"Yeah, Shaun got hit by a bulldozer."
-Gibber
"Someone come here and hold this so I can pee!"
-Ankur
When you say "Maine Black Bears"!
You said:
Assaulting a baseball team
Forfeit Inducing NCAA Violations
Tainted Titles
Inbred Hicks
Sexual Assault of Barnyard Animals
and of course, Online Sex Predators.
Yup, you really said it all when you speak of the scourge of Hoser Nation themselves, the Mainers. And we Hosers are sacrificing our Sunday to make the journey to the place that God just shakes his head at and wonders "what was I thinking when I made that hole in the ground?". We know this place as Orono. Ah Orono, where the family trees are a straight line and where barnyard animals have their own rape crisis center. Again, yes we went there, on a Sunday where we could have been watching the Patriots instead. The great NH philosopher Lanny Gare said it best when he was once quoted, "Id rather be stabbed in the streets of Lowell than be a Black Bear in Maine".
The average Mainer is a peculiar species. They are found in the most run down shanties, trashiest trailer parks, and in the pit better known as the Alfond Arena. Their lack of teeth and the terrible care given to what teeth they have is evidence of their reknowned inbreeding practices. That terrible smell that just wraps around your throat and chokes you? Yup, probably a Mainer that hasn't had his regular bathing routine of chasing around old Bessie in the rain. The average Mainer also has a knack for exploding into an indiscernible rampage of cursing in their native Mainer tongue when things do not go their way. So outside of the rink, they tend to always sound bitter and angry, especially when the meet an obvious being of higher intelligence and standards. But ladies need not fear these primitive creatures, they are no threat. For no matter how lovely you maybe (and its a known fact UNH ladies are goddess like beauties) if you aren't their cousins, sisters, Aunts, Grandmothers, or a species of barnyard livestock, they probably wont bother you much beyond saying "you got a purrty mouth".
Now for the tales of the great journey. The Hoser Express was fully stocked with a buffet of fine foods, multiple musical gadgets, and of course the Hoser Global Positioning System. We were primed and ready to endure the perilous journey when we encountered an unusual obstacle. A wannabe Hoser was waiting for us in the parking lot with the idea that he was worthy of a seat in the legendary Hoser Express, the envy of all limousines. The express was sold out of seats but being the benevolent group we are, we did not object to him following us in his automobile that bore the strange license plate of "Piaget". The name of this odd individual escaped us all and probably will continue to escape since it's likely that we wont try and know it any time soon, he will be hitherforth known as "Shaun" (it should be noted, that Shaun is to be said in a Mass accent that is similar to the Kennedy's). "Shaun" managed to keep up with the famed Hoser Express for the beginning of this perilous trek. The fool then made a very very unwise decision, and deviated from our predetermined path. We last saw this sad Hoser wannabe heading towards parts unknown of Maine. From the loud and painful sounds of steel striking steel, it can be assumed that "Shaun" became one of the hundreds that fall victim to runaway bulldozers on America's highways.
In recent years, the Alfond has not been a kind to Hoser Nation. Last season however, the good guys in blue broke that jinx in a fitting fashion. The UNH victory sent the desolation better known as Orono into a depression that lasted a month and caused a tremendous rampage of aggravated sexual assault towards barnyard livestock. Tonight's game will probably result in bananas, the UMaine Mascot hanging himself from the rafters of the Alfond.
1st Period. Mr, Radja started things off very well for for the good guys in blue (not pussy blue). Strangely enough though, this game's official Tim "cataracts" Benedetto was calling the game in an unusually lopsided manner. While we Hoser's are true champions of justice, we are not one to complain about Captain cataracts taking a goal off the board from the Mainer's tally. McFlicker then proceeded to make Ben "Genetic study with steroids and horse DNA gone horribly wrong" Bishop look even more foolish than he already looked. The Mr.Radja added more humiliation to Bishop and the rest of the inept Mainers by adding to the score with but only a single second left, while shorthanded. The score after 1..3-0...Optimism was brewing in Hoser Nation accompanied with an increasing risk of anxiety attacks....More bitter whining from Mainers as well.
2nd Period. Any whining the Mainers had been doing in the previous period was appeased by the barrage of penalties called against the good guys in blue. So UNH spent a vast majority of the second period shorthanded, Mr. Regan was apparently ready for the challenge. He managed to turn down more scoring chances for the Mainers than their gap teeth do in their social lives. The Mainers did manage to get two in and give their faithful that faint glimmer of hope that is completely absent from their lives out in the real world outside the Alfond. Mr Switzer however did a perfect impression of Russ Tyler of the Mighty Ducks movies and nailed a perfect knucklepuck past the freakishly tall Bishop. Mr. Butler then decided it was a good time to get his 1st Hockey East Goal for all the Mainers to whine and moan over as they left the 2nd period down 5-2. Easily, the longest 2nd period we Hosers have sat through in some time and the American Heart Association considered intervening as most of us Hosers appeared ready to die of sudden cardiac arrest.
The 3rd period then eased such cardiac pains. Any minute hope held by the Mainers was extinguished when the good guys in blue officially rendered Bishop about as useless as a Proviced education and left the game with his head hung low and in shame (as if being a Black Bear in Maine wasn't shameful enough). 6-2 good guys. Matt "I'm kind've a big deal" Fornataro did his best impression of Santos to Ball by putting up a big bright 7 in the UNH score column of the scoreboard. At this point, the Hosers were presented with the best sight and sound to be brought into the world: The sight of seeing the Alfond clear out and in total deafening silence admit defeat. The Mainers fled like rats from a sinking ship and were left mostly speechless except for the mindless rants about their banners that are as tainted as Barry Bond's Home Run Record. In a fitting ending to the game, The Mayor himself capped it all off and sent the remaining Mainers home crying in their own filth.
I think this really does say it all.
8-2...At the Alfond! An undefeated team, now defeated. A Number 1 team, knocked right off their pedastool by their biggest rival. And a fanbase of intellectually deprived and sexually deviant beastiality lovers left in total silence as if they just realized just how much of a failure they are. Maybe they did have such a religious moment after being taken behind the shed and beaten by Hobey Fornataro and his trusty dragon slaying club that was given to him by John Wayne. One can only hope that they change their ways, cause lords knows, those Mainers have never had a hope since birth.
Well, all is well in Hoser Nation again, we are back safe and sound, the head of bananas the black bear is on a stick in front of the Wildcat statue for all to appreciate, and we have now won 2 in a row at the Alfond. I sign off with this important message though, be sure to remember it is still Runaway Bulldozer Awareness Month in Hoser Nation, and its up to you to make sure that no more innocent NH residents do not meet the same agonizing fate as poor "Shaun"
Good day, eh!
Rouge
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