitcher C.C Sabathia changes his name to "F.F" to better describe his overall effectiveness against the Sox, and President Elect Smokey McHoser still plots his world conquest...for Niccodogs.

3rd Period
Is that a paranormal presence I feel? It must be the Ghost of Ryan Whitney! The specter of the Greatest BU defenseman in UNH history made it's mark with a 3rd period goal to make it a 3-2 game. Momentum seemed to be swinging back our way when UNB answered. The Official Referee of Godfather Hoser seemed to be very whistle happy this evening, so one can assume he A. Forgot it was Godfather's birthday (FOR SHAME GRAVEL!!!!) and B. He probably didn't get the autographed and gold framed 8x12 photo of him and Matt yet. Meanwhile in sect 123, the Hosers stay true to form and let the randomness flow like river water as Darci describes to us her apparent romantic encounters with Dolphins........At this point, the tone is set for the rest of the year

JVR tacks on his second goal of the game, but it was all too late as the Good Guys in Blue dropped the exhibition to the JV morons in Red 4-3. As this game meant nothing from the start, it is a loss that can be brushed aside like the hopes and dreams of a Mainer. Besides, Canada isn't a real country anyway. More importantly, the Hosers are back in business and ready for another year.

Stay tuned next week as the real games begin with our traditional visit to Comm Ave and the Beancan U Miniature Poodles. So get the Hoser Express ready, plug in your light brights, and slap a Mainer in the face for good luck, for we make for Boston come Friday. Until such time, as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Hoser Headlines: Almost that time of year!

2007-09-16T13:17:00.000-04:00

Yes, ladies and Hosers, we are almost there. The leaves are changing colors, the temperatures are dropping, Mainers continue to live with false hope, and the ice is in at the Whitt once again. Soon enough a new season will be upon us. The good guys in blue are back on Lake Whittemore, tickets will soon be available, and then all will be well with the world. But for now.... headlines!

-As we all have noticed, this offseason saw another high rate of big name players making the jump to the NHL. The now-impeached mayor is still working within the abysmal world known as the New York Islanders system. While he remains here in Durham for his senior year Mr. Regan continues to gain exceptional praise from the Black and Gold. BC's favorite cuddle-sieve Cory Schneider turned in his pink shirts and wine coolers for red plaid and Molson as he chose to dump Aiello in favor of Johnny Canuck. Former Mainer Tedy Purcell had a change of heart and decided that the morally and intellectually barren wasteland of Orono was not for him. So after the season, he opted to leave the land of a thousand violated cows and made for civilization.....Unfortunately, he completely got lost and wound up in Los Angeles instead. Not too long ago, we got in contact with another BC escapee who signed with Hollywood. However, he was not able to grant us an interview as he was on his way to play Sasquatch in an upcoming direct to DVD film, he was kind enough to pass along this 8x12 to all of us in Hoser Nation, to show his admiration for us all despite being on the wrong team his whole college career.

-The UNH Football season kicked off about a week ago, and have once again made another BCS Bowl team suffer the agony of defeat as Marshall became the latest giant slain at the hands of the Durham gridiron crew. One of the biggest concerns of this season is how the team will perform without the recently departed Corey Graham and of course Dave Ball. Well, we here at Hoser Nation have been hard at work trying to help them out. With cloning out of the picture, we had to get a little creative...Being a former nose tackle, I've always been partial to defense, so I decided the best offense is a defense that would make a UFC Champ shit his pants...So starting at inside linebacker next game will be Maggie Joyce.

-And finally with school being back in full swing and all the women of UNH still in deep mourning over not having me living in Durham on a full time basis anymore, the campus has undergone a series of changes to the landscape and lifestyle of Durham. Demerrit Hall now lies in ruins, Fairchild is getting a face lift, the crosswalks are now marked with cobblestone, Hayden Sports is now in the same building as the Outback, and a truly grievous crime of crimes....DHOP pizza after 11pm is now a $1.50 rather than the traditional $1. Now while there isn't really much we can do about DHOP due to increased prices on cheeses and such, the University has consulted Hoser Nation for the next stage of renovations to the campus. At long last, The UNH School of Hoserology Department of Alcohol Sciences and Drunk and Disorderly Behavior will get their own building! Be sure to check next semester for classes in Beer Sampling, Brewing, Beer Goggle Sciences, Foreign Booze not legal in the US, Competitive Drinking Sciences, and Hangover Prevention. Also of note a new residence community is in the works for graduate students who prefer to keep their stays in Durham more on the long term side. The Gibney and Yacobson Halls will be open in the fall of 2008.

That's all for now, be sure to stay tuned as we approach a new season and take a look at some of the places we'll be going to cause more disturbances and disarray. Until next time, as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

It's 3am..Do you know where the Hoser is?

2007-09-06T03:18:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Week:
"MAINE STINKS!!!"

-Little kid in UNH attire to an older kid wearing a Mainer hat at the Sullivan Sq T-Station

As the title so suggests, it is in fact 3am as I write to you ladies and Hosers, and your hero is currently serving yet another tour of duty at the Whitt. As I've informed several of you, the Republican National Debate has taken over Durham, and it is because of these non-hoser politicians that yours truly finds himself guarding the waters of Lake Whittemore once again at this early time of day. This edition of the Hoser Scriptures ironically comes to you from the very office computer that it was originally born from. So I figured I'd use the free time I have at this lovely hour to share some of the goings on around our beloved winter-time home away from home.

-As I stated sometime ago, the waters of Lake Whittemore will be returned to their rightful frozen and properly painted state starting next week. Another sign that the season is in fact fast approaching. Of course yours truly, the great Hoser artist of the ice will be lending his magic touch to the process.

-The entire loading and set-up process for this little debate took nearly a week to complete. Between our usual rigging crew, Fox News, the Candidates and their entourage, catering, and anyone else that happened to find themselves involved, it created more chaos than a Mainer running into a herd of Sheep looking for a prom date that wasn't their cousin.

-The debate took up every possible office, locker room, hallway, and even rec court available.......Except for the office I currently occupy of course. This is of course further proof that democracy always favors the Hosers, even if we work under a monarchy.

I need more coffee before the next wave of crews come in to remove more of what remains of the debate, soon enough it will be restored to it's rightful purpose, and that only means one step closer to a new season of Hockey and all sorts of Hoser madness. Java calls, I bid you adieu and as always..

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Back with a Vengeance and the merchandise to get it!

2007-08-26T21:21:00.000-04:00

Quote/random finding of the week: Because Ty is a beast

Several hundred beers later, we're back with a new look for the upcoming season of hockey and shenanigans. I'm still trying to think up a new title, and may make some more little changes in order to mesmerize the lot of ya with all sorts of other bells and whistles.

On to new business, of course all Hoser Nation has been a buzz with the recent arrival of the 1st ever line of Hoser Nation T-shirts, and all the talk about a line of jerseys has got even the most corrupted Mainers ditching their manure stained flannel attire in anticipation. With that in mind, and it being a back to school time of year, your heroes have decided to launch a few new designs so that you can be ready to make that 1st day of school statement, or just wear something the Mainers who never went to school wont be able to read no matter how much it mocks them. So here is the latest!

'"Uh, Oh! You're from Maine!"
Want to remind all those hideous folk from Orono of several of their shortcomings and failures and be fashionable at the same time? The Hosers got you covered!

Official BC Douchebag T-Shirt
Let's face it, we've all seen those stupid superfan t-shirts, now they can wear something that actually advertises their true identity. Comes in maroon and of course pink with pre popped collars

"You Know You're a River Pigeon When"
Your Hockey program was just spared the axe and have been given a new life within the school. Do you rally the team together and make them stronger than ever? OR do you do the Blaise MacDonald thing, and get drunk at some golf course and pass out in the parking lot? We expect this model to sell more than tickets to Lowell home game against Merrimack.

Jesus just doesn't love you

BU actually got something right for a change. Now you can own the attire to commemorate the moment in time where Jesus made it official that it was not OK to be a Douchebag.

Beancan U loses Beanpot....to the Moon

Just because we can't resist reminding BU of how little their precious beancan tourney wins mean to us, and of the day they trembled before the Mooninites in light bright form. Besides, it's not like BC can take it from them (they seem to save it for the real postseason).

Proposed 2007 Whiteout the Whitt Shirt
We've been saying it for years, it was only a matter of time before it became a fashion statement. Now you can really welcome the Mainers to Lake Whittemore this upcoming season like never before.

Well that's all the creativity I got for now, if you've got any ideas drop me a line. I really do intend to send this Whiteout Shirt to someone to see if it's a real possibility this season. Stay tuned as the madness will only grow as the season draws closer, until then as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

HA HA!! Under heavy construction

2007-08-18T11:38:00.000-04:00

NO Big Dig Officials consulted for this remodeling

Attention All Hosers and other UNH folk

2007-08-14T20:28:00.000-04:00

1st order of business: Judging by the activity on facebook, I'm never going to be allowed to live down my preachings from Hoserfest regarding a certain 80's band aren't I?

2nd: A cure for stabbings has been found! It is simply....too stay out of most of Lowell

3rd: Researchers have definitely proven that there is a strong sociological link to terribly low IQ's, deficient hygiene, horrid stenches, general ugliness, and gravest of all, inappropriate use of the mullet. Scientists have dubbed this link as "being a Mainer".

4th: With the season being just over 2 months away, something has caught my attention as of late. While the title of this little piece of online literature and enlightenment has been accurate is describing it's tales of wonderment and greatness (every single bit of it is still 110% true but not subject to Government testing), I feel the time has come for a new title to be given. And since I am a benevolent-ish dictator, I leave the creation of a new title for the scriptures to you all, the Masses of Hoser Nation and Wildcat Nation in general. If you have an idea feel free to leave a comment for this post or other posts that may come, ill pick the best ones and then leave it to you to vote on it. The winning title, will get partial credit for the idea but I will be passing it off as my own idea regardless.

Really, leave your ideas, I need all the suggestions I can get.

Coming soon, those rink reviews and other Hoser related stuff I happen to come across. That's all for now, until next time as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

The Ballad of Hoserfest part II: Trees that are more effective than Ben Bishop and the return to Lake Whittemore

2007-08-12T20:22:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Week: Pretty much anything that Doug said to the sound girl during the course of the "Hey Ya" fiasco

When we last left our beloved heroes, Grandpa was doing his best not to break anymore stuff at the camp, the Kazoo Hosers were attempting to determine if Reebok, Bauer, or Nike would gain the 1st major endorsement deal for their new line of Kazoos, Yours truly was attempting to contact the Surgeon General about the perils of playing Whitesnake at high decibels, OT Hoser was still laughing over the tubing follies of the Captain Hoser, and the Mainers were still continuing to fail at life.

The morning and the hangover came bright and early (for me anyway), and the lords and the masters of the land had a busy day ahead of them. This rigorous and perilous schedule included lounging around the camp, swimming, more swimming, laziness, and a little more swimming....Such a difficult life, but it's not like a Mainer is capable of keeping to this regimen without violating a horse or beating on a baseball team.

Of course, as a means of further training for the upcoming season, the Hosers prepared by beginning a strenuous regimen of the traditional Hoser tests of strategy, deception, and trickery: AKA Card games. Unfortunately these games evolved into a marathon type event that would have easily broken the feeble minded Mainers and would have surely frustrated the Brokeback College bags of douche more than their gambling failures. Of course just as it seemed yours truly was about to claim victory, the Kazoo Hosers promptly began a diabolical plot against those involved in the contest.

13 Hours and several curses, failed attempts, multiple knife attacks by Lowell Slum Scum, and unsuccessful bribery attempts later...I exited the game.

3 days later, the game apparently ended in a stalemate and alas, no victory lap practice for Godfather Hoser.

The aquatic contests began once again and the Hosers fine tuned their skills in the art of simple aquatic athletics. Unfortunately, we were forced to cancel the traditional midget long toss event as our midget traps failed to capture us a Zancanarro or a Gerbe. We even went as far as making a custom made trap in the hopes of catching us a Blaise, as shown here

After much deliberation and debate, it was determined that the MVP of the aquatic contests of the weekend was in fact...Madison the dog...And for the record Grandpa, snapping a noodle into while wearing it like a jock strap is not a feat of strength...

The time came to bid Bow Lake adieu, for it was time for the Hosers to venture to another majestic lake...Lake Whittemore for the 2007 Alumni Game, one of the few times of the year where it was an absolute certainty that the good guys in blue would win no matter what. In a related note, after much research and deliberation, it was determined, that not even Merrimack can muster a win in their own alumni game.

Twas a pleasant site to see the only goalie whose name begins with an exclamation once again( Yeah Jeff). Godfather Hoser also began a campaign to add more Hoser-esque dishes to the concessions menu. His confections were preffered by 10 out of 10 Hosers over most traditional dishes found in the Hoser-Dome...Though Smokey McHoser (yes everyone's favorite chain smoking Hoser has arrived at this point) found it to be blasphemy to put any food above the Nicco-dog.

Now one of the primary purposes of this gathering is for practicing for the upcoming season. And of course one of the most important aspects of any game is the "Hey Ya" ritual. Unfortunately, apparently one of my co-workers didn't appear to understand the cultural importance of several uncoordinated, extremely white, very goofy, and very strange Hosers attempting dance. So the ritual was somewhat delayed but it went off much to the excitement of humanity and to the despair of the Mainers. Of course the photo op was taken, and now you all have another photo to longingly stare at us (yes I know all of you mostly focus on me alone, it's OK to admit it)

And with the final buzzer, Hoserfest 07 came to a close. OT and Grandpa returned to their duties as being the only ray of hope in the desolation of Rhode Island, Godfather Hoser returned to his crime fighting duties on the mean streets of the West side of Manch-Vegas (His new crime drama, "Manch-Vegas" debuts next month), The Kazoo Hosers went back to work on their new album with P Diddy, Yours truly went back to my part time profession as a bounty hunter, Momma Hoser returned to her duties as the unofficial mother to half of Strafford County, and yours truly returned to my duties as the savior of humanity that's too busy with finding a good bar to worry about the world.

Thats all from Hoserfest 07, thanks to Darci, her folks, and all the residents of Bow Lake that endured our madness for a great weekend.

In the coming weeks, yours truly will further get you ready for the upcoming season (yes, I'll actually be talking hockey again!) with the new Hoser's Guide to Hockey East Rinks (not to be confused with the book that was ultimately replaced with Mappy McGee). Every rink will get a full Hoser review and guide to survival so all the masses will be fully prepared for the ignorant, inbreed, child molesting, and silver spoon sucking individuals you encounter throughout the Hockey East world. Until then as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

The Ballad of Hoserfest 07 Part I: Boozin, Cruisin, and Grandpa getting a bruisin from Darci's dock by Bow Lake

2007-08-06T20:55:00.000-04:00

Quote of the week:

"I don't know how you stayed up when you were on top of me."

-Grandpa Hoser

The offseason can be a boring, dull, and hockey-less world as we all know ladies and Hosers. There is however one weekend each summer where the planets align, the stars shine bright, and the Mainers further lament their cursed existence. I speak of course of the legendary weekend known as Hoserfest. A weekend of classic Hoser hullabaloo, drinking to the good life, the great Hoser tube battles, and whatever hi jinx we happen to wind up in.

Hoserfest with the joyous arrival of the Hosers by parachute, teleporation (cue teleport sound: BWEEEEEEEOOOOPPPP..thank you), chariot and steed, and my personal favorite, battleship being towed by the Loch Ness Monster. Right off the bat you could tell this was going to be a slightly different type of Hoserfest (other than the fact Captain Hoser brought booze from Asia) Yours truly had a feeling O.T Hoser and Grandpa Hoser had something up their sleeves (other than Patrone or Alzheimer's in Nick's case). It was then we discovered their plot....Ladies and gentlemen, the Hosers officially have their own line of Merchandise at last! The pair presented the rest of Hoser Nation with a complementary pair of the first ever Hoser t-shirts. Photos of what will be the biggest new fashion craze since BU fans attempting to steal Doc Hoser's wardrobe will be made available soon. The Hoser Nation Store will be opening soon as a result and will soon sport more merchandising deals than Michael Vick at the moment.

The beer and liquor flowed like river water, but apparently it was enough liquor to lure Blaise into our midst so we could have our charity midget toss. After several more drinks, it was clear that the logical step was to sail the waters of Bow Lake at high speed while being dragged around on a tube that would probably make sober people sick at times. To sum up the afternoon of tubing, I crashed and burned alot...but finally won out a battle on the last try (I find crashing is just as much fun as the ride itself). Momma Hoser of course defended her reign as ruler of the lake, but Captain Hoser provided the most humor with his sudden grappling matches with the tube (Token Hoser was somewhat redeemed by this after last years epic battle he had with a stationary tube in more shallow waters)

The next event came the classic game of Minority in the Middle. It was at this time, that Grandpa Hoser proved Darci wrong, by showing her once and for all just which plank in her dock was in fact the defective one. Unfortunately, he was unable to definitively prove once and for all that a floatation noodle is best suited when worn in the pantalones. Grandpa Hoser was 2 for 2 on the evening in breaking Darci's stuff.

The night wore on and we Hosers set ourselves up the traditional fire to discuss the plans for the upcoming season including the journey to North Dakota, the dangers of playing Whitesnake too loudly, what Grandpa Hoser was going to break next, more dangers involved with Whitesnake (apparently I repeated this part several times, but I think Sam Adams was the one doing the repeating), there whereabouts of the mysterious Hosehead, and of our travels this offseason.

One such issue on our agenda was the question of who would serve as the next radio commentator for the good guys in blue. Hoser Nation obviously should have some say in this matter, so we have a few candidates in mind: Doc Hoser (he did go drinking once with Johnny Most, Derek Sanderson, and Harry Carray a few times in his ancient youth), I recommend Robbie Barker for his award winning performance on NESN, Don Cherry, and Dennis Leary to name a few...Worst case scenario, you'd get any combination of myself, Smokey McHoser, Grandpa, and Hosehead. By the middle of the 1st period, Marty would put us on the shelf with Black Betty.

When the fire went out, we retired for the evening knowing part II of our latest epic journey would await us in the form of our return to the HoserDome. Part II will be posted in due time, soon we will have the latest Hoser Nation Merchandise Catalog out complete with the t-shirts that could even make the most diehard Brokeback College douchebag flip their collars down, as well as the possible line of jerseys, tuques, mittens, mullet attire, and even a line of skates. To be continued, until then as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Summertime Mail Call

2007-07-27T00:46:00.000-04:00

Quote/video/random thing of the week: This Public Service Announcement will not only keep even Smokey McHoser from smoking, but it shows the dangers of ingesting large amounts of steroids and cocaine

Well, now with that done with, it's been awhile since we've looked in the Hoser Nation mailbag, lord knows how many pathetic Mainers have jumped off bridges thinking we've been ignoring them, which we have. Let's get into it, 1st up we've got Debbie from Sandown:

Dear Hosers,

Alot of cultures have myths and stories about alot of unusual creatures (Yeti, Bigfoot, the LochNess Monster, Oggie Ogglethorpe) Does Hoser Nation have any stories like that?

Why yes we do Debbie. Gather around children, and I will tell you a tale of a horrifying and pitiful beast. There has long been stories and rumors of a monstrous oaf that roams the incest laden land of Maine, this unusual creature is said to rarely go into public, except at night, when it goes into the barns of Maine to stalk it's prey. No it does not slaughter the livestock, but it does assault it in a very disturbing way...This is the tale of Barnyard Ben. Several farmers have claimed to have found proof of Barnyard Ben's dirty deeds done to sheep all across Northern Maine. It has reached such epidemic levels that this mythical moron is the reason that the barns of Maine now include locks and cameras. But that has never stopped him. These are the 2 best known photographs of this elusive best, shown here, and here (#30). Then again many scientists have dismissed this myth as it is widely known that the description and behaviors of Barnyard Ben are not really different at all from the rest of the Mainer population.

Next up we have Mark from the Mecca of Civilized man better known as Londonderry:

Hosers!
I've heard there is quite the guest list in store for this years edition of Hoserfest, care to elaborate?

Excellent timing for this question Mark. It just so happens I have the agenda of events and the special guest list for Hoserfest 07, and it includes events such as:
-The red carpet arrival of all the Hosers
-2007 UNH Hockey Alumni Game
-Hosers on the lake
-Rum!!!
-The annual congress of Hosers session by campfire
-A number of possible quotebook worthy sayings (mostly from Darci more than likely)
-Special Guest appearances and performances by: Aerosmith, Dave Matthews, Dropkick Murphy's, Tom Brady, David Hasselhoff, Jessica Alba (if she ever gets off of me), Daisuke Matsuzaka, Jack Nicholson, Bobby Orr, Scarlett Johanssen (if she ever gets tired of me) and Pearl Jam.

Finally.......oh..what a surprise....the next 2,000 letters are all from "Shawwwn", and he asks in all 2,000 letters:

HEY HOSERS!!!!!!!!!
How about me being on that guest list for Hoserfest?

Well "Shawwwn", getting on the guest list is tough, but I'll give you a chance, if you can successfully defend an all out blitz from the entire New England Patriots Defensive corps, break Dave Ball's touchdown record in a single game, and defeat Ahhnold in an arm wrestling match.....then we'll think about it.

That's all for now, check back in the coming weeks for the Hoserfest recap, stay classy and as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

A Hoser's Guide to Fenway Park...Always a wicked pissah!

2007-07-06T22:10:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Week:"Yeah.....you hit more home runs than a guy with ALS."

-OT Hoser

Lets start with some very good news ladies and Hosers. As of last week, it is almost but certain that I have secured myself a season ticket for the upcoming season. So all in Hoser Nation can rejoice in what will be my triumphant second coming to Durham, while the Mainers, douchebags, and other haters can...well...continue to suck.

Now of course there is no real substitute for hockey season. The offseason can be a long and drawn out thing to endure, but being the resourceful beings we Hosers are, we always find our ways to get by. One of the best offseason activities is a true right of passage for New Englanders alike, of course I speak of our beloved Red Sox.

There is no experience quite like a Sox game at Fenway. From the party like atmosphere of Yawkey Way, to the imposing Green Monster and the rest of the parks relatively unchanged historic structures, Fenway is a one of a kind place for any sports fan. My one summertime tradition is to do my best to make a pilgrimage to Fenway at least once a summer. Recently I made my 1st trip to see the Sox take on the devil rAAAys, and get my 1st real look at Japanese pitching sensation Daisuke Matsuzaka. After this trip, I've decided to take my experiences and compile for all of you a guide to Fenway Park written by a Hosers, for all my beloved Hosers

-1st off, the long standing belief that all out of staters under 25 are unable to purchase alcohol at the park unless they use their passport...ERRONEOUS!!!! This myth was put to the test in my most recent visit, and it was discovered that it is largely the bartender's discretion of whether to serve or not. You still have to take out a mortgage on any property you may own to get 2 beers though

-For the more serious baseball fan, I encourage getting into the park early and take in Batting practice, you can roam around more of the park, and possibly snag a souvenir

-The single most addictive piece of nourishment known to man is still the Fenway Frank. Even the mind clouding ambrosia of the Dartmouth Niccodog cannot match the Fenway Frank. Knowing it's addictiveness, Fenway has slowly been jacking up the prices so that those hooked on this cocaine of meat byproducts must pay more and more each time they crave a fix.

-Not singing along to "Sweet Caroline" is a crime comparable to that of witchcraft

-If you are really asking for it*, then you're more than likely going to get it(v).

*= By asking for it, I mean any person wearing the attire that supports the opposition (especially NY) and blatantly flaunting such attire in an obnoxious manner while behaving like a complete ass for the purposes of antagonizing the good people of Red Sox Nation

(v)= By getting it, I mean receiving the standard "Yankees Suck" serenade, having your sexuality questioned, being challenged to a fight outside, having food thrown at you, being cussed, cursed, insulted, and in some cases thrown out of Fenway

-When someone begins a "Yankees Suck" chant, it is the sworn duty of those around this person to join in, no matter how shitfaced this person maybe

-Dice K is nasty

-When "Shipping up to Boston" comes on over the loud speakers late in the game, it more than likely means the game is pretty much over for the other team

-It is extremely rude to stand up and move out of your seat during the course of an inning, please wait till between innings to move

-There are plenty of Bars around the Fenway area that will allow you to properly begin your pregame beverage intake, while not having to put your car up for sale in order to afford it

-Seriously, its not cool to stand up and move around in the middle of the inning

-Whether it's the Monster Seats, or the Grandstands, any seat is a good seat at Fenway

-SIT THE FUCK DOWN LADY, YOUR BATHROOM BREAK CAN WAIT!!!!!!!

-Just like Hockey, stay till the end, lord knows how much you've spent to be there, make your money worth it

-The man who taught Babe Ruth his home run stroke in his days in Boston....You guessed it, his poker buddy Grandpa Hoser, so those 1st few World Series wins were all because of him....Unfortunately, you can say the same for the Curse of the Bambino

-Never mention the following names in Fenway: Aaron Boone, Bucky bleepin Dent, Mookie Wilson, Grady Little, and Roger Clemens (unless his name is followed by "is an asshole")

-The Yankees Suck chant works even when we aren't even playing the Yankees for another month

-M-A-I-N-E! Maainnneee SUCKS! (I haven't made a Mainer joke yet, so it had to be done)

-Bring a camera if you can, there aren't too many bad pictures you can take in this park

That's all for now Hosers, I also recommend making trips to Minor League ball to see the future of the game, such as the Paw Sox, Sea Dogs, or the Fisher Cats (Hoser outing to a Fisher Cats game perhaps? just a thought).

Oh ya, the waters of Lake Whittemore are frozen and painted once again by my artistic hand. One step closer to the season..Until next time as always

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Hoser Headlines: Drunk Midgets in Lowell, Brokeback Canuck, and more examples of Mainer Scum

2007-07-04T12:20:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Week:
Drunk NY Fan: "lets go Yankees! Lets go Yank....
Angry Drunk Guy: "FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCK!!!!"
-and we were playing the Devil Rays this game

Apologies for the inactivity as of late Ladies and Hosers, a lot of running around the last week and a half. Hope you all are having an excellent Fourth of July and are celebrating the birth of our nation in the recommended manner of blowing stuff up with colorful and loud explosives. And now on to the headlines!

-The raves went silent and the glow sticks went out at Brokeback College this past week after it was reported that Aiello's favorite Cuddlesieve, Cory Schneider turned in his popped collar pink shirt and departed for Vancouver. Before he departed for Canada, the now former BC Douchebag made the following statement explaining his choice to head for British Columbia and his true ambition in life. Meanwhile back on Chestnut Hill, Aiello has been reportedly in a severe state of grief over the loss of his precious cuddlesieve, but was consoled when Gerbe offered to be his teddy bear for bedtime again.

-Our reporter in the field, Grandpa Hoser has been hard at work as of late digging for all sorts of stories of shortcomings and failures from those we tend to look down upon and not really pity a whole lot, here's a summary of some of the stories he uncovered.

Sometime ago, MSNBC started an on air program designed to uncover pedophiles and expose them for the scumbags they are. This recently discovered video found on youtube shows one such segment from this program. Once you see here what this particular deviant has to say, and importantly, what team he supports (look at his hat), you'll know why it of interest to Hoser Nation

-In another Hockey East related news, UML River Pigeons head coach was arrested on charges of Drunken Driving after being found passed out in his car with several cans of beer and bottle of vodka. In response to this, UML suspended the coach. Police reported that the booking process for Blaise took a lot longer than usual, as police had to turn the station upside down to find a milk crate big enough for Blaise to stand on to get into camera view for his mugshot. Police also had to explain to him that even though he was well above the legal blood alcohol level, he still was not above the height level for riding the roller coaster.

Good work on Nick's part for finding all these interesting pieces of knowledge. Once again Grandpa has proven that even people who are of an extremely ancient age can be useful to society....Or maybe just extremely ancient Hosers such as him and Doc Hoser.

That's all the news for now, be sure to check back soon, as I will be publishing the 1st ever Hoser's Guide to Fenway after my most recent journey to Yawkey Way as per my summer traditions. Have a safe and happy Independence Day to all Hosers and even non-Hosers, and until next time as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

Hoser Headlines:Live from NH, its the NHL Draft in Columbus

2007-06-22T20:39:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Week:
“The teams made it clear to me that they thought Major Junior was the better route,” vanRiemsdyk said. “That’s where they would rather have me play next year because there are more games and it’s supposedly tougher hockey. … I couldn’t be any happier with my choice.”

-#2 Pick in the 2007 NHL Draft pick, and incoming UNH frosh, James vanRiemsdyk on choosing UNH over Juniors

Well ladies and Hosers, there comes a time once every year when dreams can come true for anyone who spent their childhoods on frozen ponds dreaming of making it to the NHL, it's also a day where the worlds of College and Pro Hockey collide. The 2007 NHL Draft took place in Columbus, Ohio tonight, and yours truly was kicking back to enjoy what would be a particularly interesting draft for the Good Guys in Blue. Here are some notes and other observations

-Gary Bettman gets booed everywhere he goes, I wouldn't be surprised if his cat boos him whenever he comes home

-The commentators certainly made a big deal over JVR committing to playing for the Good Guys in Blue, mostly because of the daunting size of Lake Whittemore. Clearly they forgot to mention that skating for the home team at Lake Whittemore comes complete with the full support of Hoser Nation, as well as a fruit basket that we made sure Nick didn't sit on

-I think the Phoenix Coyotes have a certain advantage when it comes to singing young players, really, all they got to say is "You get to have Wayne Gretzky as a coach" and most kids instantly say yes, Keith Johnson of course has a reverse affect even if he mentions Wayne Gretzky.

-Once again, I was passed over at the draft.....sigh

-Montreal still sucks, even New York agrees

-Did anyone else notice whose logo was on JVR's tie?

-The NHL again missed out on the opportunity to draft legendary star of the Flin Flon Lagerheads, Jaromir Yacobson

-The Bruins unfortunately missed out getting JVR, but its always good to see my personal favorite player of all time, Cam Neely still being involved with the Bruins. Very impressed with the new look for them by the way

-Pick #17, Charpenov has got a mullet even Barry Melrose would be impressed with

-Montreal sucks, and the Mainers suck even more and they didn't even have much to do with this draft

On to some of the questions regarding the highest picked UNH recruit that we all will be spending the summer and beginning of the fall pondering

-Will a Philly Chesesteak be enough to lure JVR away from Durham?
All indications say that he will be in Durham for the upcoming season, which is really a refreshing thing to see as many are lured away by temptations of the Pro leagues

-If JVR does keep to his committed course, just how long will he skate the waters of Lake Whittemore?
Most say he will be there only a single season, some optimists say 2

-And most importantly, is he the "chosen one"?
Being the highest selected NHL Draftee of UNH recruits, having passed over several other highly regarded prospects, his dominance in the Five Nations Tournament, and his commitment to wearing Wildcat blue suggests that he just might be the player that will be the catalyst that this team has needed to get that level. This question will be answered in time.

Congrats the JVR and all the other draftees on their great night. Hope all you Hosers and Non-Hosers are having a good summer thus far, be sure to stay tuned for more Red Sox type news, misadventures in the real world, the eventual news regarding Hoserfest, and other tales of Hoser Greatness. Until next time as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

A Hoser's Guide to Saving the NHL

2007-06-15T19:24:00.000-04:00

Well ladies and Hosers, Hockey Season is officially done with in North America with the NHL closing shop. Congrats to Anaheim for their 1st cup after they easily shellaced NOttawa in 5 Games. But like usual with the NHL, it was another season of terrible exposure and lack thereof, even worse attendance at the arena gates, and more and more fans being alienated.

Now, I know some of you aren't exactly fans of the pro game and that's perfectly fine, honestly I myself being raised on watching the Black and Gold at the Hockey Holy Ground better known as Boston Garden, find it hard to watch the pro game nowadays. You can blame this on Gary "League Killer" Bettman, the recent lockout, and Hockey just not being accepted in America, but this Hoser is optimistic the league can be saved. So after some deep thought, extreme boredom, and a little of the official drink of the Prime Minster, Ive compiled a list of things that could save the NHL.

1. Dump Bettman and maybe most of the current regime
You can't fix something until you remove one of the primary causes of the problem. The Players Union morons partly responsible for the lockout have been given the boot, its time the other morons responsible got it, especially the moron whose every decision led from bad to worse. A sports writer had an interesting idea for a possible replacement for Bettman, a certain NHL legend who started out as just another Pond Hockey star from Parry Sound, Ontario (I better not have to explain who I mean).

2. Contraction and or relocation:

Hockey in the south for the most part has been an utter failure. Dallas and Tampa have found a way to thrive in their non-traditional markets and have both won cups, but the most success alot of the other teams below the mason-dixon line have had is a whiff of the playoffs and are filling their buildings at a Merrimack-esque rate (when the Hosers aren't there of course). My suggestion is to contract or relocate: Florida, Phoenix, Nashville (already on their way out apparently), and Atlanta. And if you want to relocate a team, I'm begging the NHL to stay away from another team in Texas or a Las Vegas team. Bring teams back to Canada where the arenas will fill up with raucous fans (did somebody say Moose Factory?), Wisconsin could be an interesting spot considering the NHL is back in Minnesoter (A new twist to the Border Battle?). Seattle might work (a rivalry with the Canucks could be made from it). But I would be Providancing over seeing the return of the Quebec Nordiques, Winnipeg Jets, Hamilton Tigers (from waayyyyyyy back in the day, the hall of fame doesn't even own one of their jerseys they go that far back). And of course, there wouldn't be a complaint if this team made a return.

3. Get the big name players, in the big markets

Alexander Ovechkin has got more goal scoring ability than Keith Johnson has 12 year-olds on his buddy list, sorry Caps fans, but a guy like him belongs in NY, Boston, LA, Boston, or Boston.

4. Fighting: Have at you!

Some people say fighting has no place in hockey, I say you have no place in hockey if you are afraid to drop those gloves in the name of standing up for a teammate, yourself, and the entire team. What doesn't belong in hockey are blatant cheap shots that are completely reckless and dangerously and often committed in the most cowardly fashion. I'm not saying that fighting will eliminate such acts, but with less emphasis on eliminating it, players wont be so hesitant to go face to face to solve a conflict rather than resort to chicken shit stuff behind the play (see Todd Bertuzzi).

5. Get Hockey back on ESPN

Who's idea was it to put hockey on a network that most people don't even have let alone one that doesn't even know how to work a camera to cover the game properly? We need National Hockey Night back, we need that weekly fix of Barry Melrose and his plague curing mullet.

6. More Grapes Now!!

Hearing the legendary Don Cherry speak during the playoffs on American television was the single best part of the playoffs. I don't care how many European Nations he offends, Hoser Nation will grant him Amnesty worldwide if he does more games on American TV. Have him do games alongside that mullet and your ratings will skyrocket. Right now those numbers are so low, they make a Mainers GPA look like something redeeming. In fact I will pay for his ticket and most other expenses if Don Cherry made an appearance at the Hoser-Dome

7. Stop bitching about low scoring games

All it means is that goalies are getting better, and scorers are going to have to get more creative with their techniques. I'd rather see a nail biting 2-1 game than a 9-7 game where even the Popcorn guy can score on the sieves involved

8. Get the big name teams out of the mire and cellars

Here comes my Bruins rant. Original 6 teams like Boston and Chicago should have packed houses and should be in some form of contention. But scumbag money grubbing owners like Jeremy Jacobs, consistently provide just enough money to management to create a mediocre on-ice product and then jack up ticket prices enough to get the fans away in staggering numbers. Get rid of these disease like owners, put better players on the ice, and then the big markets will make the rest of the league better.

9. Rivalries Rivalries Rivalries

Part of what makes college hockey so great is how much a game against your arch nemesis means to the team and fans alike. Market the big rivals like Bruins vs Habs, Flames vs Oilers, Wings vs Avalanche, Sens vs Leafs etc.

10. I can't stress this enough

Nobody goes to hockey games at the NHL level because they can't afford the tickets, and they don't watch cause the only TV deal they got is with a network that does a better job covering bullriding. Lower ticket prices, and again, get the NHL back on a real sports network.

That's my rant for this week, stay tuned for more ramblings, and oh yeah, if Hoser Nation even gets thrown into the hat for getting our own NHL franchise, I propose the name of the "Flin Flon Fighting Lagerheads!"

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Post #60: Hoser Begins: A History of Hoserdom

2007-06-09T23:22:00.000-04:00

Quote of the week: I couldn't let this one go unrecognized

Rouge:"Hey, I know how to bribe Nick and Jay into buying into it if I ever felt like a mutiny"
Erinn:"Oh? with Jose? haha"
Rouge:"That or a new type of baked good that is actually a sepository"
Erinn:"HAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
Rouge:"Frosting and prostate enriching nutrients!"
Erinn:"eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwwwww"
Rouge:"Could always make it in chicken parm flavor?"

A recent development has come to my attention ladies and Hosers. Many individuals have asked just how all of this began, and by that I mean, this little blog, the legendary tales of our greatness, and just where the identity of Hoser came from. Well yours truly will dedicate post #60 to answering all those questions.

How did the name "Hosers" come about?

It began a several thousand millenia ago (aka my sophomore year).The actual word Hoser was found in a classic holiday tune composed by the original great Hoser Prophets, Bob and Doug MacKenzie. Upon discovery of this majestic hymn, a small cadre of noble gentlemen and one lady delved deeper into the meaning of this word. After much research, it was discovered that the term Hoser meant "A clumsy, boorish person, especially a beer drinking man". With this revelation, it was concluded that this little group that originally made the discovery fit this definition fairly well. This original group of Hosers consisted of those that we now know as the Queen, the Prime Minister, the infamous Baron Von Hosehead (Marcel),and Bos Hoser (aka Stonewall O' Sullivan or whatever other name Mr. Yacobson gives him at random moment). At this point we used the teachings of the MacKenzie Bros to form the 1st and only Spanish-French Canadian broomball team called "Los Nordiques". From there we brought those teachings into the Hoser-Dome and to the special row. From there, the legendary society of scholars, innovators, defenders, and still clumsy and boorish boozers was born. Apparently ancient Canadian artists saw this coming thousands of years in advance, as this work of art was recently found in the hills of Flin Flon, Manitoba

How did the Hoser Nation scriptures come about?

One night while standing guard at the Hoser Dome, it occurred to me that throughout our time, we have had so many adventures and so many brilliant nuggets of knowledge, and yet only a few people knew of them. Of course the fact that I was incredibly bored at the time contributed to it as well. So on a cold night in October, your great, powerful, and devastatingly handsome Prime Minister created a blog designed to tell the tales of our travels and also of the absurdness of my workplace at the Whitt. Needless to say, I didn't exactly expect it to be as popular as it has been.....OK ya I did see it all coming. Since that one night in October, the blog has become more of a guide to life for the misguided and a great source of humor that was often at the expense of the Mainers and common douchebags from Brokeback College.

Thats all for now Hosers, but before I go, some good news from the Hoser Dome. We inching our way one step closer to another season of shenanigans as the ice will be brought back and painted in the 1st week of July! If I am once again putting my artistic mastery to work, Ill be looking to provide you all a photo expose of it all. Until next time, remember the motto we the Original Hosers laid down those thousands of years ago, "There is no "I" in Hoser" and as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge

Hoser Headlines: The Cup, The Sox, and the escapades of A-Fraud

2007-06-02T20:40:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Week:
"Where is Roger?"
-Red Sox Nation in unison to the Yankees

Well ladies and Hosers, another week, another edition of ramblings and literary butchering that would make Shakespeare crap his pants in the grave. Keep those additions to the Hoser's Code coming. I think it's about time we addressed some of the more recent goings on in the sporting world.

The Stanley Cup
Unfortunately, this will mark the 35th straight year that Lord Stanley's Cup will spend a summer away from it's rightful home on Causeway St. This years edition of poorly covered Stanley Cup action has pitted the Nottawa Senators and the Lame Ducks of Wanaheim. So far in this series, the Lame Ducks have taken an early 2-0 series lead over Nottawa. Unfortunately, for the Sens, they are unable to call for the invaluable assistance of Matt "I made the Cup with only my toes" Fornataro to get a clear way out of the hole they are in. Wanaheim on the other hand has already earned an honor before the finals even began. Lame Ducks goon extraordinaire George Parros has recently claimed the Hoser Nation Mustache of the Year award with his classic Super Villain look as seen to the right.

College Hockey
BREAKING NEWS!!! Maine is still an irredeemable cesspool that serves as a home to cheating, inbred, animal assaulting deviants that are also pedophiles.
In other news, Brokeback College named NH native and former US Gold Medalist Katie King their new head coach in Women's Hockey. Now while I'm sure the women's team wont be using Madonna's "Like A Virgin" as their locker room theme song, it will remain the theme for the BC Women's superfans. The team will use a remastered version of a Dave Matthew's classic, appropriately titled "So Mutch to Say".

The Red Sox
There aren't enough good things we can say about the old town team and their hot start thus far. There are also not enough things we can say about that team of overpaid and broken down chumps from New York. I could go on forever about how the once mighty Mariano Rivera fell faster than Chris Bourque's BU GPA. We could even further delve into how they have burned on the likes of Crazy Carl Pavano, No Show Roger Clemens, Bobby "special K'd" Abreu, and Kei "Not Daisuke" Igawa. But instead we are gonna focus on the single largest prime example of what it means to be an NY Skank. When you think of an overpaid,cheating, arrogant, useless, selfish, waste of a roster spot that has that certain essence of scumbag about them, you must be thinking of the one and only A-Fraud. As if his over sized contract, infamous limp wristed purse slap in 04, his recent display of Proviced like goonery against the Sox on Dustin Pedroia, and his general demeanor that has the more respectable NY fans hating him, he's at again. Some of you I'm sure has heard of his recent Mainer-esque cheating up in Toronto which involved him yelling a deceptive "mine" to a 3rd basemen which resulted in his team scoring a run en route to a win. And the papers and other tabloids wont let us forget that he was spotted heading to a strip club with a blond woman that was not his wife. Now of course Red Sox Nation was not going to let this incident go unnoticed. In fact, the faithful even found A-Fraud a whole contingency of gorgeous blonde's for him to choose from.

In other Sox related news, this season will mark the 1st time that the San Francisco Giants will be making a visit to Fenway. This of course means the face of the Balco Corp will be in town. That's right ladies and Hosers, the Kingpin of steroids Barry Bonds will face the Green Monster. My sources from Boston, have reported that tickets for this interleague match up has been all the talk at Brokeback College, as several BC Douchebags have attempted to setup a gathering for them to meet with any San Franciscans making the trip. The gathering has been tentatively titled "The fabulously collar up meet and greet". Hoser Nation also managed to get a quick interview with Barry Bonds to get his thoughts on his 1st trip to Boston. This video provides a short summary of how this interview went.

That's all your news for now, stay tuned for your weekly fix of all the Hoser goodness you could ever ask for

Good day, Eh
Rouge

Ye olde commandments of being a Hoser (with additions)

2007-05-27T00:17:00.000-04:00

Quote of the week:

"Ladies! Will you please shut it? Listen to me. Yes, I lied to you. No, I don't love you. Of course it makes you look fat. I've never been to Brussels. It is pronounced "egregious". By the way, no, I've never met Pizzaro but I love his pies. And all of this pales to utter insignificance in light of the fact that my ship is once again gone. Savvy? "
-The legendary Captain Jack Sparrow

We'll ladies and Hosers, we have officially entered those dog days of summer. The Stanley Cup will once again spend a summer away from it's rightful home on Causeway St, The Monarchs bowed out of the playoffs (that's what you get for having so many Brokeback College castoffs on your team), the Sox keep on rolling, and the NY Skanks are going to hell almost as fast as the state of Maine. Just to keep you all entertained and educated, I recently came across an article on Barstool Sports that pertains to our douchebag friends in Newton (Not Boston, no matter how much they complain in their usual lisp).

And to answer all other questions, Erinn, the real world so far is a strange place filled with dumb people, little logic, and terrible gas prices, and yes the greater Manch-Vegas area remains intact despite me being back and running amok. In Not too long ago, I had myself an Epiphany (for all the Mainers attempting to read here, an Epiphany is a Revelation of sorts, such as the one you should have regarding how wrong your lifestyle of cheating the NCAA, assaulting barnyard livestock, using family reunions as a dating service, and attempting to hookup with underage minors, truly is). We noble Hosers have been operating under a certain code of conduct that has remained unspoken for sometime now. In recent times however, we have seen a certain interest grow in other people wishing to join our motley crew. So I feel it is now time that I exert my authority as the great, powerful, wise, debonair, and devastatingly handsome Prime Minister, and officially put the Code of the Hoser in Writing so that all can know and behold.

I. There is no "I" in Hoser. Always look out for your fellow Hoser and leave no Hoser in need behind

II. There are only 3 teams we support in College Hockey: UNH (above all others), and whoever beats BC and the Mainers (only when UNH is not involved and/or the outcome benefits UNH)

III. Anything said among Hosers is up for being taken out of context and recorded in the quote book upon the discretion of Godfather Hoser, the official and noble keeper and scribe of the quote book.

IV. First to arrive, last to leave: We stand behind that which we support from start to finish

V. It is NEVER OK to be a Mainer

VI. The following are acceptable manners of saving seats: hats, coats, scarves, jerseys, shirts, pants, blood, appendages, food. Be creative

VII. Real men wear Navy and White

VIII. Real women wear Navy and White

IX. A true Hoser makes as many games as humanly possible, home and away

X. Don't try and sit in Darci's seat, it's just wrong and not worth the headache that will follow

XI. The seating order is to be maintained by any means necessary (ex Erinn, Nick, Matt, Darci, Jay, Namrata, Ankur, Rouge, Hosehead. etc. correct me if wrong)

XII. Anything seen in any Doc Hoser's photographic genius, is to be taken as true to life

XIII. Be Classy Not Umassy. Stupid and Classless neanderthals have no place in the rink

XIV. Thou shalt dub any person who drops an item or misses catching an item tossed in their general direction, a sieve

XV. Thou shalt wear White in a white out...NO EXCUSES

XVI. Seats are meant to be used during intermissions and timeouts only. If they can't sit, why should we?

XVII. The roadways in New Jersey are evil and are to be avoided by any means needed

XVIII. No Hoser nor any human being for that manner, shall pop their collar, unless they do so to mock BC or other forms of douchebag

XIX. No opposing goaltender is to feel safe in our presence, in fact bonus points are given for making them cry (Smokey's Law)

XX. At least one backup cowbell is to be brought to every game necessary, at least 4 cowbells is mostly encouraged in the event of Tsongas Stormtroopers

XXI. All potential candidates attempting to earn Hoser status must complete a rigorous training recommendation in which each full fledged Hoser shall contribute their own test to the process

XXII. Any form of techno music is to be accompanied by some form of dance (Hey ya, Puckhead, Provi-dance) or any other form of dance that may cause others to look at us in dumbfounded awe. Glowsticks are encouraged for Brokeback College games

XXIII. Any moments of very poor judgement, violation of the above codes, statements being made that had no forethought put into them, acts of sievery, and actions of inexplicable and stupefying nature, are subject to ridicule by wearing a pinkhat

XXIV. It is the duty of every Hoser to point out a person with an extraordinary mullet (think Melrose), any person brave enough to wear any attire that says "Merrimack College Hockey", and or prime examples of the common Mainer. See example here and here for reference.

XXV. Anything said by Marty Scarrano is nothing more than erroneous, false, a load of crap, and a boldfaced lie

XXVI. Pajama day is a sacred and religious day designed to celebrate the greatness of wearing pajamas at the game...So wear your damn jammies, or be ridiculed or shunned

XXVII. The Hosers alone hold the right to sneak large quantities of food into ye olde Hoser Dome, particularly those of the baked confection variety

XXVIII. During road trips exceding the normal driving time by an extreme amount, Godfather Hoser, and OT Hoser are to be designated Pilot and Co-pilot. The rest of us would rather sleep, it apparently makes the trip go by faster, and im a terrible co-pilot anyway

XXIX. Anything said or done by Hosers shall never be taken personally, no matter how offensive. Particularly Grandpa Hoser as he suffers from a rare and traumatic form of dimentia he acquired from too much marker aromatherapy.

XXX. Rule XXIX does not apply when the Hosers are aiming their offensiveness towards a person of the Mainer variety. It is then purely intended to be offensive and painfully true

XXXI. Placing items along the dasher of the special row in certain areas (cough, cough, Nick) is an acceptance of the risks that come with having sort of item in that vicinity

XXXII. Baked goods are to be consumed in the traditional manner, and not in the sepository type of consumption practiced by Grandpa Hoser

XXXIII. Never steal the Prime Minister's rum........ever

XXXIV.violation of the above code are subject to the following punishments depending upon the severity of the violation: Banishment, 30 strikes by thunderstix, shunning, being made to stand in certain locations without the aid of markers, wearing of the dunce tuque, imprisonment at McHassfocker Penitentiary in Orono, Death by bulldozer, Death by Zamboni, Death by Maggie Joyce, Death by Maggie Joyce on the Zamboni, and Death by Maggie Joyce on the Zamboni and bulldozer.

Any additional legislation that ye feels need may leave their suggestions here, otherwise that is all for now, Hosers dismissed.

Good day Eh!

Rouge

The End: Ponchos, Presidents not named Smokey,Proof of a Hoserboard, and being edumacated

2007-05-21T13:13:00.000-04:00

Quote of the Week:
"I guess this is proof you really did spend at least some time outside of rinks and bars"
-Dad on me graduating

Now that the smoke has all cleared, It's time to treat you ladies and Hosers to a Hoser Report Graduation Style. That's right, two of Hoser Nation's very own earned the right to wear a black gown and walk around with cardboard squares on our heads. Of course, it would almost be considered a war crime for noble Hosers such as myself and Darci, to have a graduation that could be compared to any other previous ones in the history of Durham. So we had not one but two former Presidents of the United States on hand to send us off into the absurdness of the real world.

Im sure UNH tried to go for a Presidential Hat Trick by getting President Elect Smokey McHoser to come and speak, but it can be assumed that he declined the invite since his speech would probably be so overwhelmingly enlightening to our classmates and parents, that their heads would explode (like when a Mainer finally does realize 2+2=4). And of course we can assume he would have brought nicco-dogs and then Clinton and Bush would have gotten hooked on them, then the rest of the convocation would have, and then the next thing we know we have around 20,000 addicts going through withdrawals.

In regards to the ceremony itself, Hoser Nation now has undeniable proof that UNH can in fact afford an actual video screen that could be place inside the Hoser-Dome. Lobbying to have the soon to be dubbed "Hoser-tron" video board moved to the Whitt will begin soon. So Matt, you can stop trying to win the lottery for those purposes.

There was a strange sense of Deja-Vu on my part as this would be the second time id be having a graduation ceremony in the rain. But like usual, no rain, no sleet, no hurricane, no Tornadoes, no flooded parking lots, nor Mainers and their inbred animal assaulting ways would keep Hosers from their goals.

Bush and Clinton not surprisingly delivered very enlightening and powerful speeches. They kept talks of the war out of their speeches, and kept the top secret US-Hoser Collaborative efforts to have Maine separated from the rest of the Union, so that it might float out to sea, and subsequently become Greenland's problem. Unfortunately, the presidential pair were unable to stay and further greet us Hosers, but we made sure they received their honorary degrees and golden tuques for all their humanitarian efforts. And Clinton made sure all the female graduates and Interm President Newman got his secret cell phone number. Speakers for next year have already been nominated. Such nominees include, Matt "I don't need no stinkin Secret Service" Fornataro, Dave Matthews (mostly due to persistent urgings from certain Hosers), Bob and Doug McKenzie, David Hasselhoff after he's had a few down at Libby's, Lewis Black, and myself.

UNH of course made sure us Hosers were among those receiving their doctorates. They were in the ultra difficult but extremely important field of Hoserology. However, it shall remain that Doc Hoser, is the only one of us that can be legally called "Doc".

Tassels turned, hats thrown, degree covers handed out, job done! Unfortunately I'm lacking photography from the ceremony that I was hoping to get for all you Hosers, and for all those sad sick fools in Orono who need heroes to look up to that wont assault baseball teams. The remainder of the day consisted of a healthy regimen of packing, celebrating, beers while packing and celebrating (yes, I am really that good). Sunday however, the celebration gave way to a more solemn moment. The skies weeped as yours truly bid farewell to Hoser Tower and rode off into the sunset. But not before the Gables Complex was treated to one more loud "broadcast" from my abode. We made sure "Life is Life" was among the final songs played.

Congrats to the UNH Class of 2007. No matter how much the school fucked with us, we all made it! Best of luck of course to the Queen in her continuing education (by that I mean her, educating the masses of Durham), though I imagine Durham is a much bleaker place without my handsome face around. Also of note, OT Hoser continues to encounter a monumental task that would leave others dumbfounded: Dealing with the evident shortcomings and stupidity that is Beancan University. Of course we have nothing but faith in her abilities to succeed.

Be sure to stay tuned for my ramblings on the Red Sox, my attempts to figure out this thing called the real world, and a Hoserfest update when they become available. Until next time as always,

Good day, Eh!
Rouge

The Last Stand of a Hoser

2007-05-15T21:37:00.000-04:00

Quote of the week:
"That guy is so flaming his foot steps are smoldering"
-Anonymous

Well Ladies and Hosers, My days left as a student here in Durham are down to the single digits (those are the numbers that are less than 10 for all you Mainers that can count to 10). Besides my 3 finals and 2 papers, I had a lot of things to do before I ride off into the sunset. Here's a little recap of what I've been up these past few days.

As some of you are aware, The Hoser Dome played host to Ludacris on Cinco De Mayo. Now I must ask you all a certain question. Is there any chance that there wont be any form of deviant behavior at a rap concert on a college campus, just towards the end of the school year when spring is in full effect, on a day of the year that is notorious for consumption of booze? 114 people met the men and women in blue that night, of course ninety percent of those happy little individuals aren't even from our beloved campus. And no, I was not among those people locked up in the back of the Whitt. Need I present further proof that tequila is nothing but trouble, and coronas aren't much better.

Now onto the finals portion of my last week as a Durham resident. My schedule consisted of the following: 2 Papers and 3 Actual Exams. Not surprisingly, the UNH in their infinite wisdom decided to make sure I was taking said finals right up until the last possible day (can you blame them for wanting to keep me around for as long as they can?) In regards to finals, I have a special exclusive Hoser Nation discovery for all of you, not too long ago, my informants from across the globe discovered this actual scantron final exam from a living breathing UMaine Student who actually believes he really has any hope of getting anywhere in life. Unfortunately for the sad fool, this was a true false exam.

The University has certain policies when it comes to finals week. One such policy is that there be 24 hour quiet hours rule implemented on all on campus apartments and dorms. Now how can a Hoser such as I make a statement and leave an impression with such rules in place? But in order to work around such regulations, I would require assistance. So once again, I assembled the one of the greatest gatherings known to mankind. Thus, we set out on a quest to make the world a better place with our heartwarming and comical shenanigans. By use of all instruments of beverages and of extremely loud musical machinery we made certain the townspeople knew of our presence. We even treated the Gables to a fireworks display that had no actual fireworks to show. But we did not stop there. Being the benevolent gentlemen we are, we treated the Gables crowd to all sorts of musical enlightenment. Of course when we decided to play a few random sounds here and there certain people came out of the wood works to investigate the source. Not surprisingly plenty of obvious Mainers came out of nowhere when they heard our simulated barnyard sound effects, of course they thought it was their lucky day. The sound of what appeared to be a middle school bell brought Keith Johnson out of friggen nowhere shockingly.

On to Tuesday, after burning down a final in record time, I made my way over to work where I would get paid to sit around, eat pizza, talk hockey, and hang around a cadre of Hosers that I have not seen in some time. One striking observation of this gathering was that very few people dared to suggest anything whatsoever that just maybe interfere with our presence during the season (mwahahahahaha!!!) Once again unfortunately, my attempts to bring Rene Rancourt to the Hoser Dome were met with defeat. At the end of this meeting, the council of Hosers present all agreed on one thing for sure....We wanted it to be hockey season already! Now the only issue remaining is if we do go with the plan to stow a certain Hoser of royalty in a hockey bag en route to North Dakota, do we be nice and fork over the money on a new bag, or should we be economical, and find a more "seasoned" bag?

To this day, people are still talking about the sonic treat we have provided the Gables thus far. Last night we treated the masses to puckhead, David Hasselhoff, and of course Numa Numa. Now here I sit with but one final left between me and my degree (that piece of paper that you get when you graduate college for all those Mainers out there). That's the short version of my activities thus far. I apologize in advance for the sappy and sentimental piece ill more than likely do up for graduation which will include various thank you's and such. Also of note, I acquired a new email address because the current one will be shut off shortly after graduation, be sure to ask for it Hosers so thou can update their contacts. Back to the studying, until next time,

Good day, eh!
Rouge

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