A Hoser's Guide to Fenway Park...Always a wicked pissah!

Quote of the Week:"Yeah.....you hit more home runs than a guy with ALS."

-OT Hoser

Lets start with some very good news ladies and Hosers. As of last week, it is almost but certain that I have secured myself a season ticket for the upcoming season. So all in Hoser Nation can rejoice in what will be my triumphant second coming to Durham, while the Mainers, douchebags, and other haters can...well...continue to suck.

Now of course there is no real substitute for hockey season. The offseason can be a long and drawn out thing to endure, but being the resourceful beings we Hosers are, we always find our ways to get by. One of the best offseason activities is a true right of passage for New Englanders alike, of course I speak of our beloved Red Sox.

There is no experience quite like a Sox game at Fenway. From the party like atmosphere of Yawkey Way, to the imposing Green Monster and the rest of the parks relatively unchanged historic structures, Fenway is a one of a kind place for any sports fan. My one summertime tradition is to do my best to make a pilgrimage to Fenway at least once a summer. Recently I made my 1st trip to see the Sox take on the devil rAAAys, and get my 1st real look at Japanese pitching sensation Daisuke Matsuzaka. After this trip, I've decided to take my experiences and compile for all of you a guide to Fenway Park written by a Hosers, for all my beloved Hosers

-1st off, the long standing belief that all out of staters under 25 are unable to purchase alcohol at the park unless they use their passport...ERRONEOUS!!!! This myth was put to the test in my most recent visit, and it was discovered that it is largely the bartender's discretion of whether to serve or not. You still have to take out a mortgage on any property you may own to get 2 beers though

-For the more serious baseball fan, I encourage getting into the park early and take in Batting practice, you can roam around more of the park, and possibly snag a souvenir

-The single most addictive piece of nourishment known to man is still the Fenway Frank. Even the mind clouding ambrosia of the Dartmouth Niccodog cannot match the Fenway Frank. Knowing it's addictiveness, Fenway has slowly been jacking up the prices so that those hooked on this cocaine of meat byproducts must pay more and more each time they crave a fix.

-Not singing along to "Sweet Caroline" is a crime comparable to that of witchcraft

-If you are really asking for it*, then you're more than likely going to get it(v).

*= By asking for it, I mean any person wearing the attire that supports the opposition (especially NY) and blatantly flaunting such attire in an obnoxious manner while behaving like a complete ass for the purposes of antagonizing the good people of Red Sox Nation

(v)= By getting it, I mean receiving the standard "Yankees Suck" serenade, having your sexuality questioned, being challenged to a fight outside, having food thrown at you, being cussed, cursed, insulted, and in some cases thrown out of Fenway

-When someone begins a "Yankees Suck" chant, it is the sworn duty of those around this person to join in, no matter how shitfaced this person maybe

-Dice K is nasty

-When "Shipping up to Boston" comes on over the loud speakers late in the game, it more than likely means the game is pretty much over for the other team

-It is extremely rude to stand up and move out of your seat during the course of an inning, please wait till between innings to move

-There are plenty of Bars around the Fenway area that will allow you to properly begin your pregame beverage intake, while not having to put your car up for sale in order to afford it

-Seriously, its not cool to stand up and move around in the middle of the inning

-Whether it's the Monster Seats, or the Grandstands, any seat is a good seat at Fenway

-SIT THE FUCK DOWN LADY, YOUR BATHROOM BREAK CAN WAIT!!!!!!!

-Just like Hockey, stay till the end, lord knows how much you've spent to be there, make your money worth it

-The man who taught Babe Ruth his home run stroke in his days in Boston....You guessed it, his poker buddy Grandpa Hoser, so those 1st few World Series wins were all because of him....Unfortunately, you can say the same for the Curse of the Bambino

-Never mention the following names in Fenway: Aaron Boone, Bucky bleepin Dent, Mookie Wilson, Grady Little, and Roger Clemens (unless his name is followed by "is an asshole")

-The Yankees Suck chant works even when we aren't even playing the Yankees for another month

-M-A-I-N-E! Maainnneee SUCKS! (I haven't made a Mainer joke yet, so it had to be done)

-Bring a camera if you can, there aren't too many bad pictures you can take in this park

That's all for now Hosers, I also recommend making trips to Minor League ball to see the future of the game, such as the Paw Sox, Sea Dogs, or the Fisher Cats (Hoser outing to a Fisher Cats game perhaps? just a thought).

Oh ya, the waters of Lake Whittemore are frozen and painted once again by my artistic hand. One step closer to the season..Until next time as always

Good day, Eh!

Rouge