Another Night in The Office: Guarding the Hoser-Dome

Ladies and Hosers, I fully expect that you are all still deservedly reveling in the recent thrashing of the Mainers at their own out-house of an arena. I personally am still getting a kick out of driving around Durham with the head of Banannas dragging behind the back of my car. The fools at USCHO however still have the Mainers sitting atop the polls despite the brutal beating they took at the hands of the good guys in blue. This is obviously the result of every other team in college hockey suffering a case of "suck-itis" (better known as Ben Bishop's Syndrome). So they were allowed to stay in the top spot.....For now. Sooner or later, they will fall of their pedastool and be exposed for the farce they are.

But on to other things, not too long ago, fellow Hoser, Erin presented an interesting idea to me. As all of you know, I am gainfully employed by our beloved home-away from home, the Hoser Dome. However, I have many more duties beyond the on-ice entertainment I provide for all of you. Most of these duties go un-noticed by all of Hoser Nation unfortunately. Today, I invite you all to join me for the 1st annual "Bring the Hosers to Work Day"! This is a never before heard of in-depth look into the day to day operations in our beloved Hoser-Dome.

5pm: This is when I normally arrive to begin my evening shift. After a full day of classes (You know, those large group meetings that Chris Bourque never went to in the short time he had at BU), my mind is fully prepared for a tall order of tasks to complete for the evening. After I get settled into my ultra comfortable lazyboy in the office (courtesy of the entire UNH freshmen class) I quickly glance at this list and then sit back down in the lazyboy and resume settling in.

6pm: At this time I prepare for one of the more unbearable and sad sites ever to be brought upon this Earth. No, I am not referring to the sad attempts of the common BC Douche Bag to not look like a Metrosexual Dimwit. I mean free skate at Lake Whitt. Many a millenia ago, free skate meant a wide open sheet of ice for the Hosers to ride the waters of Lake Whitt on our trusty canoes. That changed when the fools at campus rec decided to rent out skates to any dullard who thought they had the honor of treading those sacred waters. Since that dark day, the whitt has been too clogged with "rental skate" pollution for us noble Hosers to effectively cruise the frozen waters. I take enjoyment in watching their futile efforts in attempting to skate. Occassionally they will ask me to play some music for them over the sound system. I try and play an appropriate soundtrack that suits the miserable failures they are...... I also like to play some Hasselhoff for them..out of the goodness of my heart.

7:30: Slaying the Dragon!!!!!!!

7:35: Get the nets ready for broomball. I find some amusement in watching these games. It's partially because I know that if the Hosers were out there defending our 30 World Championships in the sport, no team would stand a chance. And of course its always worth a laugh watching people fall on their ass while trying to run on ice. Nothing topped tonight's rare treat though. A player attempted to take slapshot and completely missed the ball on the follow through. He then struck an oncmoing opposing player in his groin. I tell you, there is some sort of healing power in watching another person suffer a nutshot.

8pm: At this point, I might actually take a look at this large to do list that consists of:
-Clean up Storage Room
-Move Tables and Chairs from skyboxes back downstairs
-Rearrange Varsity Club
-Move Light Bulbs to electrical room
-Drain and clean zamboni snow pit
-Do a double Zamboni Drive at the end of the night.
Ill get to work on all of these except the last two right now....

8:05: All done with all but the last 2. Now I get to relax in the office lazyboy for a while. I should do some homework and there is plenty of it to....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

9:30pm: what? whoa! Im awake! Now I got out and check up on the broomballers. While making my rounds I encountered a young man that complained to me about how cold the building was and that I should do something about how cold it was in the hockey rink..The ICE hockey rink. I took his statement into consideration and made my way to the back locker room hallway and found my way into the kitchen. I opened the freezer where we keep some of the fish used in Women's games. I took the least frozen one of them all, walked back out to the bench where the guy that complained about how cold the ICE HOCKEY RINK was, and provided him with a cold dose of reality courtesy of a whap upside the head with the fish. I then returned to the office and continued my crossword puzzle.

10pm: Crosswords conquered, time to tackle that Zamboni Snow Pit. After pulling the plug on the drain, I was forced to watch it slowly drain. Just before it fully emptied out, the drain became clogged. I was forced to tackle this issue by jumping into the pit and forcing it open myself..After much prying, I found the source of the clog, the UNH Pep Band had some how marched their way into this pit. I unclogged the drain, but left the band in the pit...I did the job, and solved the noise pollution problem all at the same time...Kinda makes me feel like riverdancing.

11pm: What's that Hunter? (my own dog, who has kicked Lassie's ass 10x over and has been to the moon......twice) There's a flock of River Pigeons on the roof trying to break in? And their trying to cause the scoreboard to crash to the ice?! I'm on it! I make my way to the roof in the torrential Hurricane force weather with my trusty ice scrapper and strike the foul birds down one by one. Just as I take out the last Lowell fowl, the last scoreboard support wire snaps and begins to fall! I manage to grab the main wire and hold it up. Summoning my super-Hoser strength I pull the scoreboard up to its original location and one by one re-tie the wires to their original supports...Then its river pigeon parmesean subs for all!!

12pm: Broomballers finally leave for the night. Time to lockup and do the ice. Theres something of a relaxing feeling that can come over a Hoser when making a clean sheet of ice. Cruising the frozen tundra of Hoser-Dome on my steel vessel is similar to working on a zen garden, especially when I hook up the old Ipod to the sound system. Just as I'm about to ride off the ice and into the moonlight for the evening when THUMP!!!! What the heck?! I must have hit something...Oh crap....I JUST HIT "SHAUN" WITH THE ZAMBONI!! Lockup and Runaway!!!

Well, thats the jist of a typical evening of guarding the Hoser-Dome for me. As you can see, its not an easy job it all...Im just really good at making it easy. Till friday Hosers.

Good Day, eh!
Rouge