Hosers Almanac 09/13: Elm St wont know what hit them and the overdue Hoserfest recap

Quote of the week:
"Empty net goals are for faggots"
-Former NHL slapshot master Al "Wild thing" Iafrate

Still alive and kicking ladies and Hosers. Its been a good long time since I last enlightend the masses, so lets get right into it.

-Fuck you KC Chiefs Safety Keith Pollard.

-As you all are aware, yours truly has relocated to a new more convenient location in downtown Manch-Vegas. Once again your hero is within walking distance of UNH games (even if it's only for a guaranteed 2 games). It's been a pretty hectic two weeks to say the least. Between the ticker tape "Welcome Home" parade the city threw me, receiving the keys to the city, and ultimately striking fear into the hearts of those who are non-hosers, we've barely had time to complete the move in process. We've only just begun installing hardwood floors made from the few trees found at the summit of Kilamanjaro and we are still in talks to allow a Sam Adams brewery to be built into the living room. But it does smell of rich mohaghany and leather bound books, so progress is being made.

-The world stood still as the grand celebration of hockey, love, alcohol, and the never ending crusade to stamp out runaway Mainer-esque lifestyles in the world, better known as Hoserfest 08 took place last month. To give the complete recap of the weekend would result too many minds being blown from the epic magnitude of it all. So here's a brief listing of what went down

• For once, I wasnt the one that got completely plastered
• Godfather Hoser defeated Darci, and the victory celebration went something like this
• It has been confirmed..Anything the Hoser Child of the Future may do wrong...IT'S ALL NICK'S FAULT!!
• Aquatic baseball is possible, and the Hosers can easily defeat the team better known as the NY Skankees
• Whitesnake did not make their scheduled appearance, and it's their own fault.
• It was proven that a man and the posterboard rendering of another man can find true love at Hoserfest, even if it involves alot of alcohol and papercuts rather than chaffing.
• Someone other than myself, Jay or Ankur got shitfaced at a Hoser gathering, Im still astounded
• Maine still sucks
• Black Betty made an appearance at the Whitt, and she bitch slapped Marty
• And overall the world is now a better place, thanks to us.

Thats all for now Hosers, stay tuned for any further madness as the season approaches. Before I go, here's a friendly greeting to all those NY fans (with few exceptions) who appear to be reveling in the injury of his greatness Tom Brady:

J!-E!-T!-S!YOU STILL SUCK! SUCK! SUCK!

Good day, Eh!
Rouge