The Greatest Story in the History of Mankind

Quote of the Week:
"I was definitely in a little slump. I don't know how to explain it. It felt like I lost my virginity."
-Brett Hemmingway

NOW WITH PHOTOGRAPHY!!!!

Ladies and Hosers, I come to you live tonight from my stately apartment that reeks of rich mahogany, and im currently in a very unusual predicament at the moment. Its tuesday night, and I have no gargantuan pile of homework, im not confined to the office of our beloved Hoser-Dome, and I have no funds at the moment to make a journey downtown to find out where all the rum has gone in this town, and then test it's quality. What to do, what to do?

Now, while the common UML folk would use this time like they always use their time, stab, avoid being stabbed, and then do drugs while stabbing. Residents of BC would enjoy some more techno music and drink more wine coolers. And of course, the Mainers would go out and do things that should get them arrested for Aggravated Sexual Assault of an Animal. I however, will take my time for the benefit of all of you. I will now tell you the greatest and best story of all time.

This is an entirely true story: Though some facts have been creatively exaggerated to dumbfound the Dutch. Why the Dutch, because Austin Powers 3 was simply not enough in terms of poking fun at them.

The story begins as so. We Hosers had made a great pilgrimage to Vermont for our traditional "Welcome to Hockey East, but your still not as cool as us" visit. I must say, I have never seen such a mass gathering of so many angry pot smokers in one tiny building. On a side note, UVM promotions dept swore never to do another "lucky poker chip" promotion after they realized mentioning the word chip in a building filled with kids who clearly have the munchies was a very bad idea. After the UVM set the pottymouthed potsmokers straight, and after we Hosers sent a pair of UMV wenches packing after they were heard making several puck-bunny type references and attempting to pry me away from the rest of the Hosers, we made our way to our next destination. While I can understand the girl's attraction to me (I am a truly devastatingly handsome Hoser), but they would have to take a number and wait in line.

The next stop was SLU(T) and the Northeast's coldest fire hazard better known as Appleton Arena. This building took rustic to whole new levels as the entire building looked like a hap-hazard project done by forestry technology major. Of course the good guys in blue were victorious over SLU(T) and we were happy to take this win and get out of the building before we got anymore splinters from just walking around the building.

The great Hoser convoy then made our way back towards our temporary headquarters in Burlington. Much of the journey took us directly alongside the Canadian Border. Those who have ever been near the border already know this..There is absolutely nothing up there. No decent homes, no eating establishments, no scenery, no clear signs of intelligent life, and no hope whatsoever...So yeah, its a lot like The Umaine campus.

After what seemed like 2 days worth of driving across Northern NY, we finally crossed over into Vermont and found a very small snow covered village in our path. After driving a short distance into the town we crossed over a small bridge and noticed we were short one car in our convoy, we stopped in a mini mall parking lot to wait for them. It was then we saw our missing group stopped on said bridge with what appeared to be a Police SUV right behind it with lights on and turning. Naturally, the rest were perplexed at just who would have the audacity to pull over a Hoser and to what half baked charges they would be possibly placing on said Hosers. After a few minutes, our fellow Hosers appeared to have been let go and joined us in the parking lot. We did not know why they looked so crestfallen, until we saw the group of Police Issue SUV's join us in the parking lot with the lights still going. It was then we realized we were pulled over by Border Patrol. Now, while we Hosers always have a certain level of respect for law enforcement, but the Border Patrol officers we encountered that evening were not worthy of such respect. They came up to our vehicle then questioned the Pandaman's ( Andy, aka Hoser of War) ability to pay attention while driving. Now, this Hoser is a regular driver of the legendary Hoser Express and can navigate anywhere with our without any directions present. This mass gathering of slow minded border patrol were clearly so bored, they felt it was necessary to pull us over with a SWAT team like effort for an alleged......stop sign violation. It was also clear to us that this slovenly officer was clearly envious and bitter at the fact that we are clearly a superiorly intelligent breed and that he had to settle for going to Proviced after UNH rejected him.Ironically, while we sat parked on the side of the road attempting to reason with these bafoons, a large bus happened to drive by. That same bus then began to slow down to get a better look at our situation. It was then we relized that the bus belonged to the UNH Hockey team, who were not too far behind us in our quest home. After nearly stopping to gawk at our current situation and to what we hoped was calling Batman to help us out (he owes me) they then made their way back to Durham. We proceeded to confound the Neanderthal officers with our superior rhetoric until a local officer made his way over to reclaim his jurisdiction. This officer, while he may not have had the same federal standing as those oafish border patrolmen, he clearly knew greatness when he saw it. Though he stood by the border patrolmen's claim that we all ran a stop sign, he chose to let us off with a written warning which is of course better than probably what the border patrol oafs had in mind. After the officer wished us well, we gave him an honorary Hoser scout badge for his efforts in standing up to the border patrol. Those border patrol officers who dared to slow our voyage have since been demoted to mere local park pooper scoopers. After being released we made our way back to the temporary headquarters, and then bolted our way out of that sad and poorly constructed imitation of NH that is Vermont.

A Hoser Crime Scene Unit has yet to locate this phantom stop sign. Scholars maintain that the border patrolmen were paid off by the Vermont Government so that they could keep us here in order to attempt to finally further imitate NH. Also of note, once we arrived back in Durham, we noticed several of the players asking us to autograph some 8x10's of us being pulled over at the side of the road in Vermont.

The End!!

If that isn't a feel good story, I don't know what is. Until Friday when the pottymouths come to the Hoser-Dome

Good Day, eh!
Rouge