A Hoser's Guide to Saving the NHL

Well ladies and Hosers, Hockey Season is officially done with in North America with the NHL closing shop. Congrats to Anaheim for their 1st cup after they easily shellaced NOttawa in 5 Games. But like usual with the NHL, it was another season of terrible exposure and lack thereof, even worse attendance at the arena gates, and more and more fans being alienated.


Now, I know some of you aren't exactly fans of the pro game and that's perfectly fine, honestly I myself being raised on watching the Black and Gold at the Hockey Holy Ground better known as Boston Garden, find it hard to watch the pro game nowadays. You can blame this on Gary "League Killer" Bettman, the recent lockout, and Hockey just not being accepted in America, but this Hoser is optimistic the league can be saved. So after some deep thought, extreme boredom, and a little of the official drink of the Prime Minster, Ive compiled a list of things that could save the NHL.


1. Dump Bettman and maybe most of the current regime
You can't fix something until you remove one of the primary causes of the problem. The Players Union morons partly responsible for the lockout have been given the boot, its time the other morons responsible got it, especially the moron whose every decision led from bad to worse. A sports writer had an interesting idea for a possible replacement for Bettman, a certain NHL legend who started out as just another Pond Hockey star from Parry Sound, Ontario (I better not have to explain who I mean).


2. Contraction and or relocation:

Hockey in the south for the most part has been an utter failure. Dallas and Tampa have found a way to thrive in their non-traditional markets and have both won cups, but the most success alot of the other teams below the mason-dixon line have had is a whiff of the playoffs and are filling their buildings at a Merrimack-esque rate (when the Hosers aren't there of course). My suggestion is to contract or relocate: Florida, Phoenix, Nashville (already on their way out apparently), and Atlanta. And if you want to relocate a team, I'm begging the NHL to stay away from another team in Texas or a Las Vegas team. Bring teams back to Canada where the arenas will fill up with raucous fans (did somebody say Moose Factory?), Wisconsin could be an interesting spot considering the NHL is back in Minnesoter (A new twist to the Border Battle?). Seattle might work (a rivalry with the Canucks could be made from it). But I would be Providancing over seeing the return of the Quebec Nordiques, Winnipeg Jets, Hamilton Tigers (from waayyyyyyy back in the day, the hall of fame doesn't even own one of their jerseys they go that far back). And of course, there wouldn't be a complaint if this team made a return.

3. Get the big name players, in the big markets

Alexander Ovechkin has got more goal scoring ability than Keith Johnson has 12 year-olds on his buddy list, sorry Caps fans, but a guy like him belongs in NY, Boston, LA, Boston, or Boston.

4. Fighting: Have at you!

Some people say fighting has no place in hockey, I say you have no place in hockey if you are afraid to drop those gloves in the name of standing up for a teammate, yourself, and the entire team. What doesn't belong in hockey are blatant cheap shots that are completely reckless and dangerously and often committed in the most cowardly fashion. I'm not saying that fighting will eliminate such acts, but with less emphasis on eliminating it, players wont be so hesitant to go face to face to solve a conflict rather than resort to chicken shit stuff behind the play (see Todd Bertuzzi).

5. Get Hockey back on ESPN

Who's idea was it to put hockey on a network that most people don't even have let alone one that doesn't even know how to work a camera to cover the game properly? We need National Hockey Night back, we need that weekly fix of Barry Melrose and his plague curing mullet.

6. More Grapes Now!!

Hearing the legendary Don Cherry speak during the playoffs on American television was the single best part of the playoffs. I don't care how many European Nations he offends, Hoser Nation will grant him Amnesty worldwide if he does more games on American TV. Have him do games alongside that mullet and your ratings will skyrocket. Right now those numbers are so low, they make a Mainers GPA look like something redeeming. In fact I will pay for his ticket and most other expenses if Don Cherry made an appearance at the Hoser-Dome

7. Stop bitching about low scoring games

All it means is that goalies are getting better, and scorers are going to have to get more creative with their techniques. I'd rather see a nail biting 2-1 game than a 9-7 game where even the Popcorn guy can score on the sieves involved

8. Get the big name teams out of the mire and cellars

Here comes my Bruins rant. Original 6 teams like Boston and Chicago should have packed houses and should be in some form of contention. But scumbag money grubbing owners like Jeremy Jacobs, consistently provide just enough money to management to create a mediocre on-ice product and then jack up ticket prices enough to get the fans away in staggering numbers. Get rid of these disease like owners, put better players on the ice, and then the big markets will make the rest of the league better.

9. Rivalries Rivalries Rivalries

Part of what makes college hockey so great is how much a game against your arch nemesis means to the team and fans alike. Market the big rivals like Bruins vs Habs, Flames vs Oilers, Wings vs Avalanche, Sens vs Leafs etc.

10. I can't stress this enough

Nobody goes to hockey games at the NHL level because they can't afford the tickets, and they don't watch cause the only TV deal they got is with a network that does a better job covering bullriding. Lower ticket prices, and again, get the NHL back on a real sports network.

That's my rant for this week, stay tuned for more ramblings, and oh yeah, if Hoser Nation even gets thrown into the hat for getting our own NHL franchise, I propose the name of the "Flin Flon Fighting Lagerheads!"

Good day, Eh!

Rouge