The Ballad of Hoserfest 07 Part I: Boozin, Cruisin, and Grandpa getting a bruisin from Darci's dock by Bow Lake

Quote of the week:

"I don't know how you stayed up when you were on top of me."

-Grandpa Hoser

The offseason can be a boring, dull, and hockey-less world as we all know ladies and Hosers. There is however one weekend each summer where the planets align, the stars shine bright, and the Mainers further lament their cursed existence. I speak of course of the legendary weekend known as Hoserfest. A weekend of classic Hoser hullabaloo, drinking to the good life, the great Hoser tube battles, and whatever hi jinx we happen to wind up in.

Hoserfest with the joyous arrival of the Hosers by parachute, teleporation (cue teleport sound: BWEEEEEEEOOOOPPPP..thank you), chariot and steed, and my personal favorite, battleship being towed by the Loch Ness Monster. Right off the bat you could tell this was going to be a slightly different type of Hoserfest (other than the fact Captain Hoser brought booze from Asia) Yours truly had a feeling O.T Hoser and Grandpa Hoser had something up their sleeves (other than Patrone or Alzheimer's in Nick's case). It was then we discovered their plot....Ladies and gentlemen, the Hosers officially have their own line of Merchandise at last! The pair presented the rest of Hoser Nation with a complementary pair of the first ever Hoser t-shirts. Photos of what will be the biggest new fashion craze since BU fans attempting to steal Doc Hoser's wardrobe will be made available soon. The Hoser Nation Store will be opening soon as a result and will soon sport more merchandising deals than Michael Vick at the moment.

The beer and liquor flowed like river water, but apparently it was enough liquor to lure Blaise into our midst so we could have our charity midget toss. After several more drinks, it was clear that the logical step was to sail the waters of Bow Lake at high speed while being dragged around on a tube that would probably make sober people sick at times. To sum up the afternoon of tubing, I crashed and burned alot...but finally won out a battle on the last try (I find crashing is just as much fun as the ride itself). Momma Hoser of course defended her reign as ruler of the lake, but Captain Hoser provided the most humor with his sudden grappling matches with the tube (Token Hoser was somewhat redeemed by this after last years epic battle he had with a stationary tube in more shallow waters)

The next event came the classic game of Minority in the Middle. It was at this time, that Grandpa Hoser proved Darci wrong, by showing her once and for all just which plank in her dock was in fact the defective one. Unfortunately, he was unable to definitively prove once and for all that a floatation noodle is best suited when worn in the pantalones. Grandpa Hoser was 2 for 2 on the evening in breaking Darci's stuff.

The night wore on and we Hosers set ourselves up the traditional fire to discuss the plans for the upcoming season including the journey to North Dakota, the dangers of playing Whitesnake too loudly, what Grandpa Hoser was going to break next, more dangers involved with Whitesnake (apparently I repeated this part several times, but I think Sam Adams was the one doing the repeating), there whereabouts of the mysterious Hosehead, and of our travels this offseason.

One such issue on our agenda was the question of who would serve as the next radio commentator for the good guys in blue. Hoser Nation obviously should have some say in this matter, so we have a few candidates in mind: Doc Hoser (he did go drinking once with Johnny Most, Derek Sanderson, and Harry Carray a few times in his ancient youth), I recommend Robbie Barker for his award winning performance on NESN, Don Cherry, and Dennis Leary to name a few...Worst case scenario, you'd get any combination of myself, Smokey McHoser, Grandpa, and Hosehead. By the middle of the 1st period, Marty would put us on the shelf with Black Betty.

When the fire went out, we retired for the evening knowing part II of our latest epic journey would await us in the form of our return to the HoserDome. Part II will be posted in due time, soon we will have the latest Hoser Nation Merchandise Catalog out complete with the t-shirts that could even make the most diehard Brokeback College douchebag flip their collars down, as well as the possible line of jerseys, tuques, mittens, mullet attire, and even a line of skates. To be continued, until then as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge