Its never too late, to look ahead to headlines in 08

Quote of the week:
Don't you like my Styrofoam breasts?
-Rob to Doug

Happy belated new year all, 2008 has gotten off to a so-so start for the good guys in blue, who settled for a 1-0 shutout vs Merri-matt at the rink that is not the Ralph, and of course the travashamockery of Sunday's loss to SLU(t). We wont get into the gory details.

Hoser Nation continued to out do themselves in the artistry of the perpetual inside joke and the overall greatness that no Primary could possibly overshadow. Now I realize I'm a little tardy in my new years related post and most other posts, but I think this could make up for it, I have donned the all knowing Swami Tuque and will now look into the future. These are just some of the headlines you can expect to hear about in this new year, into the future we peer! bwweeeeeeeooooooooppppppppp (yes this is what non-alcohol fueled time travel sounds like)

-NU finally gets over the hill at the Beanpot!
North-leastern will face Brokeback College in the final thus ending any chance of Beancan U fans feeling like their season wasn't a total loss. The NUtered Huskies will take a 3-0 lead into the 3rd period behind Thiessen's strong goaltending. The Doghouse is alive like never before and they can feel it coming. Unfortunately, the 3rd begins with a weird bounce going BC's way past the NUtered Sieve, making it 3-1. No sweat, right? Then Thiessen lets a softy go by him in classic Ben Bitch-op fashion. 3-2 and NU is rattled, two stupid penalties later, the Gerbe-baby ties the game. Brokeback College will shatter North-leastern's Beanpot dreams in OT. The loss sends the once promising season of the NUtered Huskies into a downward spiral. Hey I said they'd get over the hill, I never said they wouldn't fall backwards all the way back to the bottom before it was over.

-Hoser Nation wins celebrity dance competition!
Gangsta Hoser's world famous Mick Jagger moves land him on every major celebrity dance competition around! Rumors became rampant that he met Keith Richards backstage at one of these competitions and Keith mistakenly thought Doug was actually Mick himself. Its still unclear whether it was his uncanny dance moves, or the uncanny amount of drugs Keith was on, that led to this case of mistaken identity. Not to be outdone, Smokey McHoser turned this stirring rendition of his own in for the next season of "So you think you can dance?"

-Farewell TIMMAY!
Yes, it finally happens. The Mainers relationship with TIMMAY has been comparable to Ike and Tina Turner, and it will finally come to an end with the Mainers dismissing the embattled head coach despite 3 frozen four appearances. The University released Whitehead mostly as a result of his failure to meet his contractual obligation of commiting a certain number of NCAA Violations by his 6th year. The UMaine AD also noted that he was even more furious at how the players felt like they had to become criminals of all varieties just to preserve to UMaine tradition of deviance and wrongdoings.

-France surrenders.....to JVR
Reemer's offensive onslaught in the World Juniors frightened France President Sarkozy so much, he and the rest of France unconditionally surrendered to JVR not long after his return to the states.

-The FCC cracksdown on Um-Ass
After Um-Ass students went on one of their usual needless and moronic cursing and swearing rampages live on the 1st Friday Night Ice broadcast of the year, NESN was forced to go to a 20 min tape delay in order to censor their classless banter. The next game, The FCC sent federal officials to patrol the Um-Ass neanderthal err umm student section. By the end of the 1st period, Federal Officials had removed the entire section from the building. Mullins Center employees were upset stating: "I dont f%$}&ng know what their f%$}&ng problem is. The f%$}&ng students aren't f%$}&ng swearing that f%$}&ng much, I mean so they f%$}&ng swear and $#it to kids, so they f%$}&ng beat up a 70 year old man in a wheel chair just because he had a UNH hat on, big f%$}&ng deal. Yeah they threw a 6 year old cancer patient down the f%$}&ng stairs because her parents alums from the opposing school, so f%$}&ng what. Thats how we support the F#$^&}ng Mass Attack in WAmmmmherst!". Meanwhile on Comm Ave, Beancan U students are wondering "They thought we were bad?!?".

-Another Mainer will get arrested
Tanner House will find himself in trouble with the law again before the end of the season. He will be arrested for another charge of Sexual Assault. In his statement to the police, House will largely base his poor choice on how he got his dating tips from the likes of Keith Johnson and Tom Mutch.

-Hoser Nation becomes a fully recognized University organization
The Hosers have recently corrupted and influenced enough of the Durham population to recieve such a status in the University community. As a result, the Hosers are now entitled to the following perks: Perpetuation of all Inside Jokes without being required to explain them to others, the right to throw a toaster at anyone not wearing white at "Whiteout the Whitt", the right to force others to dance to any form of music w/no regard to things such as rhythm, and the God given right to punch anybody meeting the basic requirements to be classified as a "BC Douchebag (see diagram here for further info).

That's all the soothsaying I got for now ladies and Hosers, see you this weekend at the Lake, always remember to be classy and not Umassy. Goodnight Canada, and as always,

Good day, Eh!

Rouge