The Greatest Dishonor since being from Maine: The Horse's Arse Award!

So begins a whole new tradition in the illustrious tradition of the Hosers. Here we shall salute the greatest lowlights and lowlifes of the past season! Welcome to the 1st annual Horse's Arse Awards!!! Now of course this little beauty of a trophy cannot capture failures in the finest moments quite like the renowned Pink Hat Awards (Vote for the Pink Hat Season Title Winner Now!). The Horse's Arse will salute the fans, arenas, mascots, and other random people who happened to amuse me in their futility and idiocy. Lets get right into it!

The Tool in an Over sized Cartoon Costume (Mascot of the Year) Award:

Baldwin the Eagle of Brokeback College!

It's always hard trying to keep with the finances of College Life. The people of Proviced make their due at amateur night at the Foxy Lady. MVU Cat-A-Frauds are into their agriculture (no they don't sell flowers). And those fugly women of Orono, they whore themselves out to their Uncle Earl and his Horse over in Bangor. But you Baldwin, you stand out from the rest. You get dressed in a ridiculous cartoon Eagle costume and parade around sporting events and behave like a complete moron to everyone in the building. And yes, those were your parents who screamed "MY DAUGHTER IS DEAD TO ME!" at BC's senior night.

Other Nominees: Bananas of the Mainers: I swear he was on Valium during the Hockey East Semis. And The Um-ass Minuteman: When Darci is making fun of you for having skin that desperately needs to get some sun (gray skin can't be good) you know you got problems.

The "Stewie Griffin Took A Crap in Your Tuba" (Band of the Year) Award:

The Dartmouth College Band!

Not too many bands can make a person want to stuff them into locker with a single look, but Dartmouth and their "Boom O Doom" have done just that. From their completely uber geekfest of a halftime show that left me and Darci scratching our heads (and it wasn't even the alcohol that did it) to their further acts of total dorkiness during Hockey season, there was little debate who would get the honor of being ceremoniously stuffed in a locker by the Kazoo Band this year.

Other Nominees: The UNH Pep Band: Improvements and a surprisingly decent rendition of "Two Step" kept them off the chopping block..for now. And..any team that resorts to audio recordings because their band doesn't want to play hockey.

The "This rink looks more like a Toilet Bowl with Frozen Water" (rink of the year) Award: The Alfond Arena!

Tainted Titles, people who molest barnyard livestock, inbred failures, pedophiles, and of course, the dullest and dumbest from the State that Lincoln should have traded to Canada to get Fornataro in America sooner. The Alfond has it all! And now its most recent feature includes the Good Guys in Blue slapping the Mainers from Bangor to Portland. Even the NUtered Huskies have gotten in on the fun!
Other Nominees: Conte Forum and KELLAY!! Rink: The San Francisco Treat..in Newton. The Volpe Center: They are thinking of naming the Melrose Mite Hockey Team the primary tenant and making Merrimack Hockey the between period entertainment for next year. And Thompson Arena: Smokey had to get back to smoking to help him curb his addiction to those Nicco-Dogs. And the restraining order Dartmouth put on him to keep him out of the concession stand is working.

The "I wish I was a Hoser, but im not" (Individual fan of the year) Award:

The Proviced Flag Kid!

Yes, he does wear that helmet everywhere he goes. and I'm sure he also thinks running around a rink with a flag while wearing said helmet and sunglasses is a good way to get chicks. It is a good way to make Maggie Joyce want to give you a one way ticket to the morgue though.

Other Nominees: The sign kid from Um-ass: Seriously, if your going to make a crude attempt at mocking us, at least make the sign readable from a distance: Those Dartmouth people sitting behind us: You paid $25? HA! Call me when you pay the student activity fee UNH makes us deal with, and then ill cuss you out some more...a$$hole. And that belligerent idiot from Lowell: I had Smokey winning by TKO in 3 rounds against that clown.

The "Shawn" B. Bulldozer-ed Memorial Fanbase of the Year Award:

The Mainers!

Between their relentless crusade to hang the Mayor for Ben Bitch-op hurting himself, their nonstop crying about their failed lives, and just being from a part of the world where the family reunion and horse shows double as a dating service, I really don't see how they couldn't win it.

Other Nominees: Brokeback College, I might have sparred you this dishonor, if it weren't for those pathetic douchebags who stalk your women's team and happened to incur our wrath at the Whitt this year. Seriously, If there are any regular BC fans reading this, do you guys actually associate yourself with those dorks? Um-ass: Every single bad thing the Union leader said about Um-ass...absolutely true. And Merrimack....why do you guys even bother?

All nominees and award winners will receive an official Hoser Nation Prize pack that consists of: A warm glass of SHUT THE HELL UP!, an autographed framed photo of Godfather Hoser with Graveliesse, An official Horse's Arse Award T-shirt (some collared for our wine cooler drinking friends from BC), A paperback copy of OT Hoser's award winning book "Your Not A Hoser, and that is NOT OK!" , a custom made photo album made by Doc Hoser himself that documents every aspect of your utter worthlessness, the responsibility of giving "Shawn" rides to game from now on, and finally, a death match with Maggie Joyce (the equivalent of a one way ticket to hell).

I'm currently accepting suggestions for the Top 10 moments in Hoser Nation this season list that will be composed when I have more work to dodge. Until next time, always remember, If your a Hoser, raise your glasses! If your not...then your just not a real person at all.

Good day, Eh

Rouge