Hosers Almanac: 05/19: The Graduation Speech the Class of 08 wishes they could have

Quote of the Week:
The Following is an ROC Production: Rick Astley and pistol whipping a Habs fan: Together at last as God intended.



Well Ladies and Hosers, this coming Saturday is a bittersweet day for all of us UNH folk. It marks the One Year Anniversary of the sad day when Durham's greatest hero next to Dave Ball, Rick Santos, and most of the better UNH hockey players, yours truly bid farewell to Durham. It is joyous as another class of fine men and women receive the honor of their UNH diploma's. Now of course, when your hero here took the walk of honor, former president's Bush and Clinton were on hand to honor this occasion (and to consult with the Hosers on things such as foreign policy and just where George Senior went wrong in raising dubya). The class of 08, obviously failed to live up to the legend that is the Class of 2007 so they got some other guy whose name is unknown to all to speak this year.

But for just a moment, let us envision that they did get a speaker of unimaginable wisdom and greatness...But then the guy cancelled and they had to settle for the next best thing, myself. Here is the speech I would grace these brave young souls with.



"My brothers and sister New Hampshire Blue and White, I should spend this entire time to list all the ways in which you have failed to live up to the legend that I and my associates have created for you to live up to. But since this is your day, I will spare you such a stern scolding.

Allow me to be the 1st to welcome you to the real world. I must warn you, it is a world filled with all forms of idiots, failures, and morons. As graduates of this institution, you will be the beacon of hope and truth among these pitiful beings. I'll put it to you like this, think of yourself as a Hoser among a mass group of common Mainer failures.

You have had four years to prepare for this epic struggle of good vs stupid, or if your name rhymes with Gib or Yacobson, you've had something along the lines of a quarter century to get ready for it. I assume and hope each and everyone of you have spent this time having as much as fun as humanly possible, for this world that awaits will be full of dullards and fools whose goal in life is to sap the life out of you with mindless banter. Understand, these people are merely jealous of the greatness you have achieved with your graduation from UNH.

In your time in this little town, you have been in the presence of true greatness, namely us Hosers. Please remember a few of the lessons we have taught you over the years.



Tolerance: As I've stated before, the real world is chock-full of pathetic souls whose empty lives are completely laughable. Some of these sad fools will live in the delusion that they are somehow better than you because their mommy and daddy have footed the bill for everything in their lives and believe that their greasy hair and scummy behavior make them appear to be decent people...These people are commonly called, BC fans. Understand, their pitiful attempts at acting superior are merely acts of compensation for their clear inferiority to you. If you encounter such folk, tolerate them by reminding them that their place in life is best found playing in traffic and nothing says tolerance better than a firm backhand upside their head. In terms of tolerance for folk such as Mainers, well since you all have been cleaning your arse with the equivalent of UMaine diploma all your life, its unlikely you'll have to tolerate Mainers in the future, unless you happen to become a parole officer.

Integrity: If you want an example of why integrity is so important in life, consider the story or UMaine Hockey and how Karma caught up to them in various ways.

Perseverance: Greatness is not obtained overnight (unless you've purchased the all new "Hobey Fornataro keys to greatness and otherwise scoring with a Patriots Cheerleader/SI Swimsuit Model DVD."). There will be days where the idiots of the world will get you down about life. But when situations like that occur, please remember what us Hosers have taught you over the years. Think of what Smokey McHoser might do in such situations (besides have a cigarette or Niccodog).

Intelligence: You know your smarter than everyone, that piece of paper UNH will mail you along with your complementary autographed 8x10 of the Kazoo Hosers, proves it to be true. So act like it.

And finally, the last lesson we can teach you, is to remember: Remember where you came from and those that were there along the way. Remember that you are among the few the proud and the proud. The University of New Hampshire graduates. And let's face it, its not like those elitist dirtbags from BC are going to contribute much to society other than white collar crimes and general douchebaggery. So, the responsibility of saving the world's sanity is on you and all those UNH alums before you.


In closing, I must say..No Darci, that is NOT how that master's degree hood is supposed to be worn dammit! Otherwise, I remind you that this world is yours for the taking, and no matter where you go in it, there will always be a place for you here at UNH, as long as its not in my seat at the Whitt."



Ya.....drink it all in. Congratulations class of 2008. Until next time, Good night Canada, and of course as always,



Good day, Eh!
Rouge