Ladies and Hosers, you will only read about this here, because lets face it, its not like the Mainers can read or write in the 1st place.
Many inside sources within Hoser Government have confirmed that Hoser Nation has once again broken new ground in the realm of College Hockey. The Hosers have begun negotiations in order to attain the rights and services of one of America's most beloved mascots, and a true icon in NH College Sports.
In what would be the biggest deal since the Sox signed Daisuke Matsuzaka, The Hosers in Cooperation with UNH are attempting to land the legendary college icon, Keggy the Keg
After several seasons worth of subpar records in almost all athletics in Dartmouth College, the school's inability to properly use Keggy's full potential as a Mascot, and years of discrimination and exclusion at sporting events and even his own classes despite his popularity, Keggy has opted out of Dartmouth. Chestnut Hill's Brokeback College made the most recent bid and ultimately failed when Keggy refused to wear a man purse at games, paint himself pink, and keep wine coolers on tap. Where those spoiled rich kids failed (both Dartmouth and Brokeback Coll), the Hosers and UNH seemed to have succeeded.
Keggy was unavailable for comment, but his Agent Scott Boras was available, but rather than talk to him, Mr. Prime Minister here, instead decided bashing him over the head with a mounted and stuffed Cat-A-Fraud head (just got it this weekend of course) was the best avenue for negotiation purposes. This is what Keggy stands to receive should he sign with Hoser Nation and UNH:
-Marty Scarrano's all campus parking pass
-Marty Scarrano's Office
-Marty Scarrano's Car
-Anything else Marty Scarrano may own that Keggy might have some use for
-A luxury appartment in the Hoser Dome glass block tower
-A position in Smokey McHoser's future Presidential Administration
-The Assurance that Maggie Joyce wont kill him for at most 2 years
-The Finest American and Canadian Lagers brewed fresh and ready to be on tap
-A seat in the famed "special row"
-The divine and royal right to remove the band from the Hoser Dome when-ever he feels it necessary
-The right to take and attend as many classes as he feels fit with the re-assurance no professor will ban him from attending
-The official blessing of Matt "I was the real reason why Saddam hid himself in that hole" Fornataro
-An official license to hunt Black Bears, Gophers, Terriers, River Pigeons, Cat-A-Frauds (they are extinct I know, still wants to try) BC Eagles, and almost any other creature he deems fit
Those are just the initial offers. It has been rumored that Dartmouth may try and claim some compensation for this deal. Which we have prepared for. Since they seem to pride themselves on the ungodly dorkiness of their band, they can have UNH's pep band and take that dorkiness to all new heights!
More information to come as it becomes available. Stay Tuned!
Good day, Eh!
Rouge
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