Slummer: "Yeah, you're talking tough, where are you from?"
Rob: "Kingston"
Slummer: "You're from Kingston and you're talking bad about Lowell? What does Kingston have? Nothing!"
Rob: "You're right, no gun violence, drug problem, or high level of crime"
Slummer: "Kingston has nothing man!"
Rob: "Thank you for making my arguement for me"
-Cloud 9 for the 1st ever quote of the week hat trick!
Welcome back Ladies and Hosers. I apologize for being tardy in updates, but between schoolwork, protecting the Hoser-Dome, saving a few damsels in distress, one too many silver bullets, and more schoolwork, I havent had much time. Its hard earning an education, of course no Mainer could possibly know what thats like. Of course UNH internet is being about as lame as said Mainers, so I am currently coming to you live from the office of the Hoser-Dome (yes, that means im driving the Zamboni today).
It was a busy week in the land where the Hosers run free, so lets get right at it. Wednesday evening, we felt the urge to put our lives on the line while watching the good guys in blue...So yeah, we wound up down in the hole better known as Lowell. Once again, the River Pigeon fan base showed up in full force (give or take 20 people or so) and had high hopes of pulling out a win so they could partake in the traditional UML victory dance better known as "The Tango of a thousand stab wounds". One of the UML faithful was kind enough to show us his latest attempt at earning those credits for Arts and Crafts 401. He then celebrated his D- effort in signmaking by eating every chicken finger and a few storm troopers in the Tsongas...We also think he ate "Shawun" while he was at it.
The Tsongas was once again filled to its usual 25% capacity for UML Hockey and Blaise had his soapbox and phonebook ready so he could see over the boards, the game was on. Not even a whole minute of the game went by when Matt "Dick Cheney fears me" Fornataro struck 1st. Despite the religious impact the goal had on the world, the Slummers were still committed to the idea that sharp and pointy objects and drug trafficing was the key to happiness in life. Mr. Radja tried to show them a better way to winning at life when he put one past their frosh goalie later in the 1st....Of course, its hard to teach someone anything when they have knives in their backs, drugs in their system, and Chicken McNuggets constantly adding to their own morbid obesity.
The 2nd period..not so good. It was discovered later on that UML had tainted the water bottles of the good guys in blue by using water directly from the Merrimack. So while UNH was trying to recover from the near lead poisoning they suffered because of that water, UML tied it up, and if only for a brief moment, the River Pigeon faithful felt it.....they felt hope, for the 1st time in their lives. Tainted water or not, I dont see how a pathetic fan base for an even more team could have faith in a sieve that got better work done while he had his hands down his pants during the game.
Hobey Fornataro then turned the River Water into pure spring waters originally used in the ice of old Snively and things returned to normal as the 3rd period meant the complete dashing of those hopes.
In one of the most life affirming plays in recent history, the line of the Mayor, Hobey, and Pollastrone (aka Robert DeNiro according to Yacobson) perfected the art of "Pass, shoot and score. The play was so pretty, the slummers still dont know what happened to them and they even dropped their stabbing knives in wonderment. The next goal and it's beauty amazed the dirty River Pigeons faithful straight into a coma. The final score Good guys 4, Dirty, drug riddled, and knifed River Pigeons 2. But the evening did not end with the final buzzer. A pair of slummers dared to challenge the validity of the anti Lowell factoids courtesy of the only Cornell Hoser! And as youve seen in this weeks installment of the Quote of the Week, his Lowell Education came back to stab him in the back as he proved our point...Obviously flabbergasted and bitter about being made an even bigger fool than all the other Lowell fools, they waited for the Red Hoser outside Tsongas! While he is generally a non-violent Hoser, Mr. Cloud 9 took a page out Maggie "Osama shits himself in fear of me" Joyce and laid out some serious devastation.....The sad slummer has yet to recover physically, and has suffered permanent mental trauma.Now join me as we teleport ourselves to friday evening bboooooooooowweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooo(yes that is the sound of teleporting). The last game before Christmas, last home game till late January, and the final game for the 1st half of the season. So with such a meaningful game, why would we want to waste our time with an Easy-AC waste like SLU(T)?. It has been speculated that Coach invited them so they could see what a rink that is made of more than popsicle sticks and elmers glue really looks like. Later discovered that SLU(T) had become homeless after Appleton Arena went up in Flames when someone touched a door handle and created just the right spark needed to send that poorly made Boy Scout project of an arena fall apart.
Being in the Christmas spirit, we had donned our traditional holiday apparel. The Good Guys in Blue also seemed to be in the Christmas spirit as well..The #1 Offense in the Nation took a temporary break that seemed to last for the better part of 2 periods...But they weren't that giving. Frosh Netminder, Mr. Foster once again stood tall and showed that there are some freshmen in Durham that are useful. SLU(T) of course was on a power play the entire game, as they had a sixth player out there by the name of Tom (almost a bigger douche bag than the Common BC Douche Bag) Fyrer. The ignorant zebra did everything he could to keep our team down and out. But with a team like SLU(T) as the opponent, UNH was bound to make an epic failure out of them. He apparently escaped his exilement to Maine...Lord knows just how many hours he spent in the horse barn with the lummoxes of Orono to buy his way back to civilization.
In a matter of seconds, another UNH frosh, Mr. Butler finally ended the SLU(T) streak of ridiculously lame good luck. Just seconds later, Mr, Ciocco did the suave thing like always and put the game out of reach, even with the help of Fyrer. There was some tremendous moments of irony throughout the game, the SLU(T) known as Hack, found himself in the box often and the other known as "Generous" was generous in his defensive coverage.
The final of friday's tilt: Good Guys 2, SLU(T) 0. Another night, another shutout for Mr. Foster, and another pre-determined waste of hockey equipment is sent packing. And the 1st half of the season ends on a great note. Fyrer was once againn exiled to Maine, this time in a Horse Costume....He is most certainly...screwed.
Be sure to tune in next week for a special Christmas (procrastinating studying for finals) edition! Until then as always
Good Day, eh!
Rouge
ps: Grandpa Hoser has released his third best selling Christmas Album. Be sure to pick it up! It is so life Affirming, that it temporarily convinced a Merrimack player that Santa does exist and may possibly visit him this year!
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