How the Hosers saved Homecoming

Quote of the week: (apologies for not having one last week)

-"No orgies for Darci, she's got little kids in her mouth" -Nick in response to Momma Hoser eating sour patch kids during a PK

It's homecoming weekend in the land where Hosers roam free and we were out in full force to show all the returning alumnists just how far this campus has come since we got here.

I guess the old saying is true: Every dog does have his day. Even if that dog is a purple wearing pansy. James Madison happened to show up in Durham the one day our beloved football team had their one "really ugly like a UML Homecoming Queen" type of game. Not even a healthy dose of hoser hot chocolate could ease the burden of witnessing what took place on the football field. While JM-who might have been victorious on this day, a team clad in purple can only go so far before their cover as a legitimate football team is blown, and they are unmasked as the true purple wearing fairies they are. This defeat sent the campus into a downward spiral. There was talk of students jumping off the top of stoke, some actually stopped their drinking to cry on the sidewalks, women all over NH were crying on the sidewalk. Durham needed a hero...This looked like a job for the hosers!!!

The time was around 4:30pm. UNH was in an utter state of depression, anger, and shock. The only thing that separated the town from madness was this evening's men's hockey game. The hosers gathered in the war room (the whitt lobby by the doors). Not even a wait for food that felt like an eternity would stand in our way. Though we were initially shocked once we 1st made our way to the row as there was a mass-gathering of lost little children on the ice..We were about to call the lost child department when we realized it was just the US under 18 team.

Then came our moment of absolute glory, this evening's anthem singer was primed to sing her heart when dum dum dummmmm!!!! The arena microphone had failed!!! The Whitt needed a hero: was it Chuck Norris? Not today. David Ball? Not his field. The UNH Pep Band? Please, God no. Quickly assessing the situation and before anymore students could hang themselves from the rafters, we Hosers belted out our nations anthem for all to enjoy! Armed with nothing more than our angelic 7x grammy award winning voices and the combined rock star power of Metallica, Dave Matthews, AC/DC, Matt Fornataro, Pearl Jam, and David Hasselhoff, we inspired the rest of the UNH faithful to join in. Our performance was so life affirming, we may have even inspired George W Bush to sit down for cookies and milk with Kim Jong Ill of North Korea. After beating back the record label executives, we got down to business.

To say that this week's installment of hockey was a drastic improvement would be a true understatement. Everything they did wrong last week, they did right this time around. But to their credit, this opposition of juvenile offenders and future community college drop-outs clearly had some elite hockey training from the famed "Ryan Whitney Hockey Academy". The feisty team of youngsters threatened the good guys with playground fights and having thier dad's beat them up. In the end, hockey and the hosers saved homecoming and the minors left Durham once again with no prom dates, nobody to buy them beer, and still with no rights to vote or buy porn. Durham returned to its usual jubilant and inebriated self and it was all thanks to us mighty hosers. Our efforts will have us nominated for our usual array of Nobel Piece Prizes, Stanley Cup MVP's, and of course the Matt Fornataro Award for greatest human beings to ever live. See you all at the awards ceremonies!!

Good Day, eh!
Rouge


ps: "The Hosers sing thier hits" Volume 3 is out in stores next week!