A Hoser Christmas Story

HO, HO, HO, eh! Welcome to the holiday edition on my incoherent ramblings Ladies and Hosers. The Good Guys in Blue have closed out the 1st half of the season better than any of us could have expected. They will enjoy some well earned rest until they fly down to Florida for the Everblades Tourney. Yours truly finds it to be a war crime for anyone to expect our team to have to share a plane with anybody that is remotely close to being a Mainer...But as one person has said, "there better be a buffer zone between us and them.".

I hope all of you have been out caroling to some of the classical tunes composed by Grandpa Hoser. The children of Hoser Nation have been clamoring all holiday season for their family to sing these beautiful hymns while gathered around the tree. I personally would like to share with you a story that has been told in my family for several generations and has never failed to put a smile on my face. Not to be confused with Grandpa Hoser's stunning rendition of "Twas the Night Before Break", I give you "Twas the night Before Hoser Christmas".

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the Hoser-Dome not a creature was stirring, cause Ankur was still passed out on the seats.

Santa was out and aboot making his rounds, when he made his next stop our own Hoser Hunting Grounds.

He stepped on our beloved Lake Whitt and we all rejoiced, though he quietly was still slightly afraid of putting Maggie Joyce on the "bad" list. Which of course he never would despite the highest body count ever put up by her

To all the Good Hosers, he gave them the best presents he could give, Santa surely could never be a stingy sieve.

To the Queen, he gave a whole new set of sign making markers, with an odious scent as glorious as ever. She also got a special Library Chair that wont try to devour her during those long afternoon hours in the Library.

To the Godfather, Santa gave him a brand new custom made Hoser bathrobe for that next pajama day, and a new Santa Hat as well since he already let Santa borrow his so he could finish his list of tour dates.

To Hoser of State, Gib, a brand new camera because his photos unlike BC, never tell a fib. But thats not all, no he got keys to a tall shiny Hoser Bulldozer for all sorts of fun, "Shauwn" just better run

To the Mighty Prime Minister, a brand new bottle of Rum, cause this Hoser wont go near Jose. A brand new Synergy he also got for those moments when he yearns for his days of yore or just for beating back the UVM Puck Bunnies that still want him under that mistletoe

To the Indian, a pillow and a few blankets for the next time he wants to nap in the Matthews. He also got 3 years worth of quotebook text, so that his bride wont be completely lost and confused when she joins our winning side.

To Erinn, a whole new set of Pink Hats so that she can dispense the famed Pink Hat Award at record rates, so that all the hopeless fools of the World have something to look forward to. A roll of duct tape was also hers, so she can prevent the next Hoser from overly expressing himself to the Zebras at the next Hoser-Dome event.

Grandpa Hoser got his recommended dose of Jose Cuervo and a new set of mittens that wont let Tom Fyrer see which finger Grandpa is using for telling him he's #1 for trying to hose the Good Guys

Mr. Cloud 9 got himself a roll of hockey tape and aluminum foil, so that the next time he encounters a dumber than usual slummer, he can "put on the foil" and make the sad fool soil himself.

But Santa wasnt done yet, no matter the sad, ugly, pompus, obese, deviant, braindead, and just plain pathetic fools they all are. All the other Hockey East schools would get a visit tonight

To the Douche Bags of BC, a 4 pack of Wine Coolers worked just fine, along with new pink shirts complete with popped collars so that they might be able to score a chance with Aiello tonight.

To the Poodles of BU, a 12 pack of soap bars to wash out their foul f&%^#ng mouths, I just hope they dont drop that Soap, the next time they go to Conte in the fog.

To the Mainers....coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, coal, horse lube, coal, coal and while Santa was in Orono, he urinated on their tainted title banners without remorse.

To Merry-mack, a new set of 75 watt lightbulbs since they always bark about how dark it's always been in the Cellar of Hockey East.

To the Cat-A-Fraud Froshes, brand new 100% Hemp Scarves they donned, so they wont get too cold while on their annual Team Bonding Holiday Elephant Walk for Stupidity.

The Slummers of Lowell got themselves new stabbing knives to replace the old, too bad Maggie Joyce knocked them out cold before they could try them.

Santa just had to get Um-ass a book on learning class and grace, too bad they got arrested for kicking 6 year-old cancer patient in the face just because he wasnt cheering for Um-ass just before Santa arrived. So instead of that book on class, Santa just gave them all, a boot in the ass

Proviced faithful got a gift card for the fine entertainment establishment better known as the "Foxy Lady". But they still frowned when Santa again said no to telling them where the children hide whenever the Friars come to town.

And to the NU-tered Huskies on Huntington Ave, they got the broom back that Grandpa Hoser stole from their storage room, but still no shot at the beanpot.

Now that Santa saw his work was done, he came back to Durham to have another cold one with us Hosers because we are his favorite breed of human beings. Seeing 1st light coming to over the Hoser Dome, the time was right for him to head home. He got in his sleigh and just before flying away, he said to us all "Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good day eh!".......Halfway home he had forgotten to get "Shawun" a present, but he had already gone too far so he kept going without another thought to it.

If thats not a feel good story, I dont know what is. That should tide all of you Good Hosers over until Christmas Day. I must be off to buy Christmas Presents for those on my lengthy list ( are you on it? You'll have to wait to find out, eh) and endure a hell week worth of school work. Get ready to pack your tuques and sunblock, the state of Florida will never be the same when Hoser Nation comes to plunder their rinks, beaches, and drive thru liquor stores! I sign off wishing you and yours a very merry Christmas and of course

Good Day, eh!

Rouge

ps: Yes, this was written while avoiding studying during finals week. Well, its not like every other entry wasnt composed while avoiding studying for something