Well....This has truly been a day to remember in the grand and great history of the Hosers in both good, humorous, and travashamockery. Today will linger long in the memory of all good hosers that we will all look back upon and laugh at and also curse at profusely. Today, all Hosers brought new meaning to the word dedication and Tom Fyrer gave a new definition to the term "screw job".
This morning began with a rare treat. French toast courtesy of Momma Hoser and of course, my own special blend of Irish/Seattle/ French Canadian/liquored up coffee. While the mood inside was its usual festive self, outside was a rainy, cold, and dreary picture. This morning, the Hoser's gathered early in hopes of tailgating on a beautiful day to a victory at not-so beautiful Cowell Stadium for UNH football. The day was not so beautiful as it became clear that the weather would not cooperate with us Hosers, but did this stop us? No way, Just like how Ryan Whitney overcame his obvious disability of playing for BU and helped UNH win some time ago, we Hosers persevered for the sake of others. In the face of a monsoon of epic proportions, We marched on across the vast wilderness of treacherous terrain with one, and only one goal in mind: To make it to the football game, and to make it till halftime without dying of hypothermia.
We began our perilous trek towards the stadium across what had become a new retarded version of the Atlantic Ocean (aka A-lot) early and knew this was going to be the usual trip. This was confirmed early on when Momma Hoser challenged a series of puddles and one of such puddles was much deeper than previously advertised! After laughing profusely and punishing the puddle for such perjury ,we beared down and endured hurricane force winds and endless rain. Not since the last Umaine graduation has so much been left to wash down the drains.
We finally arrived at our destination before the game started and discovered that we were the only ones there at the time (while it was something we were accumstomed to seeing at the whitt, it was something drastically new at football games).It was truly a day for the true football fan and football player alike. And like that rain water, Hofstra was left to wash away down the drain and wind up somewhere in Lowell. UNH was back on the winning side of things, but our rainy day journey was far from over.
The Hosers were faced with the great challenge of locating some dry socks for Momma Hoser as she was unable to pack extra sets for the weekend. While most of the other parents and students proceeded to cower and assume the fetal position in the face of such adverse conditions, we saw it as an opportunity to add to our already epic legend. The rain continued to come down with monsoon like force. After constructing a make shift boat made of nothing more that broken tree branches, leaves, and gum (oh yeah, we watch our recommended daily episode of MacGuyver). Our umbrellas may have folded like France in any form of confrontation, but we paddled on and reached our destination without drowning.
The return back to my humble abode was far less eventful. We dried off and got ready for game #4 of this epic weekend. Only one word comes to mind when such a game appears on the schedule: YYYYYAAAAAAAALLEEE!!!! Yes Hosers, the largest mass collection of Cambridge Community College rejects were in town. Right off the bat they took out their whinny rage over such rejection with the standard regimen of cheap shots and other unsavory on ice behavior. Unfortunately, tonight's officials were apparent recent graduates of the Conrad Hache School of Officiating Screw Jobs. Tom Fyrer, Jack, and Chris Milea took total incompetence to levels that not even UML, MC, NU, or even the ultimate lifelong failure, the Umainer could match in a single night.
The 1st period had 31 minutes worth of penalties alone. Of course their could and should have been more, but its pretty hard for officials to do their job when the only view they have is one of their head crammed up their rear ends. The 3rd period initiated the worst of the screw-job. After blowing the whistle and declaring the play dead, the officials handed Yale the tying goal like it was candy on Halloween. While a certain Cat's defensemen who will remain unnamed at this time was apparently practicing being Ryan Whitney for Halloween during the course of the play, it was clearly blown dead before he did such an impression. At this point the whitt was more like Chernobyl and heading for a total meltdown, and unfortunately the overtime would set off that meltdown.
The whitt was rocking like the Mainers were in town (sans the stench of insest of course). Late in the overtime, it looked like UNH had the victory won as they managed to poke the puck into the net through some hard digging and fighting for the puck in front and to the side of the net. Tom Fyrer however, had other things in mind as he decided that the goal was some sort of mirage, and that the real puck was tied up under the goalie. Numerous witnesses close to the play including the score judge have signed sworn affidavits and will testify in the Hoser Court of Law that the puck was indeed in the net and should have counted. Yale of course then took advantage of this travesty against humanity and took the puck down to the other game, and ended the game on a tough shot to the top shelf. From there it got ugly. The whitt was melting down in rage. In a display of classless boasting, Yale chose to celebrate right in front of the NH bench and set off a chain reaction of poor behavior among non-Hoser, and non-students in attendance. People, real fans do not litter the ice with garbage, we are from New Hampshire, not Maine. Unlike Maine, we have literacy, class, and fine dental care. Upon leaving the ice, the officials were showered with a loud booing that I personally have never heard before with that much volume and disdain. Rest assured, all 3 officials will be charged with conspiracy to commit incompetency, perjury, embezzlement, Officiating under the influence of retardation, and they also were spotted Jaywalking as well....They face spending an afternoon in the stockades of the town square. Rotten tomatoes and other spoiled fruits will be provided for pelting these enemies of Hoser Nation. Bring the kids, its great family fun!
Despite the officiating, the good guys in blue and white, fought hard to the end. Unfortunately, a terrible 1st period, and a powerplay that was mostly about as useful as a Proviced education doomed them. Yale played a hard game as well, that didn't make up for the fact that they celebrated like they had just won the World Series instead of non-conference game in October partially because of the mentally inept officiating.
Nobody should be going for the panic button though. It is still very, very early in the season, and theres a long way to go. We can take pride in the fact that we have more than likely seen the last of that officiating crew, as they are scheduled for immediate deportation to Orono after their day in the stockades. There, they will be disguised as a baseball team, and will more than likely fall victim to a mugging by the Maine Hockey team.
phew!!! That was quite the entry, and we still got one more day to go. Get those potential quotes of the week in. Winning out this week's honor will carry more prestige than usual because of the schedule we have been working with. See you this afternoon, eh.
Good day, eh
Rouge
RIP Red Auerbach: Champion of New England
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1 comment:
You know, there's just not enough Proviced bashing here. Sigh.
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