A whole new Low-ell

Quote of the Week:
Darci: "A cross between a potato and a taco: Potacco!"
Nick:"isn't that what you call a Mexican from Maine?"


Do you enjoy luxury ladies and Hosers? If so, then you are certainly not from Lowell, the left arm pit of the not-so great state of Massachusetts.

In Lowell, the odds of someone being stabbed in the streets are the exact rate as the odds of a sheep falling victim to Mainer Sexual Assault...99.5%!!! Unfortunately, the Hosers had to run the risk of those kinda odds this past weekend to see the Good guys in Blue dine on the inept River Pigeons. Fortunately, we had stocked up on the latest in knife attack prevention gear..In other words we carried around a cardboard cutout of Maggie Joyce around Lowell, and everyone knows she's bulletproof already so the slummers ducked for cover fearing a possible Maggie Joyce beatdown.

Game 1 had us visiting their cheap imitation of the Hoser Dome. But with the more than half empty arena, horrid order, death trap stairs, and Barry Bonds dressed up as a pigeon in a Superman outfit, I must say, it was a typical shoddy Lowell effort.

The Pigeons got the 1st goal but the goal was suspect in the eyes of Hoser Nation, as we feel Mr. Regan was distracted by the alarming number of knives he found in his back just before the goal. After removing the knives, spraying them with water, and snow, he would be fine. It was interesting to see the latest Lowell 1st goal tradition though. This year, it has become custom that upon the 1st Lowell goal of the game, the students throw a rubber chicken that has been strapped to the latest freshman stabbing victim found near the old mill buildings. After the police processed the body, the period ended.

In the 2nd period, It appeared the bag UNH had stored their knife proof jerseys had arrived and there was no longer a need for the Good guys in Blue to fear such savage attacks. Another interesting observation we made before the period started up again was that it appeared Lowell had taken their historic child labor practices to new levels as it appeared the River Pigeons had hired a 5 year-old coach! But upon further investigation, we discovered it was still Blaise MacDonald, and he had forgotten his phonebook, soapbox, and cinderblock that he uses at the same time so he can be tall enough to see over the boards. Back to the hockey, UNH struck back with 2 fast goals. Wwith the UML student section peering over their bench with "ole stabby" at the ready, the Pigeons knew they had to at least make it look like they at least had a shot at maybe losing by one. They did manage to tie it up, but their own idiocy would be their undoing. A pair of UML players were not only penalized, but were also arrested for possession of a concealed weapon (it is not wise to store your stabbing knife in your skate, nor actually make your knife the actual blade on your skate) and another was uncovered as the biggest Lowell drug cartel since Peter Vetri (who is now serving time in Qunnipiac Federal penitentiary). The resulting power plays allowed the likes of Radja and Pollastrone to score goals in such artistic manners, that they made the likes of Picasso, DaVinci, and Van Gogh all look like a backwoods retard from Maine.

Of course, come the 3rd period, Matt "Angelina is gonna dump Brad for me" Fornataro made both of those goals look like a fingerpainting project by the same backwoods retard from Maine. With that goal, Sir Fornataro (yes he was knighted by the Queen of England last weekend after he proved to all of England that cold beer is so much better than warm beer) put a knife in Lowell's hopes and dreams, even though knives are regularly found in those hopes and dreams. Game 1 to the Hosers and we did win the ultimate grand prize in all of Lowell.....WE GOT TO LEAVE LOWELL!!!! Unfortunately, we missed out on getting more haircut coupons courtesy of the arena blimp.....

Meanwhile back at Lake Whittemore, The Women of the Whitt were expecting to play some hockey games this weekend, but instead some Husky Ladies showed up. Being the benevolent ladies they are, the Women allowed these dogfaced girls scrimmage them for 4 points in the Hockey East standings. Unfortunately for the husky girls, the REAL Maggie Joyce was there and not the cardboard cutout..........It believed Maggie disposed of what was left of that team of Husky ladies somewhere at the bottom of the outdoor pool by Old Snively

Game 2 of the weekend tilt with the Pigeons gave them the honor of visiting the Hoser Dome. Of course we Hosers could not allow the Slummers into our beloved Hockey temple without checking them for knives. So naturally, we volunteered pep band to do the honors......What was left of them made their way back and still managed to create a dangerous level of noise pollution.

With the potential stabbing problem out of the way, the only thing left to do was to send this pitiful assembly of slummers back to their crack-houses...And that we did. Making his 1st ever start at the collegiate level, local frosh Brian Foster didn't even give the Pigeons a chance to succeed. Any shot he faced, he stopped with style. The only real mistake of the night can be attributed to "numerical heredity" as a few UNH goalies that wore 29 had a habit of wondering a little too much (I know Ty Conklin's crease chains are somewhere in the Whitt still, and Ill bring em out just in case). The offense continued to paint some masterpiece goals on this night, including Vinz and his patented pending "floater shot" that fooled the pitiful UML goalie. That sieve had every gold star on his helmet removed after that game, yes even the ones he got back in kindergarten for coloring inside the lines. When the final buzzer sounded, UML received their just punishment for failure...They were forced to return to Lowell, and remain there. The star of the night was of course Foster who got a shutout in his 1st start but another highlight of the night was that over $1,000 was raised in the annual "Blaise MacDonald Midget Toss" contest held in the Hoser Dome. Ricky Santos retained his title by tossing him from the Student section all the way to West Edge...Where David Ball obviously made the catch for the touchdown.

Of course the most impressive fact in all this is that we managed to spend a whole 2 days being around Lowell residents and not one of us were the victim of stabbings. Though, during the usual Women's Hockey beatdown on some poor pathetic team, I was the victim of gravitational assault. After recovering from the attack on me, I then teleported back in time, found Sir Isaac Newton (the guy who discovered gravity) and struck him down with a bulldozer. On a Bulldozer related note, "Shaun" as we all know him as, has recovered from his bulldozer related injuries, but we recently learned that his good health was shortlived as he apparently was mauled by a Hippotomaus on Main St Saturday afternoon...

That's all from me for now Hosers. Be sure to come to Boston hungry on Wednesday, cause the Hosers will be dining on BC Eagle just before Turkey day!

Good day, eh!
Rouge

ps: Brian Foster, you have an appointment with Godfather Hoser this week to discuss your unacceptable behavior during the "We're all behind you" portion of the 2nd period...Freshmen or not, such actions are not looked upon favorably.