Finals Week Mail Call!

Quote of the Week:
"Remember, somebody does love you...They just don't work here at the Whitt."

-Mr. David Brown

The Mail has been piling up like crazy ladies and Hosers, time to answer the chosen ones before I get buried in the pile of misery and angst that is finals week. Lets get started, 1st we have Angie from Durham, and she writes,

Dear Hosers,

Ive got so much stuff to do this finals week, and I have no idea how I'm going to manage it all! Please help!

Well Angie, you came to the right place. I find that making a list of all the things you have to do and ordering them by when they are due to be a good way to manage your time. For example, allow me to show you just what my list looks like, this includes all other things I must do besides tests before graduation:

1. Finish Paper #1

2. Find the Loch Ness Monster and get back the $3.50 he owes me

3. Paper #2

4. Scale the Adirondacks

5. Further acts of debauchery and shenanigans

6. Exams 1 and 2

7. Create a new dance style that will be a hybrid of river dance and Provi-dance

8. Exam #3

9. Commit more hooligan like acts that may result in me forgetting all of the stuff mentioned above

10. Not trip while taking that walk at Commencement

Hope that helps. Next up we got Kevin from Buffalo and he asks,

Hey Hosers!

What movies would you recommend seeing this summer?

Well, the obvious choices would be Spiderman 3 (I was originally casted to be Venom for the record), Pirates 3, The Simpsons Movie, etc. But I submit to you a list of lesser known movies that will tickle your funny bone, terrify you, make you think less of Mainers, and wonder what the hell they were thinking.

-Mutch Ado aboot Something- A classic tale of coach takes over team, coach brings new fortunes to team, coach leads team to new levels of success, coach covers Madonna for the team, then coach gets busted for having inappropriate relations with team. Great date flick, but be sure to turn your cell phones off, especially any text messaging during this movie

-The Godfather part IV: Rise of the Hoser: The next great American crime drama. Godfather Hoser takes over the mob and gets them into the ultra profitable racket of bootlegging Labatt Blue in mass quantities during a new age of prohibition

-Darci and Gib go to find Ice Cream: The hilarious comedy of 2 Hosers and their misadventures in attempting to find an elusive flavor of Ice Cream. Filled with several wrong turns, spelling errors, hilarious quotes taken completely out of context, raccoons, and more absurdities than the average Mainer has assault against animals charges. Warning, this film bruises easily

-The Horse Whisperer 2: Escape from Orono: A stomach churning and deranged tale of the unlawful relationship between a Mainer and a Horse. No one admitted under the age of 16 (Sorry no date for you Keith Johnson)

I'm sure there will be many more such blockbusters coming our way this summer. Finally we got Tina from Merrimack:

Dear Hosers,

I'm having a party this weekend, but none of the guests can seem to agree on what drinks I should serve. Any suggestions?

Tina, you definitely came to the right person for help in that department. 1st of all, start with almost any kind of rum, then I strongly recommend a couple specialties that are some of the finest exports of Hoser Nation:

Absolut Hoser: For the vodka drinker in the party, this is the stuff that will make your day. Made with only the finest ingredients from across the world and made with the top secret Hoser recipe that was pioneered by Grandpa Hoser thousands of years ago in the frozen tundras of Siberia (he was ice fishing at the time). Mix it with any beverage to add a little kick to the ordinary, or just slam it down straight from your favorite shot glass, either way it's a hell of a lot better than tequila.

Baton Rouge's Double Strength Hoser Whiskey: Only for the bold and the daring. My own special recipe based on years of research in the field. This stuff is so strong it could possibly turn the Common BC Douchebag into...less of Douchebag, but that's mostly cause it will knock them out instantly. Old #5 is 100 proof and guaranteed to be the shot

of your life and will leave you really confused as to how you exactly you got from Point A to Point X the next morning. Not recommended for heart patients, Mainers, Umassholes, freshmen, spoiled rich kids, David Hasselhoff, The Ultimate Warrior, etc.

That's all for now, If time permits it, ill have a piece of work done up that will chronicle my final 13 days in Durham, and ill attempt a post graduation writeup as well. Until next time, remember, its always good to be a Mainer Hater,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge