Ye olde commandments of being a Hoser (with additions)

Quote of the week:

"Ladies! Will you please shut it? Listen to me. Yes, I lied to you. No, I don't love you. Of course it makes you look fat. I've never been to Brussels. It is pronounced "egregious". By the way, no, I've never met Pizzaro but I love his pies. And all of this pales to utter insignificance in light of the fact that my ship is once again gone. Savvy? "
-The legendary Captain Jack Sparrow


We'll ladies and Hosers, we have officially entered those dog days of summer. The Stanley Cup will once again spend a summer away from it's rightful home on Causeway St, The Monarchs bowed out of the playoffs (that's what you get for having so many Brokeback College castoffs on your team), the Sox keep on rolling, and the NY Skanks are going to hell almost as fast as the state of Maine. Just to keep you all entertained and educated, I recently came across an article on Barstool Sports that pertains to our douchebag friends in Newton (Not Boston, no matter how much they complain in their usual lisp).

And to answer all other questions, Erinn, the real world so far is a strange place filled with dumb people, little logic, and terrible gas prices, and yes the greater Manch-Vegas area remains intact despite me being back and running amok. In Not too long ago, I had myself an Epiphany (for all the Mainers attempting to read here, an Epiphany is a Revelation of sorts, such as the one you should have regarding how wrong your lifestyle of cheating the NCAA, assaulting barnyard livestock, using family reunions as a dating service, and attempting to hookup with underage minors, truly is). We noble Hosers have been operating under a certain code of conduct that has remained unspoken for sometime now. In recent times however, we have seen a certain interest grow in other people wishing to join our motley crew. So I feel it is now time that I exert my authority as the great, powerful, wise, debonair, and devastatingly handsome Prime Minister, and officially put the Code of the Hoser in Writing so that all can know and behold.

I. There is no "I" in Hoser. Always look out for your fellow Hoser and leave no Hoser in need behind

II. There are only 3 teams we support in College Hockey: UNH (above all others), and whoever beats BC and the Mainers (only when UNH is not involved and/or the outcome benefits UNH)

III. Anything said among Hosers is up for being taken out of context and recorded in the quote book upon the discretion of Godfather Hoser, the official and noble keeper and scribe of the quote book.

IV. First to arrive, last to leave: We stand behind that which we support from start to finish

V. It is NEVER OK to be a Mainer

VI. The following are acceptable manners of saving seats: hats, coats, scarves, jerseys, shirts, pants, blood, appendages, food. Be creative

VII. Real men wear Navy and White

VIII. Real women wear Navy and White

IX. A true Hoser makes as many games as humanly possible, home and away

X. Don't try and sit in Darci's seat, it's just wrong and not worth the headache that will follow

XI. The seating order is to be maintained by any means necessary (ex Erinn, Nick, Matt, Darci, Jay, Namrata, Ankur, Rouge, Hosehead. etc. correct me if wrong)

XII. Anything seen in any Doc Hoser's photographic genius, is to be taken as true to life

XIII. Be Classy Not Umassy. Stupid and Classless neanderthals have no place in the rink

XIV. Thou shalt dub any person who drops an item or misses catching an item tossed in their general direction, a sieve

XV. Thou shalt wear White in a white out...NO EXCUSES

XVI. Seats are meant to be used during intermissions and timeouts only. If they can't sit, why should we?

XVII. The roadways in New Jersey are evil and are to be avoided by any means needed

XVIII. No Hoser nor any human being for that manner, shall pop their collar, unless they do so to mock BC or other forms of douchebag

XIX. No opposing goaltender is to feel safe in our presence, in fact bonus points are given for making them cry (Smokey's Law)

XX. At least one backup cowbell is to be brought to every game necessary, at least 4 cowbells is mostly encouraged in the event of Tsongas Stormtroopers

XXI. All potential candidates attempting to earn Hoser status must complete a rigorous training recommendation in which each full fledged Hoser shall contribute their own test to the process

XXII. Any form of techno music is to be accompanied by some form of dance (Hey ya, Puckhead, Provi-dance) or any other form of dance that may cause others to look at us in dumbfounded awe. Glowsticks are encouraged for Brokeback College games

XXIII. Any moments of very poor judgement, violation of the above codes, statements being made that had no forethought put into them, acts of sievery, and actions of inexplicable and stupefying nature, are subject to ridicule by wearing a pinkhat

XXIV. It is the duty of every Hoser to point out a person with an extraordinary mullet (think Melrose), any person brave enough to wear any attire that says "Merrimack College Hockey", and or prime examples of the common Mainer. See example here and here for reference.

XXV. Anything said by Marty Scarrano is nothing more than erroneous, false, a load of crap, and a boldfaced lie

XXVI. Pajama day is a sacred and religious day designed to celebrate the greatness of wearing pajamas at the game...So wear your damn jammies, or be ridiculed or shunned

XXVII. The Hosers alone hold the right to sneak large quantities of food into ye olde Hoser Dome, particularly those of the baked confection variety

XXVIII. During road trips exceding the normal driving time by an extreme amount, Godfather Hoser, and OT Hoser are to be designated Pilot and Co-pilot. The rest of us would rather sleep, it apparently makes the trip go by faster, and im a terrible co-pilot anyway

XXIX. Anything said or done by Hosers shall never be taken personally, no matter how offensive. Particularly Grandpa Hoser as he suffers from a rare and traumatic form of dimentia he acquired from too much marker aromatherapy.

XXX. Rule XXIX does not apply when the Hosers are aiming their offensiveness towards a person of the Mainer variety. It is then purely intended to be offensive and painfully true

XXXI. Placing items along the dasher of the special row in certain areas (cough, cough, Nick) is an acceptance of the risks that come with having sort of item in that vicinity

XXXII. Baked goods are to be consumed in the traditional manner, and not in the sepository type of consumption practiced by Grandpa Hoser

XXXIII. Never steal the Prime Minister's rum........ever

XXXIV.violation of the above code are subject to the following punishments depending upon the severity of the violation: Banishment, 30 strikes by thunderstix, shunning, being made to stand in certain locations without the aid of markers, wearing of the dunce tuque, imprisonment at McHassfocker Penitentiary in Orono, Death by bulldozer, Death by Zamboni, Death by Maggie Joyce, Death by Maggie Joyce on the Zamboni, and Death by Maggie Joyce on the Zamboni and bulldozer.

Any additional legislation that ye feels need may leave their suggestions here, otherwise that is all for now, Hosers dismissed.

Good day Eh!

Rouge