Hoser Mail Call Strikes Back!

Well Ladies and Hosers, another week, another pile of fan mail to work through. After last weeks installment there have been even more inquiries into the Hoser Movie and its gone as far as J.K. Rowling considering replacing Harry Potter with Momma Hoser on a permanent basis. Lets get right into it. Danielle from Santa Monica, CA writes:

Dear Hosers,
Ive heard so much hype about Smokey McHoser's upcoming campaign, but what kind've issues is he going to address? Also, who is going to make up the rest of his White House Staff besides Ric Flair?

Excellent Question Danielle. President Elect McHoser first of all will make one thing perfectly clear about the direction he wants to lead America in: HE IS NOT GOING TO FOLLOW TO GEORGE W PLAN OF SCREWING UP BADLY AND ADMITTING TO SCREWING UP BUT THEN CONTINUE TO SCREW UP EVEN MORE! That alone should win plenty of Voters. He will strive to solve world hunger by adding a sizeable portion of our budget towards mass production of Thompson Arena Hot Dogs to be distributed world-wide. He will the debate of Smoking in restaurants once and for all by simply making every establishment a smoking encouraging environment. Smokey has also created a 5-point plan to eliminate the sale of wine coolers in the United States (suck on that BC). As far as how we will address the war on terror. Its pretty obvious the enemy is not so much overseas, it is in fact right on our own shores. He will focus all our military strength towards overthrowing and removing the state of Maine from these United States. Which leads us into who will make up his cabinet. His chief advisor will of course be our very own Erinn, Matt "Earthquakes are the result of Mainers trembling in fear of me" Fornataro will be the Secretary of State, and to be the secretary of defense, none other than the legend himself: Chuck Norris. Mr. Norris has big plans for this country and as you can see from the artists rendering below, these plans are guaranteed to only make the world a better place!

Yes, everyone, Chuck Norris does not like the Mainers either. In fact Bananna's head is still orbiting the Earth as the result of a Chuck Norris Roundhouse kick.

Next up we have Edward from Hartford.

Hey, Hosers

Will you be watching the Super Bowl this year even though the Patriots will not be playing in it? If so, who would you pick to win?

Edward, while I can't speak for all the Hosers, but I can assume a large number of us will be watching the Super Bowl. I honestly can't think of too many people who wouldn't want to see Peyton Manning getting his head taken off by Brian Urlacher. I think that also gives you a hint as to who we would like to win. Besides, if you really want to think about it, its almost impossible for the Dolts to win. To be scientific about it, If you really look at a picture of our own Hobey Fornataro, you can clearly see there is an uncanny resemblence between him, and a certain living legend among men that has been associated with DAAA BEARS for many years now. The photo below should explain everything

Next up we have Marvin from right here in Durham

Hosers,

Im a freshman at UNH and I want to really set myself to enjoy the rest of my college years. What does it take to be a Hoser? Are there tryouts?

Marvin, 1st of all, with very few exceptions IT IS NOT OK TO BE A FRESHMAN!!!!!!!! That being said, there is a very dangerous, very mentally draining, and very emotionally trying journey to become a Hoser. The trek begins with a long and perilous climb up Mt Kilamanjaro where you must recover the royal spectacles (aka, Momma Hoser's glasses, she left them up there the last she, Keggy, Rent-A-Hoser, and Captain Hoser were practing mountain top mini golf). After retrieving the glasses, you must then hike the entire Yukon in search of the legendary Hoser Caverns where you will be then be tested by the 3 Hoser Wisemen (Doc Hoser, Grandpa, and Godfather Hoser). You will be asked 3 questions by each of the wisemen. Failure to correctly answer a question will result in the wisemen beating you wth a toaster until you get them right or give up. If you pass the test of Hoser Intelligence, the wisemen will send to the coldest part of the Yukon to fast for 5 days and 5 nights with nothing but a couple 20 packs of Molson (so not really fasting I guess). Then you must travel to MVU and attempt to help certain MVU Faithful (cough tonto cough) find the trophy case they seem to think exists somewhere in the Gut. All we found up there was an empty case except for the lone empty bottle of Dasani. Then comes one of the tougher parts of the test, you must endure at least one game in the home of the very scum of the Earth themselves; The Alfond. Finally comes the most dangerous one of them all, on the frozen waters of Lake Whittemore, you must survive a Zamboni demolition derby against yours truly.....I hope that answers your question

Finally we have............."Shawn" has written us for the 200,000,000th time, I wonder what he wants (as if I dont already know)

Hosers!!!!!!!!!!!!

Is there anyway I could move up a few spaces in that line at the door or maybe you could save me a spot for waiting for the Maine game? And I was hoping I could get a ride to the next away game?

No, No, and I suppose we could arrange something for the road trip. Heres where you gotta go to get to the Hoser Express. 1st go out to the bus stop over by the Shaws in Dover. There you will meet a Hoser Agent named Ronald, he will be wearing a white tuxedo and an eye patch. He will then ask you "Do you enjoy Luxury?". You must respond with a yes. He will then say "you must drive the world's finest automobile, Jaguar." After this you must blink 3 times with your left eye then nod 6 times. He will then hand you a key to a P.O. Box in Portsmouth, open that box and you will find a map to the Secret Hoser Express Station (aka a Bulldozer Convention). You have an hour to do all of this starting NOW!!! Best of luck to you. And to the rest of you, hide the children and get ready to Provi-dance like you've never Provi-dance before come saturday!!!!! Until then as always,

Good day, eh!

Rouge